My husband is an alcoholic and my father is a recovering one. I attended my first meeting and it planted a seed. But it is hard. My husband is drunk tonight and the one thing that hit me hard is that I cannot control what he does. I cannot control what he drinks. I can only control how I react and what I say. My sister is attending Al-Anon in FL and I am here in NC and she has told me not to make any drastic changes in my life for the first 6 months. I am an animal lover and my husband has abused them and just last week I took my 2 female cats to the pound since I couldn't find them a home and I knew they had to leave because I spent a lot of time protecting them and it was nasty between my husband and me. I miss them terribly and cry a lot.

I just need someone to talk to and since I don't have a sponser, I at least have my sister, but I feel so alone right now. I pray the Serenity prayer almost constantly and pray for God to give me the wisdom and words and to keep me calm because I don't know what I will find when I get home. He also tries to control me by saying "When I get my driver's license back, I'll be gone all the time" when of course that is fine with me.

Something happened today that got to me. He has a female friend who I have suspected that she wants to get together with him while in love with my husband's friend and he said he had to tell her to leave before he did something he would regret. I know I cannot control any aspect of what he does, and at this moment I could care less, but why did he tell me?

I need some insight here from someone, please. Here I sit on the computer while he is passed out on the sofa. I hate to admit this but sometimes I wish he were dead so I can get on with my life.

I know that is not the kind of thoughts I should have, but I am trying life one hour at time.

I could use all the love and support anyone could give.

Deb

Hi Deb,  Welcome you have come to the right place!! I have found myself asking the very same questions and wondering how or why should I continue this way. Ironic is that my A husband is passed out on the couch at this very moment. LOL

When you first come to realize the Three C's it is difficult to come to terms with. I can honestly say that once I started to understand my problem and that i could not control him but just me and my reactions that things did start to get better, less fights and generally a better relationship between the two of us and I was happier. I finally found serenity.

I have since then regressed and gone back to step one several times and I have to give my head a shake and say smartin up I know better than this. My happiness depends on it.

The friends I have met here have helpped me emensly and they have saved me on many occasions.

When I feel alone I know that I can come here and I quickly realize that I am not alone!!! People here are very caring and supportive.

Your husband telling you that about this other woman could be honesty and just that or it could be that it worried him that this could have happened. If it were me I would go with the truth aspect it would keep me from driving myself crazy!!

I am glad that you are here Your in the right place. Keep comming back!!

Nice to meet you
JJ

Dealina:

I so relate to your situation.  I don't know why your husband confessed to the situation with the woman.  Maybe he felt guilty and wanted to see your reaction. 

I have just started back in Al anon.  I confess that I have to start with Step 1 because I have allowed myself to again allow my  husband's choices to drink control my life.  When I did detach myself, I did feel a lot better and have more serenity.  Although I have to admit that I have struggled with it recently.  My husband can be a bastard when he is drunk, but I am sure to make him pay when he is sober.  The sad thing is that my continued anger at him does nothing but keep me down.  "You can't keep a man down without staying down with him", I read that in Courage to Change or the ODAT book and it is so true.  To remain angry is to imprison yourself.  

I know that forgiveness of myself and other is the key to serenity. 

I am now trying to figure out what working Step 1 means.   Wish me luck and I wish you peace and serenity.

Welcome Deb - so glad you are here.

When I found this site I was at the point of numbness/giving up in my marriage.  He drank, we'd argue, he'd say gawdawful things, I'd be hurt/angry, next day he'd be fine while I was so upset I couldn't eat or function.  I thought life would be better, had to be better, without him.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  Yet, I still had love for the man buried somewhere deep inside.  I wasn't ready for a divorce, although if he had chosen to get one - I wouldn't have fought it.  I had gone from being an independent, full of life, laughing and loving woman to this hag of a witch who screamed at her kids, was depressed most of the time, just plain miserable, who'd rather sit on the computer with "friends" than be with that "drunk".

I didn't realize until I came to Alanon how sick I was too.  I knew I was miserable, I just couldn't see the full picture.  How I had reacted to his drinking and allowed myself to become as described above.  I also did not see how my becoming this way actually made the whole situation worse.  I was so focused on him and the drinking, thinking that was the only problem.  And I'd fight against it, nagging him, being angry at him, ignoring him, and so on.  None of this helped.

Alanon taught me to focus on myself.  Alanon taught me to detach with love.  Alanon taught me his drinking was not my business, but that I was my business.  I can remember sitting in our chat room here and roaring with laughter at something someone said, then realizing that was the first time in I can't remember how long that I had really laughed. 

What I've learned...when I Let Go of trying to "fix" him, when I got out of his face about drinking, when I refused to start or participate in an argument, when I pretended that his picking up a drink was okay and just smiled at him - that is when things began to improve.  We don't argue about his alcoholism now.  The only arguments we have now are normal couple disagreements about "regular" stuff like how do we handle what one of the kids did.  We have grown closer as I progress in understanding just how Alanon works.  He doesn't seem to drink as much, and I'm certainly not giving him any reason to say "you drove me to it" (and no, I certainly am NOT the cause of it, but I CAN contribute to it by my own "sickness" and reacting to it.)  He told me one day how much he had missed my laugh, he was glad I was laughing once more. 

Alcoholics generally carry a lot of shame and guilt within themselves.  The more they feel, the more they drink to try and numb those feelings.  Oftentimes, something said by them is actually a plea to us ... what I mean is, mine would scream at me how he hated me, how I ought to divorce him, how he was sorry he ever married me and so on.  What he meant was - I hate myself, why do you stay with me?, I'm afraid you are going to leave me.  When I read the part of your post asking why did he say that about the other woman, my first thought was, perhaps it is a plea to you to love him, as so many of us withdraw from our men physically and emotionally.  Of course my thoughts on this are based upon my own personal experiences and each of us are individual and different - each situation is individual and different - so take what you like/can use and leave the rest. :) 

I'm glad you are here with us.  Lots of love and support here on the board and in the chat room.  Keep coming back!  ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Luv, Kis

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for your support. I really needed it. Last night after he woke was terrible. That other woman sold a gun to my A and he kept handling it. I crawled into bed and prayed for God to keep me safe from harm. He came into the room with only the bullets and told me to get rid of them, which I did.

He shot a man in 1993 who pulled a knife on him and he says he has so many enemies now and that he needs one. I don't like guns and won't have any around me.

This morning he got into bed and all I smelled was stale alcohol and he tried to, you know, with me and I pushed him away. How does he expect me to "do it" when he disgusts me from calling me an idiot and that I'm brain dead? I have had enough! I need to concentrate on me and getting better and how can I do that when I don't know what he's going to be like when I get home? I am totally stressed out!

I want to move out. My brother is looking into a land/home package and I asked to live with him and he said yes. I have been married for 7 years, no children, no pets. I would take my clothes, computer and pictures and leave. I have plenty of friends who would help me.

Is this wrong? My sister told me I need to get out. She's the one attending Al-Anon in FL. I had such a terrible day at work today. I would cry when no one was around.

Today he seems fine and thinks all is well, but it's not. I've detached myself from him completely. I am my reliving my mother's relationship with my father when he drank and I want to stop the chain. I need to take care of me.

It's bad enough he says if I go see my mom in NJ he'll leave and I really don't care. If he were to sleep with that girl, I don't care.

I DON'T CARE!!!!!!

I repeat the three C's all day plus the Serenity prayer and can't wait to get my books. I know I must sound so hateful and I don't want to be filled with hate and resentment, but it's hard not to. I don't want him touching me or being in the same room with me.

Help me! I'm crying now out of despair and wanting happiness.

Lord - I CLAIM peace in my life, I CLAIM safety in my life, I CLAIM happiness in my life, I CLAIM serenity in my life! I CLAIM MY LIFE BACK!

Hello Deb,

Since I don't think no one said this, I will. If you need to put your cats in the pound to protect them from abuse, then you need to not wait 6 months to leave but get out now! Just my opinion.  I don't know if you watch Dr. Phil but in his words what your husband has done with abusing the animals and playing with the gun is a "Deal Breaker" and you need to get help immediately. The Abused Womens Center has 1-800 numbers in the phone book that you can call anonymously 24 hours a day. It is a great place to start to see what is happening in your life from an outside perspective and a place to get help and support asap. I will say prayers for you and keep on coming back. cdb

Hello Debalina

Welcome to alanon.

As CDB said it sounds as if you life may be in danger.

You seem to have a plan worked out for yourself.

may your HP guide you in the correct choice

You are in my prayers

Hello - I went to my meeting tonight and it was very emotional. Very eye opening. Once again, since I cannot control what he does, where he goes, or with whom he does - I have emotional detached myself from him. I need to concentrate on me.

The deal with me moving in with my brother isn't going to work out for me. He's leaving his wife and already talking about moving his new girlfriend of 1 week and her 2 kids in with him once he gets his home situated. I'm sorry but I don't need to go from one stressful situation into another. I was looking into 1 bedroom apartments today.

I see myself leaving very soon. My "A" hasn't picked up the gun (that I know of) but he did ask where the bullets were because he didn't remember. I didn't tell him.

He was on the sofa when I came home and now he went out somewhere. He doesn't have his DL so he can't drive and I always hide my keys to the car. Most likely he walked to the store to get more beer, but it doesn't matter to me. I just pray for safety for myself until I can get out.

Even though I cry now and then about having to get rid of my cats, I have made my peace with God about them and know I will have other pets in my life in the future. Now I know why I prefer animals over people. LOL I need to break this rollercoaster I'm on and the first step is concentrating on me.

I thank you for all your continued support here and my meetings are extremely helpful!

Deb