Yesterday was Easter a day of Celebration for Christians however, I cried so much yesterday that today my eyes will barely open.  You see, my husband walked out after 21 years together.  He says he doesnt want to fight any more. Yet we werent fighting.   He says that he is working on staying sober and I am a trigger to his drinking. He said he will never forgive me for leaving him after his Mother died nearly 3 years ago. I am heartbroken.. He is going to AA and ADAP which are all court ordered.  He is not drinking as much however, is drinking and to make matters worse.. The Dr. perscribed me zanax for anxiety and he has taken them.  I had only taken 15 of 30 and now they are all gone. He is on final notice with his job, is most probably being charged with assult on a minor while in a fight at his sisters and now he is throwing away a family that loves him... For what ?????????? 

I am broken hearted just crushed... He said he cant look at me without getting angry.. I guess I am the fall guy, the one to blame for everything.. I know that it isnt my fault however, that doesnt make it any easier. 
I am not sure if he has cheated but this has to be coming from somewhere. 

I am so angry at myself, why am I crying over a man who lies about everything, calls me names, has no relationship with either of his children, stays in the bed or outside when home, and unless I ask for it directly he gives me NO affection.. So why, am i so upset ????  This has been coming for so long yet over and over again I cry and cry then cry some more..

Yesterday, I was in our chat room and I would like to again THANK everyone who took the time to talk with me.  It helped.. !!

Thanks for allowing me to share

T

I am so sorry you're going through all this. I know how much it hurts and how confusing it can be. I am going through a breakup with a man I had been dating for about a year. He was really heavily into drinking and drugs. He didnt show affection often, but when he did it was only when he wanted to. The hugs stopped, the holding hands stopped, their was no intimacy. He blamed all this on the medications he was taking for his bi-polar disorder. I think its BS. Stay strong. You need to for your kids. Your husband has chosen which path he wants to walk down. Tears are ok, they are our way of healing

(((((Tammy))))) It is amazing what this disease can do to a persons soul. I often get the accusations that I somehow am in control of my AW's drinking, and you are right... sometimes knowing it isn't true just isn't enough. What does help me is to know that she is sick, and her thinking is distorted. It has become very obvious over the past 18 months. She worked herself into a lather last night, accusing me of ruining our weekend, blaming me for her situation, but what she thought she was doing was asking me to spend the night with her. So when she decides to leave since I had stopped participating in this nonsense, she says "... so are you coming over or not?" I was just flabbergasted. Some days she shows it more than others.... but she is so very sick. I have heard it said many times that the guilt and blame that they are pushing off on thier loved ones are thiers and they just can't take it (or won't). If there is a bright side... if he stikes out on his own, he will have only himself and his HP to work this out. Could be a blessing. HP has plans we just don't see or understand. Take care of you!

(((Tammy)))

I am so glad you are posting... you are doing the right thing by reaching out for help at this time.  Remember that this may be the best thing that has happened to bring him to a place where only he and his disease can go. 

I remember thinking when my A was active that I just wanted him to live and to be happy and healthy, whether I was with him or not.  It was getting to that point, where I just wanted him to stop drinking for his kids and his health and for his life.  It didn't matter any more whether we had a relationship, it was a matter of life and death, and I wanted him alive. 

I know your heart is breaking, but the busier you are the better right now.  Take care of yourself, try to take deep breaths and pray, pray, pray.  Pray for him to find his way, for him to be healthy and happy.  It does help to do that.  It isn't personal, he is unhappy with himself. 

Maybe this is a good time for you both to work on yourselves.  Time will heal your pain, cliche as it may sound.

I am praying for you, my friend, and sending hope to you today...

Love, HeidiXXX

((Tammy)) Sending out prayers of comfort for you during this painful time. Please remember that just because he says it doesn't make it true!!!!! Please be good to you - Try to do something nice for you, even if it is a small little means of comfort like a hot cup of tea or cocoa. One Day at a Time, Rita

Wondering if this is an older post gifted to the top of the message board today... soothes my raw edges having had a recent brush with this dynamic of projection, blaming, and a loss of intimacy. Reading these shares is a good reminder of what is and is not on my side of the street ... and it comes down to focus on my self-care and leaning into the program and my HP.

Choriste - sent you a PM