I was just reading some CAL (al-anon Conference Approved Literature) this after noon and read about something I had not read about before. The 4 M's. They are Managing, Manipulating, Martyrdom and Mothering. From what I read, these four characteristics can go either way for us al-anoners. I thought this was interesting and could be a tool for me (maybe for you, too). I think I could take some time to consider how I do these things in good ways and in not so good ways and where the line might be for me for each one.
To summarize the reading we may have acquired these unhealthy aspects but we can turn them around or use them to our benefit:
Managing: my life or the A's life?
Manipulating: perhaps an art form (like knitting or something) or sport or gardening or form of exercise instead of my A?
Mothering: nurture others but leave the mothering of my A to their own mothers (or if they are dead, still not my job!)?
Martydom: Is there anything good about this ever?! What benefit could this ever hold for me?
I can see that there are some things for me to think about here. Just thought it might be interesting to some of you, too. Hugs, J.
Tenderheartsks said
Feb 8, 2008
Thanks! I had never heard specifically of the 4 M's, but I am certainly taking notes on what you have shared.
I have no doubt I can put it to good use in my life!
round3 said
Feb 8, 2008
Thanks Jean - I had never heard of the 4 M's. But wow - do I know how to do them!!!! And I could give you a thousand "reasons" why each of them had been necessary at some point with my A. HA!!
Thanks for an eye-opener. Someone writing CAL literature sure must have peeked in my playbook!
~R3
kissers said
Feb 9, 2008
They are really gross, aren't they? Yuck! There are people I have noticed that expect me to "mother" them and because I don't do this behavior anymore--they become very resentful and angry. Or, there are those people who think "mothering" someone else is a healthy behavior and see me as being a b**** when I don't do this. The most difficult part of this process of getting rid of the "mothering" is not so much giving it up, but the reactions of those who expect or are used to it.
turtle said
Feb 9, 2008
Ouch, all that hit close to home... that's me to the letter "M!" Where to start. I guess by not mothering... that might be best. And I do wallow in my martyrdom.
maresie said
Feb 9, 2008
I can relate very much. So many of those behaviors were ways I met my dependency needs. I think that was one way I learned to be valued. Valuing myself these days is such an uphill never ending task and I find it really hard going.
maresie.
cookie1971 said
Feb 10, 2008
I too had never heard of the 4 M's. But I have certainly done them during 34 years I have been married to my AH.
Thanks for this. I can really relate. Definitely one for the printer!!
Claudia
bclarkncarolina said
Aug 18, 2009
Just did a meeting using the 4M's as topic. My head is still spinning...great sharing. For me, using this as a "quick 4th step" around a situation that has come up will be a new tool to use. ASKING myself...am I mothering, am I managing, am I manipulating and am I being a martyr? good quick check. bc
msleslielou said
Oct 18, 2014
Where in the literature are the 4 M's?
Temple said
Oct 18, 2014
Welcome, Msleslielou,
I hope Breaking Free responds. I think she mentioned these in a big post she did a little while back, along with a lot of other tools, slogans, helps, so she probably knows.
Temple
I got excited when I saw the Avatars of people who used to post back in the day. You've been doing some reading!
Luiza said
Oct 18, 2014
Yes, I can see the 4Ms in my life...thanks HP I have Al-Anon to turn it around!
BlueCloud said
Oct 18, 2014
The four Ms definitely comes from CAL approved literature. I believe it is a reading in Courage to Change. If not there, then one of the other daily readers. BlueCloud
Fairlee said
Oct 18, 2014
Ahhh this is very good! Thank you for sharing :)
slowndown said
Oct 31, 2014
The 4 Ms are in Paths to Recovery, page 40; Hope for Today, page 313 has a little testimonial as well.
free4today said
Apr 19, 2017
Gets tricky for me because my A is my son who moved out recently and asks for help from time to time...hmmmm?
Any suggestions or readings for help?
Jerry F said
Apr 20, 2017
Aloha Free...I relate because of similar experiences only my son left after I divorced him and his alcoholic/addict step mother. I gave him full responsibility over his life and while he was free to come visit and whine about negative consequences related to his drinking and using he was also free to leave when I told him to and go about his life. He got clean and sober eventually and then like most alcoholics and addicts without a program relapsed and continued the devastation which took down everything he touches. He is still "out there" even while talking about changes he is going to make and then...If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Have you been in program for a while? Do you still follow the guidelines? The guidelines among other things taught me to allow him the consequences of his own choices along with the pains that come with it and in spite of emergency situations, he and his pride and ego will feel the trauma of the disease. He is changing one day at a time which is how we all change. He is in his fifties now and also in my seventies and the only expectations I have come from my Higher Power's work and will in my life and the lives of those around me who are also in recovery.
Keep coming back...you are family and this family is awesome. (((((hugs)))))
Tamidar said
Aug 6, 2017
There is one page in Hope for Today on p. 313 on The Four M's
-- Edited by Tamidar on Sunday 6th of August 2017 02:12:23 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 6th of August 2017 04:29:00 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 6, 2017
Welcome to MIP Tamidar - glad you found us and joined right in! Keep coming back and enjoy the MIP family!!
mamalioness said
Aug 7, 2017
WOW!!! Love the list of 4 M's....heard of it but forgot the words....EXCELLENT share, Thank you....
I have no doubt I can put it to good use in my life!
They are really gross, aren't they? Yuck! There are people I have noticed that expect me to "mother" them and because I don't do this behavior anymore--they become very resentful and angry. Or, there are those people who think "mothering" someone else is a healthy behavior and see me as being a b**** when I don't do this. The most difficult part of this process of getting rid of the "mothering" is not so much giving it up, but the reactions of those who expect or are used to it.
maresie.
Where in the literature are the 4 M's?
I hope Breaking Free responds. I think she mentioned these in a big post she did a little while back, along with a lot of other tools, slogans, helps, so she probably knows.
Temple
I got excited when I saw the Avatars of people who used to post back in the day. You've been doing some reading!
The four Ms definitely comes from CAL approved literature. I believe it is a reading in Courage to Change. If not there, then one of the other daily readers. BlueCloud
Any suggestions or readings for help?
Aloha Free...I relate because of similar experiences only my son left after I divorced him and his alcoholic/addict step mother. I gave him full responsibility over his life and while he was free to come visit and whine about negative consequences related to his drinking and using he was also free to leave when I told him to and go about his life. He got clean and sober eventually and then like most alcoholics and addicts without a program relapsed and continued the devastation which took down everything he touches. He is still "out there" even while talking about changes he is going to make and then...If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Have you been in program for a while? Do you still follow the guidelines? The guidelines among other things taught me to allow him the consequences of his own choices along with the pains that come with it and in spite of emergency situations, he and his pride and ego will feel the trauma of the disease. He is changing one day at a time which is how we all change. He is in his fifties now and also in my seventies and the only expectations I have come from my Higher Power's work and will in my life and the lives of those around me who are also in recovery.
Keep coming back...you are family and this family is awesome. (((((hugs)))))
There is one page in Hope for Today on p. 313 on The Four M's
-- Edited by Tamidar on Sunday 6th of August 2017 02:12:23 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 6th of August 2017 04:29:00 PM
WOW!!! Love the list of 4 M's....heard of it but forgot the words....EXCELLENT share, Thank you....