he missed 2 of the classes (out of 6) due to excessive drinking
He seemed down after the class.
He said that he tried to exchange phone numbers with some of the others and one ignored him as he said goodbye and another gave him a phone number but would not take his.
Not being at the class I was not sure what to say so I told him they were jealous of his bikes - who knows maybe they are. He brought 4 different one to the class.
but instead I think maybe his social skills have deteriorated as his drinking increased over the last 3 years, any thoughts?
also an update on his quitting progress:
Well sure enough he quit for 3 days and then started up again. he bought a very small bottle of vodka Sunday night and drank it down.
the 3 days were pretty good until Sunday. That is when nothing was right. The bike path was too muddy, the restaurant was too loud on and on ad nauseum...I guess I should have known what was going to come - the booze, and on some level I did think it would happen after all the complaining about nothing....
He had quit entirely for 5 months last year but I guess he is not really ready to do it.
I guess it is his teddy bear. Oh well, I can hope can't I? Maybe not..detach, detach detach
cdb said
Feb 16, 2005
Hello megan,
Some memories came back to me when I read this post. I remembered how years ago when I was not familiar with alcoholism how at my kids' events such as scouts,,school activities, there would be some dads that wreaked of alcohol. I felt sad for the kids and totally turned off by the dads. This even made me not want my kids' to sleep over at their house. Maybe that could be part of the problem here too. Just a thought. No matter what he is doing, it is still not your problem and you need to take care of you. I recently found out that certain people did not want my A daughter at a party because of the behaviour she had shown before when she was drunk. Of course I was told this by her friend since she did not know it due to her black outs. I could just cry thinking there was a room of people calling her friend to get her out of there because they didn't want her there. She is a great girl and very likable etc. But evidentally when drinking people do not want her around! IT is the disease and not her but these people do not know this just like I did not know it when my children were young and their friends' dad's smell of alcohol turned me off. I don't know if this will make any sense to you but it is just a thought that came to me. Good luck. cdb
megan said
Feb 17, 2005
Hello CDB,
Thank-you for taking the time to reply. You certainly have alot going on in your life...I am happy for you that your Dad is out of the hospital.
Dad's that wreaked of alcohol - thanks for sharing that. I am "used to" that smell on my A but you make a valid point, I am sure other people are perceptive of it and react to it.
And your share about your daughters friends not wanting her around when drinking hit home too, I don't want to be around my husband when he drinks, why would complete strangers want to put up with it?
"No matter what he is doing it is still not my problem" yes Oh yes. Thank-you for the reminder. I needed to hear it. Although I am working the program I can backslide so quickly. It indeed is not my problem.
Take care and thanks for the post, it certainly is an eye-opener for me
megan
KathyS said
Feb 17, 2005
Megan,
How are YOU doing? What's new in your world? We can allow ourselves to get so caught up in our A's life, than when someone asks, *How are you?* We reply with a rundown of everything going on with him. When in fact, they didn't ask about him, they asked about you. When I find myself thinking about and talking about my A frequently, it's a sure sign to me that I need to get my focus back where it belongs, back on me. I need to keep my eyes off his plate because last time I checked my plate? It was pretty darn full.
megan said
Feb 17, 2005
Yes, you are right my plate is very full. And yes I appreciate the reminder to keep my eyes on my own plate
I have a project to install a satellite network in a cornfield in Minnesota next week, something new for the company and I pushed for and got the resposibility to head up the effort. This is indeed exciting and I should be focusing on this project and not stewing on my A.
The weather is getting better here in NJ and I can now take my mountain bike to work through the woods. This is enjoyable and I am starting to open my mind to all of the places I can cycle to from my new home. This is where my recovery lies, focusing on me.
Thank-you very much for the insight and the reminder
richard said
Feb 17, 2005
Maybe, I am just not as brave as some of you. I just will not live with an active abuser of drugs like alcohol. Even, if could numb my feelings through detachment, I still would not. Then, I have lived in this rented house for a year without painting the dingy walls also.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 21:21, 2005-02-17
Merlynn said
Feb 18, 2005
Richard, you wrote:
"Maybe, I am just not as brave as some of you. I just will not live with an active abuser of drugs like alcohol. Even, if could numb my feelings through detachment, I still would not."
Growing up the child of an alcoholic, I feel exactly the same way. I have no idea how my mother stayed with my A father all those years, but there is no way I could live that way again and be sane -- it is not in me. In that much, I DO know myself. My father also smoked, and I won't live with a smoker in my home either. I never even dated a smoker, the one guy I went out with that smoked, after I found out (on our first date) that he smoked, I never went out with him again. I consider these things "deal breakers", and it has always been a conscious choice on my part of what I am willing to allow into my life.
Am I a control freak about alcohol? Amazingly enough, no. I can look in my kitchen and find a few bottles of liquor there, but they've hardly been touched, and they were bought ages ago. I'm thinking about pouring them out just to get the counter space back. I can look in my fridge, and see some of those wine cooler type things. Once in a while my hubby will drink one of them, but its rare. I would drink one occasionally, but now I'm on meds that do not allow alcohol consumption. Now that I am thinking about this, I consider this a measure of success. While alcohol had so much control over my life as a child thru my A father, it was not of my choosing. I choose now not to put myself into that position again. This may in fact bar special people from being a part of my life (as long as they are active abusers), but its a risk I can live with.
Mer
megan said
Feb 18, 2005
Brave to live with an alcoholic? I do not know how I feel about that word...
I did not grow up with alcohol abuse and it took my HP and alanon for me FINALLY to figure out what was wrong with my husband.
Then I did some meetings and had my hopes for a quick fix dashed - and I had no control over my A's drinking
Surprise, consternation
I am working the steps, working on me, sometimes I backslide, but I can feel progress.
Will I continue to live the rest of my life with an active A? I cannot see that far down the road.I do know that the 10 months since I have been in alanon I have grown as a person. That is a start..
cdb said
Feb 18, 2005
Hello All,
My life sounded just like Merlyns post since I have been married. IN fact, I did not have alcohol around the house because I was trying to set a good example for my kids. I hate smoke and smoking too. I also would not date or marry a smoker. After my father-in-law passed away 10 years ago or so we inherited some large whiskey bottles which I was not pleased to have in the cupboard. I wish now I had said no to that. I guess I felt I had already set a good example and never thought they would be a problem. Then a several years later, I found that our daughter had been drinking them and adding water to dilute etc., I just thought it was a phase and told my husband I wanted those bottles out of the house! Well, he just decided to hide them. Now, all alcohol is out of the house because my daughter is an alcoholic and we do it out of respect for her. I guess what I am getting at is even though we try so hard to have control in our lives and set a good example for our kids...we only have so much control afterall. My daugter smokes now too and I hate it! She doesn't smoke in the house but her clothes and everything else stinks. I have come to understand that I do not have that much control afterall. I can only control me and my environment,,,with husbands agreement too. WE have agreed to put up with daughter's stinky clothes for now but have no control over when she takes her next drink. Thus, alanon has come into my life to help me learn. Learn about me and what I do have control over and don't. I am not sure if anyone will read this reply but Merlyns post triggered some feelings in me. I don't know about the brave word either,but I do feel that all of us that come here to post and chat are definately survivors and are doing the best that we can for today. cdb
My A went to his bike repair class last night.
It was the last night of the class.
he missed 2 of the classes (out of 6) due to excessive drinking
He seemed down after the class.
He said that he tried to exchange phone numbers with some of the others and one ignored him as he said goodbye and another gave him a phone number but would not take his.
Not being at the class I was not sure what to say so I told him they were jealous of his bikes - who knows maybe they are. He brought 4 different one to the class.
but instead I think maybe his social skills have deteriorated as his drinking increased over the last 3 years, any thoughts?
also an update on his quitting progress:
Well sure enough he quit for 3 days and then started up again. he bought a very small bottle of vodka Sunday night and drank it down.
the 3 days were pretty good until Sunday. That is when nothing was right. The bike path was too muddy, the restaurant was too loud on and on ad nauseum...I guess I should have known what was going to come - the booze, and on some level I did think it would happen after all the complaining about nothing....
He had quit entirely for 5 months last year but I guess he is not really ready to do it.
I guess it is his teddy bear. Oh well, I can hope can't I? Maybe not..detach, detach detach
Hello megan,
Some memories came back to me when I read this post. I remembered how years ago when I was not familiar with alcoholism how at my kids' events such as scouts,,school activities, there would be some dads that wreaked of alcohol. I felt sad for the kids and totally turned off by the dads. This even made me not want my kids' to sleep over at their house. Maybe that could be part of the problem here too. Just a thought. No matter what he is doing, it is still not your problem and you need to take care of you. I recently found out that certain people did not want my A daughter at a party because of the behaviour she had shown before when she was drunk. Of course I was told this by her friend since she did not know it due to her black outs. I could just cry thinking there was a room of people calling her friend to get her out of there because they didn't want her there. She is a great girl and very likable etc. But evidentally when drinking people do not want her around! IT is the disease and not her but these people do not know this just like I did not know it when my children were young and their friends' dad's smell of alcohol turned me off. I don't know if this will make any sense to you but it is just a thought that came to me. Good luck. cdb
Hello CDB,
Thank-you for taking the time to reply. You certainly have alot going on in your life...I am happy for you that your Dad is out of the hospital.
Dad's that wreaked of alcohol - thanks for sharing that. I am "used to" that smell on my A but you make a valid point, I am sure other people are perceptive of it and react to it.
And your share about your daughters friends not wanting her around when drinking hit home too, I don't want to be around my husband when he drinks, why would complete strangers want to put up with it?
"No matter what he is doing it is still not my problem" yes Oh yes. Thank-you for the reminder. I needed to hear it. Although I am working the program I can backslide so quickly. It indeed is not my problem.
Take care and thanks for the post, it certainly is an eye-opener for me
megan
Megan,
How are YOU doing? What's new in your world? We can allow ourselves to get so caught up in our A's life, than when someone asks, *How are you?* We reply with a rundown of everything going on with him. When in fact, they didn't ask about him, they asked about you. When I find myself thinking about and talking about my A frequently, it's a sure sign to me that I need to get my focus back where it belongs, back on me. I need to keep my eyes off his plate because last time I checked my plate? It was pretty darn full.
Yes, you are right my plate is very full. And yes I appreciate the reminder to keep my eyes on my own plate
I have a project to install a satellite network in a cornfield in Minnesota next week, something new for the company and I pushed for and got the resposibility to head up the effort. This is indeed exciting and I should be focusing on this project and not stewing on my A.
The weather is getting better here in NJ and I can now take my mountain bike to work through the woods. This is enjoyable and I am starting to open my mind to all of the places I can cycle to from my new home. This is where my recovery lies, focusing on me.
Thank-you very much for the insight and the reminder
Maybe, I am just not as brave as some of you. I just will not live with an active abuser of drugs like alcohol. Even, if could numb my feelings through detachment, I still would not. Then, I have lived in this rented house for a year without painting the dingy walls also.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 21:21, 2005-02-17
Richard, you wrote:
"Maybe, I am just not as brave as some of you. I just will not live with an active abuser of drugs like alcohol. Even, if could numb my feelings through detachment, I still would not."
Growing up the child of an alcoholic, I feel exactly the same way. I have no idea how my mother stayed with my A father all those years, but there is no way I could live that way again and be sane -- it is not in me. In that much, I DO know myself. My father also smoked, and I won't live with a smoker in my home either. I never even dated a smoker, the one guy I went out with that smoked, after I found out (on our first date) that he smoked, I never went out with him again. I consider these things "deal breakers", and it has always been a conscious choice on my part of what I am willing to allow into my life.
Am I a control freak about alcohol? Amazingly enough, no. I can look in my kitchen and find a few bottles of liquor there, but they've hardly been touched, and they were bought ages ago. I'm thinking about pouring them out just to get the counter space back. I can look in my fridge, and see some of those wine cooler type things. Once in a while my hubby will drink one of them, but its rare. I would drink one occasionally, but now I'm on meds that do not allow alcohol consumption. Now that I am thinking about this, I consider this a measure of success. While alcohol had so much control over my life as a child thru my A father, it was not of my choosing. I choose now not to put myself into that position again. This may in fact bar special people from being a part of my life (as long as they are active abusers), but its a risk I can live with.
Mer
Brave to live with an alcoholic? I do not know how I feel about that word...
I did not grow up with alcohol abuse and it took my HP and alanon for me FINALLY to figure out what was wrong with my husband.
Then I did some meetings and had my hopes for a quick fix dashed - and I had no control over my A's drinking
Surprise, consternation
I am working the steps, working on me, sometimes I backslide, but I can feel progress.
Will I continue to live the rest of my life with an active A? I cannot see that far down the road.I do know that the 10 months since I have been in alanon I have grown as a person. That is a start..
Hello All,
My life sounded just like Merlyns post since I have been married. IN fact, I did not have alcohol around the house because I was trying to set a good example for my kids. I hate smoke and smoking too. I also would not date or marry a smoker. After my father-in-law passed away 10 years ago or so we inherited some large whiskey bottles which I was not pleased to have in the cupboard. I wish now I had said no to that. I guess I felt I had already set a good example and never thought they would be a problem. Then a several years later, I found that our daughter had been drinking them and adding water to dilute etc., I just thought it was a phase and told my husband I wanted those bottles out of the house! Well, he just decided to hide them. Now, all alcohol is out of the house because my daughter is an alcoholic and we do it out of respect for her. I guess what I am getting at is even though we try so hard to have control in our lives and set a good example for our kids...we only have so much control afterall. My daugter smokes now too and I hate it! She doesn't smoke in the house but her clothes and everything else stinks. I have come to understand that I do not have that much control afterall. I can only control me and my environment,,,with husbands agreement too. WE have agreed to put up with daughter's stinky clothes for now but have no control over when she takes her next drink. Thus, alanon has come into my life to help me learn. Learn about me and what I do have control over and don't. I am not sure if anyone will read this reply but Merlyns post triggered some feelings in me. I don't know about the brave word either,but I do feel that all of us that come here to post and chat are definately survivors and are doing the best that we can for today. cdb