I am really freaking out here. My mother hurt her leg at xmas and i have been begging her to go ever since. But she was walking (with a limp) getting around babysitting my kids like always for a couple of weeks, so i thought was a pulled muscle i kept telling her to go and she wouldnt. She finally had no choice monday because she couldnt walk anymore i didnt know she couldnt walk supposedly for a couple of week but she didnt tell me and she was still babysitting my kids alone so. anways i try to stay away sometimes cause my face triggers some anger in my dad for some reason so i sent them down alone for a hour a day. I live in the same apartment building as my parents i moved here in may. The ambulance comes and they were rude and said what do you want us to do since you waited so long? they took her in and made her wait 6 hours in a wheelchair in pain for that reason was like a punishment i guess. They told us yesturday was her hip and she would get xrays done. the xrays showed nothing. So they took a bone scan today and found out that she has a tumor on her kidney. and my family is going nuts my sister has chronic pain cant do things herself althought she works in a daycare takes care of 9 children (go figure) My dad has chronic rhematiod arthritis where he can barely walk at times. I am the only one in my family that is kind of ok although i was supposed to go for a test i never went. Now with this news of my mom, i was at the hospital almost all day. today and yesturday.. My sister said now you will have to take care of your own kids. BUt i always wanted to i mean i was in depression for 4 years and my mother slept over alot to take care of kids while i slept cause i got bad dizzy spells when i was in depression. and when i was off meds and depression she kept the habit of taking care of me and kids and i kind of let her clean do things that a mother should do (me) but when i moved here i told her i wanted to take care of them myself and i wanted 3 days a week alone with them she started crying alot and she didnt respect that and came every night and all day with the kids. so i stayed a way sometimes because i have anger issues with my parents. My sister called me a bitch a looser said i was a bad mother because i yell . And today when she did the same thing i bursted out in to sobbing tears . and she talked to me and we were ok but then she started again. im so stressed out im not ready to loose my mother. All my life ive prayed and prayed that my mother not go before my dad cause he wont make it without her hes like a little child no joke hes not very bright and im not exagerating he cant comprehend things well at alll. He doesnt take care of himself real well either. and my sister told me was my fault cause i didnt take care of them and i made my mom suffer by bringing the kids down. i seemed to have been on another planet because i really didnt knwo she was that bad until she went yesturday. I dont know what t o do seems always something im not strong enough to handle this i know it. I cant do it nothing good comes. i was all happy finished a job search course and i have been looking for a job and my mother was going to be the babysitter till i got home i was supposed to be a good mom and provide for my kids and mom was suppposed to enjoy her grandkids. But that all fell apart i dont know why i feel like a really bad person Hp doesn t seem to stop bringing things to me, my ex interfered with the principal and me and gave her an ear full in email about what was said that i told him in confidence im really dont know where to go from here i reallly dont know what hp wants from me. And if hes going to take my mother after alllllllllll this i give up i cant take it anymore nothing ever stops ever ever. hasnt stopped for along time. In 95 my grandmother died 96 i got engaged 97 i got married 98 i had my first child 99 i had my second child 2000 marriage councelling 2001 divorce 2002 blow from him finding a girlfriend two weeks after we split 2003 i got 1500 stolen from me cause of something stupid i did. 2004 i move here
and now we are here. when do i brethe theres alot in between those years that happened to but im giving an example of why always something happen bad why do i always have to deal. Isnt life supposed to be happy im supposed to be happy despite these things? i cant. I feel like HP is teaching me lesson after lesson but ya know ppl have better lives scammers go on for years and years and im not anything like criminals or scammers so i dont get it? im tired of trying to find out. Im sorry im just venting i am really really loosing all hope. REady to give up i cant take no more i dont want to find out whats next i really dont and im not talking about my mom. i mean after it if shes ok or not what is going to come next? im sick of it i cant handle no more. i dont understand hp there are worse ppl in the world than me :( Yes i am on a huge pity trip cant get off missed the stop!
kerry
debilyn said
Feb 16, 2005
Kerry are you involved in any chuch? Just wondered as there may be some help there.
Life is very hard Kerry. You have a right to hurt. I am glad you come here and vent. Things have been horribly hard for you. I know how it feels to have one thing happen after another. It is nothing you have done. Adversity hits us all in our lifetimes. For some reason you have had more than your share the last few years.
It is horrible that you went thru, what should have been a great part of your life, in turmoil.
Kerry death has plagued my life since my husband died in 81. What I finally learned to do was surrender to hp period and go thru whatever I go thru one day at at time. feel all I have to feel and go on.
What I have done is look at my options. all of them. If I was in your situation I would be doing the same thing. Of course you are hurting about your mom so you are in a emotional fog.
I see in your post, you going ahead of yourself in time. Mom is still here hon, one at a time.
I found a long time ago I was not going to allow toxic people in my life. I did not care if it were my own father or brother, poison is poison. If someone starts being poisonous I leave the room, or I will even protect me and say, I will not allow anyone to talk to me like that.
My relationship with people I love is my own. NOONE tells me how to be with someone.
I am so sad about your mom hon. I hope it is not serious. If it is, then all you can do is love her and don't hold back.
again do not get ahead of yourself. focus on each day. I have been where you are. I did not think I would make it. took me two years to get to where I even wanted to. I mean I lost my mom in 2000.
You may find you are stronger than your realize. I know alanon skills are a big part of why I made it. I came here a lot as you know. I hope you are in the chat room and going to meetings. It really does make a big difference.
Also for me I worked and work hard on my spiritual me. I am going to sunday meetings every sunday and really studying the bible. It has answered a lot of questions for me.
I pray all day long, I always ask that i be shown how the creator wants me to be, to do his will and also I pray for the truth.
My life still has trials Kerry, but I seem to be more relaxed, serene. I do my best and figure what else can I do?
If I honestly am doing all I can then that is that. I rarely worry anymore. why bother? it does not good. I look for options a lot. I put one foot in front of the other.
Let love be your guide.that is my phylosophy.
anyway keep coming back. what state are you in? I am in oregon. love,debilyn
kerry5 said
Feb 16, 2005
Thanks deblyn. Its really hard to see the positive side right now. I am in montreal quebec (canada) Thanks for your words means alot :) and ya know i would be ablle to handle one thing at a time but its not just one thing.. There is a couple of things and my family father and sister arent very compassionate or considerate to anyones feelings. I understand about my dad hes in major pain and his wife is in the hospital they have never been apart. But i mean he used to ask her if was ok for him to have a drink ya know?I am worried about my daughter too with the bully that wont leave her alone. any way thanks again deblyn.
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 07:34, 2005-02-16
cdb said
Feb 16, 2005
Kerry,
Thanks for reaching out here. For me just typing things in a message here helps me alot. I do see that your family dynamics are in control like mine become too. I would just ignore your sister, for the babysitting agreement is between you and your mom. Your mom made it known that she wants the kids and that has been her choice. From what I have been told, grandkids give grandparents a reason to live and hang in there. Do not feel guilty about your mom watching the kids while she didn't feel well because it was her choice and the kids may well help her to fight for her life. I know this because this is what my dad does and has done for years and for some reason he is still alive even though the docs wonder why. I would ignore dad too. If he doesn't like seeing your face,,then don't let it appear. Can you let your mom visit the kids at your apartment when she is better and rest while you take care of her when she sees the kids? As far as the principal,,,I am a teacher and principals have seen it all. Getting emails with personal things in it just shows the principal what kind of dad these kids have so know that he already has shown his true colors. If it were me I would definately have my child see the school counselor because I have friends that are in that profession and they are very good with kids for all kinds of matters. Maybe work it out so your daughter doesn't have to be taken out of class since kids can be cruel and tease when they know a child is leaving to see a counselor etc. Have your daughter see the counselor with you maybe, before school starts or after school to avoid the stigma. But then, there is really nothing wrong with seeing the counselor either. It is just how your daughter reacts,,and since she is being bullied, I would recommend she see the counselor when the rest of the class doesn't know it. Just my opinion. Also, have you talked to her teacher. Teachers can be your best friends as far as this bully and also what your ex has done to help provide your daughter with the nurturance and guidance she may need now.
Take care of you! Your mom is in good hands just like my dad was in when he was hospitalized for this past week. Call her and stay home with your kids! There are hospital staff to take care of her. She will be okay for awhile until they find out the problem. It could be just an innocent cyst and medications could make is reduce etc. Your kids and you are the most important things right now. cdb
kerry5 said
Feb 16, 2005
my mom has cancer :( she has a tumor on her kidney which they could treat i know... and then ...... on her spine!!!!!!!!!! i try to be strong when things come but i sure wish they would stop coming for just a little while
cdb said
Feb 16, 2005
Prayers for your mom,,,you and your family! If you see this you may want to start a new post so more people will read it and say prayers. cdb
jj said
Feb 17, 2005
(((((((((((Kerry))))))))))
So sorry I missed your post. I think of you alot and have you family in my heart! Sory i had to go lastnight. I really do know a bit of how you are feeling. The last time I felt like giving up on everything including life I was in a bad spot with my family and my inlaws. Sometimes it feels like I give and give for everyone but me. They take and take and make me feel like crap. Like all i do for them is taken for granted and no matter what i'm the bitch and i do everything wrong and everything is my fault. It is unfair!!! So fianlly a while ago I put an end to it my sister the one who could do no wrong the one that made me out to be the bad guy all the time, well I finally told her I had had enough. I told her not to critisize me until she walked a mile in my shoes, to keep her mouth shut until she new the facts and to quit crying the blues to everyone that i was so mean to her when i wasn't. I quit answering the phone when she would call and i didn't see her for over 2 years and she lived quite close. The same went for my brother and my husbands sisters. I cut them all out. Told them that when they could show me some respect that then i would talk to them. Slowly I have started talking to all of them again but they all know that I will not put up with any of their crap. I have enough of my own I don't need theirs.
There are times when I feel like I get sucked in but as soon as I realize it I end it, put a stop to it when and if I can. Like someone advised me I fill my bag of sand and burry it under all the single socks.
My sister and i have kind of reconsiled but I finally told her that even though she might think she knows me that she has no clue. So I filled her in a bit and let her see a glimps of me and my life and all she could do was say sory I had no idea. She doesn't have kids and everytime she tries to critisize me I kindly remind her that when and if she ever has her own then maybe she might know how I feel or what it is like.
Its hard enough to be a mom and think that I'm a good mom but when I have people telling me what i do is wrong or that i'm a bad mom they have no idea. I punnish myself for the things that I do wheather it be yelling or loosing my temper.
All I am saying is that you are not alone. Don't give up I BELIEVE in you! You can get through this and when all is said and done you will look back and see that you are stronger and you did make it.
I care about you. I beleve in you. Just keep thinking that you have me and all of us here for you thinking of you. We are here for you to lean on when you fell like you have no one. Don't forget you have us. There is always some one thinking of you wondering how you are. There are always plenty of huggs here.
((((((((((Kerry)))))))))))))
JJ
kerry5 said
Feb 18, 2005
I was at the hopsital today three different hospitals for 16 hours what hell it was. 8 hours just waiting for a transport back to her regular hospital from the ambulance. I wont share right now about my day im to ddeead but im shaking here. Shes dying, they told me today after her xray that it is not curable and she is going to pallative care (last stop) doc told me that very rudely i started sobbing. He says your mother isnt treatable and waved his hand like a blow off. and i said so what are you going to do? he said nothing pallative carE(last stop) waved his hand again then said to stop crying right now and DO NOT SHOW YOUR MOTHER OR TELL HER THIS. AND WALKED AWAY!!!no one in my family knows i was the only one with my mom today :( of course its always me to get this news i was the only one there who got the news of cancer too. My dads a wreck i know he will follow her wont be long after her how freaky to loose both parents they are 60 . I want to thank you for all your prayers but they didnt work. theres alot i dont understand and this is to big for alanon im sure... But theres no where else to go and i know them all therapy and all i know i dont have time for it.
Merlynn said
Feb 18, 2005
Dear Kerry,
First of all, let me say I am sorry to hear about your Mom and her condition. I can tell that you love your Mom and the rest of your family and no doubt you are feeling like God has abandoned you with all the stuff you are going through at the moment and over the last few years. Let me also say, to hear that your Mom's doc told you to stop crying and etc. was VERY callous and cold-hearted and certainly nothing ANYONE with a heart would expect to hear from a doctor after being given the news about your Mom's condition.
That being said, I also want to address a comment of yours: "I want to thank you for all your prayers but they didnt work." A prayer is something like a question, a request to God for an answer, but as someone said in another post, we need to learn that even "No" is a valid answer. While this is a hard thing to accept, perhaps it is the right thing to accept. (I'm really just starting to learn and accept it myself.) Perhaps God has other plans for your Mom, and needs to call her home. Perhaps the doctor is WRONG, your Mom will recover, and the doctor needed to learn he's not perfect and can make a mistake. Right now, it is too soon to know what God intends and the best we mere mortals can do is strive to put it all into his care and have faith, even when having faith is the hardest thing on earth for us TO do.
*heartfelt hugs* Please don't lose hope, and know that we are here for you (and for ourselves) and you are not alone...
Mer
bob6502 said
Feb 22, 2005
Glad you are here Kerry. Our HP never said we had to deal with all that is thrown at as all at once. Whenever you fell overwhelmed....just don't do something...stand there!!!! I have been overwhelmed many times and let all the diseasters in my life get me down. Finally I just got angry and said "OK HP....bring it on!!!" I found strenght and courage and all the footwork that I did helped me get myself out of the diseasters and on the road to healing and recovery. Keep coming back Kerry. Best wishes, bob6502.
I am really freaking out here. My mother hurt her leg at xmas and i have been begging her to go ever since. But she was walking (with a limp) getting around babysitting my kids like always for a couple of weeks, so i thought was a pulled muscle i kept telling her to go and she wouldnt. She finally had no choice monday because she couldnt walk anymore i didnt know she couldnt walk supposedly for a couple of week but she didnt tell me and she was still babysitting my kids alone so. anways i try to stay away sometimes cause my face triggers some anger in my dad for some reason so i sent them down alone for a hour a day. I live in the same apartment building as my parents i moved here in may. The ambulance comes and they were rude and said what do you want us to do since you waited so long? they took her in and made her wait 6 hours in a wheelchair in pain for that reason was like a punishment i guess. They told us yesturday was her hip and she would get xrays done. the xrays showed nothing. So they took a bone scan today and found out that she has a tumor on her kidney. and my family is going nuts my sister has chronic pain cant do things herself althought she works in a daycare takes care of 9 children (go figure) My dad has chronic rhematiod arthritis where he can barely walk at times. I am the only one in my family that is kind of ok although i was supposed to go for a test i never went. Now with this news of my mom, i was at the hospital almost all day. today and yesturday.. My sister said now you will have to take care of your own kids. BUt i always wanted to i mean i was in depression for 4 years and my mother slept over alot to take care of kids while i slept cause i got bad dizzy spells when i was in depression. and when i was off meds and depression she kept the habit of taking care of me and kids and i kind of let her clean do things that a mother should do (me) but when i moved here i told her i wanted to take care of them myself and i wanted 3 days a week alone with them she started crying alot and she didnt respect that and came every night and all day with the kids. so i stayed a way sometimes because i have anger issues with my parents. My sister called me a bitch a looser said i was a bad mother because i yell . And today when she did the same thing i bursted out in to sobbing tears . and she talked to me and we were ok but then she started again. im so stressed out im not ready to loose my mother. All my life ive prayed and prayed that my mother not go before my dad cause he wont make it without her hes like a little child no joke hes not very bright and im not exagerating he cant comprehend things well at alll. He doesnt take care of himself real well either. and my sister told me was my fault cause i didnt take care of them and i made my mom suffer by bringing the kids down. i seemed to have been on another planet because i really didnt knwo she was that bad until she went yesturday. I dont know what t o do seems always something im not strong enough to handle this i know it. I cant do it nothing good comes. i was all happy finished a job search course and i have been looking for a job and my mother was going to be the babysitter till i got home i was supposed to be a good mom and provide for my kids and mom was suppposed to enjoy her grandkids. But that all fell apart i dont know why i feel like a really bad person Hp doesn t seem to stop bringing things to me, my ex interfered with the principal and me and gave her an ear full in email about what was said that i told him in confidence im really dont know where to go from here i reallly dont know what hp wants from me. And if hes going to take my mother after alllllllllll this i give up i cant take it anymore nothing ever stops ever ever. hasnt stopped for along time. In 95 my grandmother died 96 i got engaged 97 i got married 98 i had my first child 99 i had my second child 2000 marriage councelling 2001 divorce 2002 blow from him finding a girlfriend two weeks after we split 2003 i got 1500 stolen from me cause of something stupid i did. 2004 i move here
and now we are here. when do i brethe theres alot in between those years that happened to but im giving an example of why always something happen bad why do i always have to deal. Isnt life supposed to be happy im supposed to be happy despite these things? i cant. I feel like HP is teaching me lesson after lesson but ya know ppl have better lives scammers go on for years and years and im not anything like criminals or scammers so i dont get it? im tired of trying to find out. Im sorry im just venting i am really really loosing all hope. REady to give up i cant take no more i dont want to find out whats next i really dont and im not talking about my mom. i mean after it if shes ok or not what is going to come next? im sick of it i cant handle no more. i dont understand hp there are worse ppl in the world than me :( Yes i am on a huge pity trip cant get off missed the stop!
kerry
Thanks deblyn. Its really hard to see the positive side right now. I am in montreal quebec (canada) Thanks for your words means alot :) and ya know i would be ablle to handle one thing at a time but its not just one thing.. There is a couple of things and my family father and sister arent very compassionate or considerate to anyones feelings. I understand about my dad hes in major pain and his wife is in the hospital they have never been apart. But i mean he used to ask her if was ok for him to have a drink ya know?I am worried about my daughter too with the bully that wont leave her alone. any way thanks again deblyn.
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 07:34, 2005-02-16
Kerry,
Thanks for reaching out here. For me just typing things in a message here helps me alot. I do see that your family dynamics are in control like mine become too. I would just ignore your sister, for the babysitting agreement is between you and your mom. Your mom made it known that she wants the kids and that has been her choice. From what I have been told, grandkids give grandparents a reason to live and hang in there. Do not feel guilty about your mom watching the kids while she didn't feel well because it was her choice and the kids may well help her to fight for her life. I know this because this is what my dad does and has done for years and for some reason he is still alive even though the docs wonder why. I would ignore dad too. If he doesn't like seeing your face,,then don't let it appear. Can you let your mom visit the kids at your apartment when she is better and rest while you take care of her when she sees the kids? As far as the principal,,,I am a teacher and principals have seen it all. Getting emails with personal things in it just shows the principal what kind of dad these kids have so know that he already has shown his true colors. If it were me I would definately have my child see the school counselor because I have friends that are in that profession and they are very good with kids for all kinds of matters. Maybe work it out so your daughter doesn't have to be taken out of class since kids can be cruel and tease when they know a child is leaving to see a counselor etc. Have your daughter see the counselor with you maybe, before school starts or after school to avoid the stigma. But then, there is really nothing wrong with seeing the counselor either. It is just how your daughter reacts,,and since she is being bullied, I would recommend she see the counselor when the rest of the class doesn't know it. Just my opinion. Also, have you talked to her teacher. Teachers can be your best friends as far as this bully and also what your ex has done to help provide your daughter with the nurturance and guidance she may need now.
Take care of you! Your mom is in good hands just like my dad was in when he was hospitalized for this past week. Call her and stay home with your kids! There are hospital staff to take care of her. She will be okay for awhile until they find out the problem. It could be just an innocent cyst and medications could make is reduce etc. Your kids and you are the most important things right now. cdb
(((((((((((Kerry))))))))))
So sorry I missed your post. I think of you alot and have you family in my heart! Sory i had to go lastnight. I really do know a bit of how you are feeling. The last time I felt like giving up on everything including life I was in a bad spot with my family and my inlaws. Sometimes it feels like I give and give for everyone but me. They take and take and make me feel like crap. Like all i do for them is taken for granted and no matter what i'm the bitch and i do everything wrong and everything is my fault. It is unfair!!! So fianlly a while ago I put an end to it my sister the one who could do no wrong the one that made me out to be the bad guy all the time, well I finally told her I had had enough. I told her not to critisize me until she walked a mile in my shoes, to keep her mouth shut until she new the facts and to quit crying the blues to everyone that i was so mean to her when i wasn't. I quit answering the phone when she would call and i didn't see her for over 2 years and she lived quite close. The same went for my brother and my husbands sisters. I cut them all out. Told them that when they could show me some respect that then i would talk to them. Slowly I have started talking to all of them again but they all know that I will not put up with any of their crap. I have enough of my own I don't need theirs.
There are times when I feel like I get sucked in but as soon as I realize it I end it, put a stop to it when and if I can. Like someone advised me I fill my bag of sand and burry it under all the single socks.
My sister and i have kind of reconsiled but I finally told her that even though she might think she knows me that she has no clue. So I filled her in a bit and let her see a glimps of me and my life and all she could do was say sory I had no idea. She doesn't have kids and everytime she tries to critisize me I kindly remind her that when and if she ever has her own then maybe she might know how I feel or what it is like.
Its hard enough to be a mom and think that I'm a good mom but when I have people telling me what i do is wrong or that i'm a bad mom they have no idea. I punnish myself for the things that I do wheather it be yelling or loosing my temper.
All I am saying is that you are not alone. Don't give up I BELIEVE in you! You can get through this and when all is said and done you will look back and see that you are stronger and you did make it.
I care about you. I beleve in you. Just keep thinking that you have me and all of us here for you thinking of you. We are here for you to lean on when you fell like you have no one. Don't forget you have us. There is always some one thinking of you wondering how you are. There are always plenty of huggs here.
((((((((((Kerry)))))))))))))
JJ
I was at the hopsital today three different hospitals for 16 hours
what hell it was. 8 hours just waiting for a transport back to her regular hospital from the ambulance. I wont share right now about my day im to ddeead but im shaking here. Shes dying, they told me today after her xray that it is not curable and she is going to pallative care (last stop) doc told me that very rudely i started sobbing. He says your mother isnt treatable and waved his hand like a blow off. and i said so what are you going to do? he said nothing pallative carE(last stop) waved his hand again then said to stop crying right now and DO NOT SHOW YOUR MOTHER OR TELL HER THIS. AND WALKED AWAY!!!no one in my family knows i was the only one with my mom today :( of course its always me to get this news i was the only one there who got the news of cancer too. My dads a wreck i know he will follow her wont be long after her how freaky to loose both parents they are 60 . I want to thank you for all your prayers but they didnt work. theres alot i dont understand and this is to big for alanon im sure... But theres no where else to go and i know them all therapy and all i know i dont have time for it.
Dear Kerry,
First of all, let me say I am sorry to hear about your Mom and her condition. I can tell that you love your Mom and the rest of your family and no doubt you are feeling like God has abandoned you with all the stuff you are going through at the moment and over the last few years. Let me also say, to hear that your Mom's doc told you to stop crying and etc. was VERY callous and cold-hearted and certainly nothing ANYONE with a heart would expect to hear from a doctor after being given the news about your Mom's condition.
That being said, I also want to address a comment of yours: "I want to thank you for all your prayers but they didnt work." A prayer is something like a question, a request to God for an answer, but as someone said in another post, we need to learn that even "No" is a valid answer. While this is a hard thing to accept, perhaps it is the right thing to accept. (I'm really just starting to learn and accept it myself.) Perhaps God has other plans for your Mom, and needs to call her home. Perhaps the doctor is WRONG, your Mom will recover, and the doctor needed to learn he's not perfect and can make a mistake. Right now, it is too soon to know what God intends and the best we mere mortals can do is strive to put it all into his care and have faith, even when having faith is the hardest thing on earth for us TO do.
*heartfelt hugs* Please don't lose hope, and know that we are here for you (and for ourselves) and you are not alone...
Mer