Five years ago, I discovered that my husband of 18 years had cheated on me. This began some serious issues between us, which resulted in some major changes in his life.
His father was an alcoholic, and I knew he drank too much, but I never really considered him a full-blown alcoholic until he declared himself one at the time of our separation. He hasn't had anything to drink since then - and that's been five years. He goes to AA meetings several times a week.
There are many parts to my "new husband" that I like. He comes home every day at the same time. He doesn't lose his temper like he used to. He is a much better father. But our social life has ground to a halt. He doesn't like to go out or go dancing any more. He goes to bed much earlier than he used to. He never wants to accept dinner invitations that we always used to enjoy. We used to have a huge Christmas party each year; not any more.
He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm only 46 years old. I don't think I can stand this the rest of my life!
I don't think he's cheating on me any more, but I'm not sure he's doing much of anything. He's BOOOORRRIING. To his credit, he provides for us very well financially. He is a good father and spends a lot of time with our kids. He just doesn't really want to do anything any more.
Will he ever get over this? Is this about not drinking? Or is it possible that he just doesn't like being around me? I'm at a loss. There are times I liked him better before he quit drinking.
Just For Now said
Feb 18, 2008
I too have experienced the boredom of the AH. We have nothing to do with a social life or friends to 'hang' out with. But unlike you, this was the same before the soberhood. I am hoping this gets better with time, but that will have to be in the hands of HP and me letting it all go. Good luck with you and your AH and the boredom.
RainyJamie said
Feb 19, 2008
My AH can literally bore me to tears. I don't know how it applies to your situation, whether it is a sober thing or not, or if it is just a man thing. But I think that we have the right not to be bored. We have one life and what are we going to get out of it if we are all cooped up inside the house where it is warm and predictable? We can't learn or experience anything like that! I wanted to travel the world when I met my AH, and he did too (at least he said he did). But this other person took over, the one that made vacations so complicated that we couldn't even enjoy them; the one that would rather buy things than do things. Sorry, being bored is an issue I'm currently grappling with. Our lives aren't over, they are just different.
round3 said
Feb 19, 2008
Gwerty - I've done a lot of thinking about this issue for quite some time. Not because my A was boring - but because I had wondered what attracted me to certain individuals to start with. So I soul-searched.
I've NEVER been attracted to the 9 - 5 guy. Never. And what's so wrong with the 9 - 5 guy? Nothing really. They pay their bills and show up for dinner every night. Why do I desire the guy who likes living on the edge a little? The risk-taker, the bad boy, the one who's a little different. They keep me entertained - they keep my attention - perhaps they make me work a little harder. But I realize that's MY issue. Only I can resolve why the 9 to 5'er isn't right for me. So now I'm working on my "picker". Maybe I've got to straighten up some things with me so that I can begin to pick the "right" men for me. I don't know....I may always enjoy that "interesting" guy - but I need to realize that he may not be the healthiest choice for me. Just my thoughts....
~R3
Lady said
Feb 22, 2008
Understandable qwerty.....5 yrs into recovery, you're needing marriage recovery now.
Hi all! I am also struggling to figure out life with my sober A husband also. We?ve been together for 18 years, have 3 beautiful (pre-teen - teenager) children, and own a bar. ? Yes, you read that correctly. We own a bar. So our financial stability also depends on alcohol.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was a total alcoholic (but so charming and slick), he totally sucked me in. We spent our time in the bars (I?ve always been a bartender, in fact, it?s all that I know) both working and playing. My husband was a dynamite pool player and people where constant betting money on him, and huddling around his table to watch.
I would watch him a bit, hit the dance floor, and make friends. Socializing was second nature for me (being a bartender).
Though we both drank quite a lot, he would always be the one to overdo it, leaving the responsibility of driving home (less drunk than him) and getting us in the door to me. I did realize (and resent) that he would take having fun to the extreme and leave me all the mess and responsibility to deal with, however, I was also having fun?- so I did just try to ignore it.
The day after a bender he would be completely useless, often missing work, and just laying around. Sometimes we would both feel pretty rough, though I never lost my sense of responsibility. I always held it together, kept my job, (became the consistent financial provider), kept the house and took care of everything.
Early on, I thought of leaving so many times, yet never did? he was just too charming and slick for me to leave. Then I got pregnant, 2 years in to our drunken/partying relationship. Obviously, I got sober, (it was no problem? though I did get bored.. lol) He continued to drink (daily) leaving me sober, pregnant and breast feeding for the next (approximately 10 years) as I worked, and raised our family. Through all this, he took advantage of me (leaving most of the responsibilities (both financial and otherwise). He drank, cheated on me (6 times ? different girls ( and once with a guy) each time over the years), sometimes didn?t come home, etc. Like I said we own a bar.. so this was an easy outlet for him. He stayed either drunk or hungover constantly? rinse and repeat.
Each time he cheated on me, he would swear he was quitting drinking. He never attempted a program, and honestly was just pretending that he wanted to get sober so I wouldn?t leave him. He would purposely (or so I believe) become so boring and depressed that I?d actually miss him drinking. His level of responsibility/help never improved, so he was either boring and depressed (and just sitting around) or drunk/hungover and sitting around. Trying to find the lessor of the 2 evils was daunting.
Each time he ?quit? drinking, I quit with him (easily as I was well accustomed to being the responsible person anyway). With his boringness and depression, each time, I enabled (allowed him to convince me) him to drink again each time because seeing him sober and depressed was no better than the drunk I lived with either. He was always at least a great dad, though a shitty husband and help mate. Mentally this was always such a mind game. Exhausting really.
This last time he cheated, (2 years ago) I mentally checked out. Though I will not leave bc of our children? it?s like I am here and not. I gave up. I gave up on him and me. This time he has managed to stay sober (maybe he sneaks it? I?m not positive) and I have not. I feel like I have rearranged my life enough at this point. I am still the breadwinner, I am still keeping up the house, I still run our businesses, I still get up first and hit the ground running everyday, AND I am not quitting drinking this time. I feel like why should I?!
If he really wants to quit and stay sober? that is on him. Not on me. If he drinks I will leave, period. I do find some small piece of pleasure in drinking right in front of him (to watch him squirm as I did all those years). I know that sounds awful? but it?s true. I feel like our entire relationship has been all about taking care of him? either when he had been drunk, hungover, or sober. I had given up all my friends, social life and really myself in taking care of him. I am beyond resentful, and really feel like it?s my turn to have a good time now for a change.
Deep down I do wish we could just work it out?. But at this point I AM UNWILLING to change. I like to have fun, I like to drink.. I am well over 21 and legal? and I still handle everything. I feel like I deserve a treat and a medal for all this.
I want him to stay sober, (though he is boring, it?s better than a drunk cheater), I want him to be charming and slick again.. (he couldn?t be further from charming), and I want to be able to drink, have friends and a social life again?. I mean I really deserve it after all these years of giving it up for him. Any thoughts, help or advise here is much appreciated.
Can this work? Am I nuts? Are we too far gone?
DM2021 said
Jul 18, 2021
Welcome to MIP TR!
Happy you found us and shared your thoughts/concerns.
My first thought for you, and keep in mind that Al-Anon is about you only, that you need to find a healthy
serenity for you and your children. Al-Anon can help you find that healthy mind/body serenity.
Locating a local face to face meeting group would be a great way for you to tap into the support you
need and MIP is always here for you as well.
Please keep coming back!!
Daffodils said
Jul 18, 2021
Welcome to MIP. Glad you found this board. Please keep coming back. (((HUGS)))
mamalioness said
Jul 18, 2021
Welcome to MIP. I used to pick The bad ones, the ones who lived on the edge, the ones who brought chaos and excitement into my life because thats what I grew up with. But when I went to Al-Anon meetings and really got into the program and work the steps, I figured out it was me and my choices that were bringing all of this even though it was exciting, it was hard breaking in the end. But I worked on me and I focused on me and I work the steps and I changed by going to the meetings and working the steps and sharing with other recovery partners and now those boring 9 to 5 guys look pretty interesting now of course Im older and I dont know if being in a relationship again is in my life chart but I noticed the friends I choose, the jobs that I pick, the people in general that I pick are healthier they are stable they are responsible. They are like me. I want people who are stable and responsible and honest and open and moral and trustworthy and serene.
And those are the ones I attract now and it feels real good because I changed my self and therefore I changed my situations with people
a4l said
Jul 18, 2021
Hi. Welcome aboard. I could relate to some of your story. The man I married and I were drinking partners. Hard drinking partners. I think we fancied ourselves quite alot in that early stage and definitely there was and is a connection between us. Like your story, I had babies and carried the bulk of the responsibilities. He went to work. He went to the bars. I got resentful and then I got nuts. I came to realise his drinking served to distract me from my own. Having a naughty partner and dealing with the fallout of it kept me pretty busy. And yet a part of me could totally relate to his failings. Then I'd get all high and mighty as in look at me, I've got my stuff together why can't you?
Alcoholism is progressive. It is also cunning, baffling and powerful. A spiritual disease affecting mind and body as well. It is not merely the affliction of the homeless street person or the destitute though certainly it can go that way. In both sides of the programme we are taught to look only at ourselves, asking what is my role in this? We call it a family disease because it affects all it touches. The drinker, the partner, the kids. For me, I can relate to being all three. But I didn't reach that realisation simultaneously. I have shared in the other room AA) that I was a member of alanon and found myself relating very much to the drinkers and then I went oh sh"#. From that point on its been a process of editing and re editing my life. Figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how I want to show up in my life. It takes work and time to unravel the effects and impacts of addiction. It starts with awareness.
My suggestion to you would be to look up some of the 12 step literature. A merry go round called denial, is available online. There is the alanon website.
In the meantime, glad you're here and keep coming back.
Maresie888 said
Jul 19, 2021
Thank you so much for coming in to this group. We are always really eager to have new members. I am so glad to meet you
In al anon we talk a lot about expectations. When I first got here of course I balked at the idea that there was something off with my expectations
I think for many of is when our significant others get sober our expectations are that is the end of our problems. In fact it is the beginning of new issues. Having challenging problems is a life long issue. There are good problems and bad problems. Right now I have pretty much good problems. I feel on top of them
Most of my life I have been overwhelmed dealing with issue. That is in particular to significant relationships
Relationships are indeed difficult. For some of us relationships are hugely triggering. I have not always been adept at managing triggers
One of my dear friends spends a lot of time with his grand children and daughter. Nothing wrong with that per se. However he has many many urgent issues in his life that are approaching emergencies. At some point codependent behavior stops working.
I most definitely like him used relationships as a distraction. I had no idea how to approach and manage my issues so I dived in deep to relationships. Then those relationships reflected kn my self worth
It is indeed challenging to be in a relationship in early recovery.
The challenge of being with someone who shows their vulnerabilities is particularly raw. The challenge of countering a newly sober person is a big one. Having assistance esoecially of a program is so key that
For many of us codependency has many flavors. I am certainly codependent in many different ways. I have to be on top of all of them
In fact for me all the you discuss group events, family occasions,holidays are all triggering. The triggering was even more difficult in a relationship
Indeed friendships are indeed difficult. In recently lost a friendship through the malicious vicious actions of another person. I feel in should have acted sooner to mitigate those actions but I was not the only party involved. These are hard times. Investing in a relationship only to see another person maliciously attack others is very very challenging
Now those actions have caused great harm to certain people and meanwhile no one is supposed to discuss this issue ever again. We are indeed truly dysfunctional people dealing with a dysfunctional world. Viewing it as who is dysfunctional is one thing but we all are dysfunctional in so many ways.
All of us are indeed incredibly vulnerable. I have had to question how safe certain venues are once I.see people bullied and terrorized. After all tolerating abuse and intentional distress is a sign poor boundaries. Boundaries are a critical need to me. I have to be in an environment where bullying is not permitted. Displays of dominance and control are also critical. When only one person is speaking all the time there is something wrong with the balance . Why do they need to be speaking every second of the day?;
Glad you could make it here to join our discussion
Welcome
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 19th of July 2021 02:52:08 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 19th of July 2021 02:53:22 AM
Seahorse7 said
Jul 19, 2021
Qwerty just a thought: it sounds like depression. He could be a good provider and parent and yet still be deeply depressed. Wishing you the best, hope you find ways to make your OWN life more exciting. Hugs.
His father was an alcoholic, and I knew he drank too much, but I never really considered him a full-blown alcoholic until he declared himself one at the time of our separation. He hasn't had anything to drink since then - and that's been five years. He goes to AA meetings several times a week.
There are many parts to my "new husband" that I like. He comes home every day at the same time. He doesn't lose his temper like he used to. He is a much better father. But our social life has ground to a halt. He doesn't like to go out or go dancing any more. He goes to bed much earlier than he used to. He never wants to accept dinner invitations that we always used to enjoy. We used to have a huge Christmas party each year; not any more.
He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm only 46 years old. I don't think I can stand this the rest of my life!
I don't think he's cheating on me any more, but I'm not sure he's doing much of anything. He's BOOOORRRIING. To his credit, he provides for us very well financially. He is a good father and spends a lot of time with our kids. He just doesn't really want to do anything any more.
Will he ever get over this? Is this about not drinking? Or is it possible that he just doesn't like being around me? I'm at a loss. There are times I liked him better before he quit drinking.
Good luck with you and your AH and the boredom.
My AH can literally bore me to tears. I don't know how it applies to your situation, whether it is a sober thing or not, or if it is just a man thing. But I think that we have the right not to be bored. We have one life and what are we going to get out of it if we are all cooped up inside the house where it is warm and predictable? We can't learn or experience anything like that! I wanted to travel the world when I met my AH, and he did too (at least he said he did). But this other person took over, the one that made vacations so complicated that we couldn't even enjoy them; the one that would rather buy things than do things.
Sorry, being bored is an issue I'm currently grappling with. Our lives aren't over, they are just different.
Here is a link to help in that area.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html
Hoping for the best for you,
Lady
Hi all! I am also struggling to figure out life with my sober A husband also. We?ve been together for 18 years, have 3 beautiful (pre-teen - teenager) children, and own a bar. ? Yes, you read that correctly. We own a bar. So our financial stability also depends on alcohol.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was a total alcoholic (but so charming and slick), he totally sucked me in. We spent our time in the bars (I?ve always been a bartender, in fact, it?s all that I know) both working and playing. My husband was a dynamite pool player and people where constant betting money on him, and huddling around his table to watch.
I would watch him a bit, hit the dance floor, and make friends. Socializing was second nature for me (being a bartender).
Though we both drank quite a lot, he would always be the one to overdo it, leaving the responsibility of driving home (less drunk than him) and getting us in the door to me. I did realize (and resent) that he would take having fun to the extreme and leave me all the mess and responsibility to deal with, however, I was also having fun?- so I did just try to ignore it.
The day after a bender he would be completely useless, often missing work, and just laying around. Sometimes we would both feel pretty rough, though I never lost my sense of responsibility. I always held it together, kept my job, (became the consistent financial provider), kept the house and took care of everything.
Early on, I thought of leaving so many times, yet never did? he was just too charming and slick for me to leave. Then I got pregnant, 2 years in to our drunken/partying relationship. Obviously, I got sober, (it was no problem? though I did get bored.. lol) He continued to drink (daily) leaving me sober, pregnant and breast feeding for the next (approximately 10 years) as I worked, and raised our family. Through all this, he took advantage of me (leaving most of the responsibilities (both financial and otherwise). He drank, cheated on me (6 times ? different girls ( and once with a guy) each time over the years), sometimes didn?t come home, etc. Like I said we own a bar.. so this was an easy outlet for him. He stayed either drunk or hungover constantly? rinse and repeat.
Each time he cheated on me, he would swear he was quitting drinking. He never attempted a program, and honestly was just pretending that he wanted to get sober so I wouldn?t leave him. He would purposely (or so I believe) become so boring and depressed that I?d actually miss him drinking. His level of responsibility/help never improved, so he was either boring and depressed (and just sitting around) or drunk/hungover and sitting around. Trying to find the lessor of the 2 evils was daunting.
Each time he ?quit? drinking, I quit with him (easily as I was well accustomed to being the responsible person anyway). With his boringness and depression, each time, I enabled (allowed him to convince me) him to drink again each time because seeing him sober and depressed was no better than the drunk I lived with either. He was always at least a great dad, though a shitty husband and help mate. Mentally this was always such a mind game. Exhausting really.
This last time he cheated, (2 years ago) I mentally checked out. Though I will not leave bc of our children? it?s like I am here and not. I gave up. I gave up on him and me. This time he has managed to stay sober (maybe he sneaks it? I?m not positive) and I have not. I feel like I have rearranged my life enough at this point. I am still the breadwinner, I am still keeping up the house, I still run our businesses, I still get up first and hit the ground running everyday, AND I am not quitting drinking this time. I feel like why should I?!
If he really wants to quit and stay sober? that is on him. Not on me. If he drinks I will leave, period. I do find some small piece of pleasure in drinking right in front of him (to watch him squirm as I did all those years). I know that sounds awful? but it?s true. I feel like our entire relationship has been all about taking care of him? either when he had been drunk, hungover, or sober. I had given up all my friends, social life and really myself in taking care of him. I am beyond resentful, and really feel like it?s my turn to have a good time now for a change.
Deep down I do wish we could just work it out?. But at this point I AM UNWILLING to change. I like to have fun, I like to drink.. I am well over 21 and legal? and I still handle everything. I feel like I deserve a treat and a medal for all this.
I want him to stay sober, (though he is boring, it?s better than a drunk cheater), I want him to be charming and slick again.. (he couldn?t be further from charming), and I want to be able to drink, have friends and a social life again?. I mean I really deserve it after all these years of giving it up for him. Any thoughts, help or advise here is much appreciated.
Can this work? Am I nuts? Are we too far gone?
Happy you found us and shared your thoughts/concerns.
My first thought for you, and keep in mind that Al-Anon is about you only, that you need to find a healthy
serenity for you and your children. Al-Anon can help you find that healthy mind/body serenity.
Locating a local face to face meeting group would be a great way for you to tap into the support you
need and MIP is always here for you as well.
Please keep coming back!!
And those are the ones I attract now and it feels real good because I changed my self and therefore I changed my situations with people
Alcoholism is progressive. It is also cunning, baffling and powerful. A spiritual disease affecting mind and body as well. It is not merely the affliction of the homeless street person or the destitute though certainly it can go that way. In both sides of the programme we are taught to look only at ourselves, asking what is my role in this? We call it a family disease because it affects all it touches. The drinker, the partner, the kids. For me, I can relate to being all three. But I didn't reach that realisation simultaneously. I have shared in the other room AA) that I was a member of alanon and found myself relating very much to the drinkers and then I went oh sh"#. From that point on its been a process of editing and re editing my life. Figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how I want to show up in my life. It takes work and time to unravel the effects and impacts of addiction. It starts with awareness.
My suggestion to you would be to look up some of the 12 step literature. A merry go round called denial, is available online. There is the alanon website.
In the meantime, glad you're here and keep coming back.
Thank you so much for coming in to this group. We are always really eager to have new members. I am so glad to meet you
In al anon we talk a lot about expectations. When I first got here of course I balked at the idea that there was something off with my expectations
I think for many of is when our significant others get sober our expectations are that is the end of our problems. In fact it is the beginning of new issues. Having challenging problems is a life long issue. There are good problems and bad problems. Right now I have pretty much good problems. I feel on top of them
Most of my life I have been overwhelmed dealing with issue. That is in particular to significant relationships
Relationships are indeed difficult. For some of us relationships are hugely triggering. I have not always been adept at managing triggers
One of my dear friends spends a lot of time with his grand children and daughter. Nothing wrong with that per se. However he has many many urgent issues in his life that are approaching emergencies. At some point codependent behavior stops working.
I most definitely like him used relationships as a distraction. I had no idea how to approach and manage my issues so I dived in deep to relationships. Then those relationships reflected kn my self worth
It is indeed challenging to be in a relationship in early recovery.
The challenge of being with someone who shows their vulnerabilities is particularly raw. The challenge of countering a newly sober person is a big one. Having assistance esoecially of a program is so key that
For many of us codependency has many flavors. I am certainly codependent in many different ways. I have to be on top of all of them
In fact for me all the you discuss group events, family occasions,holidays are all triggering. The triggering was even more difficult in a relationship
Indeed friendships are indeed difficult. In recently lost a friendship through the malicious vicious actions of another person. I feel in should have acted sooner to mitigate those actions but I was not the only party involved. These are hard times. Investing in a relationship only to see another person maliciously attack others is very very challenging
Now those actions have caused great harm to certain people and meanwhile no one is supposed to discuss this issue ever again. We are indeed truly dysfunctional people dealing with a dysfunctional world. Viewing it as who is dysfunctional is one thing but we all are dysfunctional in so many ways.
All of us are indeed incredibly vulnerable. I have had to question how safe certain venues are once I.see people bullied and terrorized. After all tolerating abuse and intentional distress is a sign poor boundaries. Boundaries are a critical need to me. I have to be in an environment where bullying is not permitted. Displays of dominance and control are also critical. When only one person is speaking all the time there is something wrong with the balance . Why do they need to be speaking every second of the day?;
Glad you could make it here to join our discussion
Welcome
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 19th of July 2021 02:52:08 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 19th of July 2021 02:53:22 AM
Qwerty just a thought: it sounds like depression. He could be a good provider and parent and yet still be deeply depressed. Wishing you the best, hope you find ways to make your OWN life more exciting. Hugs.