Codependents usually dont want their relationships to fall apart, even tho in moments of anger they may talk about divorce or threaten to leave. And the most common reason they give for staying with a drinking or using partner is the simplest reason of all : LOVE>

And in the name of love, they hang onto each shred of hope that their partner will get straight or somehow transform into a social drinker or a weekend user. In the meantime (and while waiting for the miracle  that never comes), they invent excuses for their kids, for relatives and friends for the boss the supervisor etc.

Then, when the codependent partner turns up, remorseful and contrite, after another binge or bender, the codependent accepts the tearful apoogies and beleives the heartfelt promises , AGAIN.

If the partners of codependents are sick, so are the codependents. On the other hand, they can both recover.

But codependents can help the process along immeasureabley by realizing that they can help themselves.

That is why they need to get help. Because of their problem isnt their partners drinking or drug problem--not anymore. Its their own fear, their own anger, their own anxiety, their own resentment.   I hope for many of you this is helpful,,,,,gardengal

Your post really made me think. As recovery sort of sets in and I become stronger and feel better, I am tired and feeling good at the same time- to much head shrinking, but I need to go through this stuff.To be frank at the moment I am very mellow as deep thoughts of how and why I had become so sick seem to wonder in and out of my mind- the nice part is the thoughts are released and I let them go, and on to the next set of thoughts and feelings, replacing the negitive ones with positive ones- it was not fair, if I never drank I said to myself, what a fool , but I knew it was not only my A's problem here, I had same major issues too, it was just easier to blame the drunken fool, what a horrible thing to say, sorry, but that is how ugly I became, the anger was eating me up inside, until there was nothing left for me to offer anyone else except posion. Yuck, what a lousy thing to only have pure poison in ones heart.. But the truth is all I needed was the cup in hand, and I would have been in the same place as I am now, butwith two groups instead of one AA and Alanon. Fact of the matter is I was in denial, from myself and how indeed this illness has taken it's tollon myself and family. Anyhow, just wanted you to know that I did get alot out of your post, and boy did it ring some truth into my day. Thanks again,Dorean

wow, did your post hit me like a ton of bricks. Yo see, I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist who I haven't seen in two years. Deep down I know I struggling with do I stay or do I go? I've been rebuilding a life for myself since I saw her last and I feel strong. Now what? He's back to his old ways and I hate to admit that I still can't handle it. But....I love him! So, thanks for the eye opener. I will continue to grow with the help of Ala-non and it's members.