Life with an alcoholic addict can be gruelling. There are times when they can be quite compelling and it can even appear to be quite rewarding The separation issue is also part of the process because if course there us always a crisis. . After I left the now ex A I stepped in and helped him out again because if course he was un desperate need. Eventually one of his Uncles stepped in. That Uncle had his own family (with severe issues) and severe health problems. The now ex A had no.problem imposing on him even more and it certainly was a burden. Stepping back from the ex A's problems was very difficult for me. The financial drain was enormous. Setting limits felt impossible because it felt so critical. One thing became clear to me the now ex A felt real entitlement. He imposed on everyone around him with impunity On the other hand I felt entitled to nothing Getting to the point where I felt the need to focus on me was all uphill I had a lot of help.from al.anon. I went to therapy too. I leaned very very heavily on certain people and was at times really desperate. All those opportunities are open to you Being with an alcoholic/addict is all.consuming. Attending to ourselves can be very difficult when there are constant crises Eventually I.set limits on being as #available# For me it was a very draining experience to be with an addict alcoholic. My depression became much worse. It was a great struggle to break away. Whatever I gave to the now ex A was minimized. I was heroic in my giving. Heroic would actually be ab understatement. The now Ex A had many good qualities and ar times he could be engaging. At other times he could be one of the most selfish persons I have ever dealt with Selfishness is a trait some alcoholics have. He had them in abundance. On the other hand I didnt have the ability to diminish the disasters he caused routinely until I cane to al anon and learned tools. Then I had to be willing to use them. Willingness was very difficult to obtain. Your whole life is on the line here, your home, your career, your peace of mind You deserve to have some time to focus on your own issues rather than being consumed by hers. Why not put some time and energy into your own needs? Maresie

Maresie, Our experiences our very similar. Thank you for sharing. With two weeks of separation I am starting to see how selfish she has been.

I could certainly complain about the selfishness of the now ex A. I did not set limits on it until I went to al anon The now exA continues to impose.on others. One of his traits was that he never became an independent adult. I had many many #dependent# features too immaturity being one.of them I work pretty hard on being mature these days. I dont know that I had.a. idea what that was before al.anon . I ssw.people.in.al.anon.who had them and I wanted to be.like them One of the features that is so great about al anon is we focus 9n ourselves. My life these days is challenging is is not engulfed in chaos. I certainly have.my share of alcoholics around. One of my current supervisors being one of them and.she is.most definitely having a flare up. In the past I woukr have felt helpless around those issues. Now with the help of al.anon.and therapy I have tools to deal with those.issues. My experience of dealing with the alcoholic addict before.al.anon was to be totally engulfed in his issues. He had plenty of them. There was never room for my issues. My mother died when I was with him. I had life threatening health issues twice. There was.no room for that.because his issues were all that mattered to him. . I staggered from one crisis to the next. Then when I started applying al.anon tools I started navigating the impossible. We had plenty of separations. We had.numerous reconciliations. Then I started making decisions that were based on my self interest rather than saving him. In al anon I was.accepted wherever I was. Please.consider giving some time and energy to learning some tools to get you through whatever is.next in your life. They are really enormously useful. They require practice and commitment But whatever happens they will most certainly help. That means immersing yourself in.al.anon and looking at those issues deeply Maresie

It was important for me to see not only the insanity the alcoholic/addict brought into our lives, but it also became important for me to see why I was behaving the way I was, drawn to addicts/alcoholics, etc. A big lesson I learned was that the common denominator in every relationship I've ever had was ME.

This is why it was and is important for me to attend meetings, get myself a sponsor and work the steps - so I can get healthier, stop making the same choices in relationships again and again - or at the very least adjust how I showed up in my relationship with the alcoholic so I could start living a healthier, happier life.

I hope you're finding yourself some meetings, Chicago. Alcoholism/addiction doesn't get better and stay better all of a sudden once the A sees the light. I've found it's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. They're good one day, maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a year, and then something can shift and it can be back to square one. Getting myself centered so I can be okay no matter what's going on was so important for my serenity.

Keep taking good care of yourself.

Strange part about all of this is that I have always been a social drinker. Today sitting at a bar at 3 in the afternoon I realized I have been drinking 10-20 beers every single day for the last 16 days.

The way we deal with an alcoholic is not necessarily healthy. That is why al anon tools are so essential. My ex husband was an alcoholic. Many of the issues I have been dealing with in a supervisor are similar. The difference today is I have al anon tools to use. I have choices real choices.

Here is an update. While cocaine had been used a few times it turns out it was an alcohol problem. I moved back into the house and she went to a hotel, said she needed more time to sort things out in her head. Then Sunday morning at 1AM while she was driving back to the hotel she hit a curb, blew her tire out and got a DUI. I was of course who she called to come bail her out. She came back to the house with me and has been here ever since. She told me everything that was going on and that she wants to work things out with me. But she still seems distant. No affection being reciprocated. But she seems vulnerable. She got a bit crabby with me this morning and instead of arguing I just went upstairs and laid in bed. She Baden it a point to come upstairs and apologize to me and tell me how much she loves me. Something just feels off.

Hi Chicago

Are you getting to meetings?

Alcoholism and addiction are progressive diseases. Unless your wife is actively seeking recovery, then you can be guaranteed more of the same ol' same ol' behavior from her. Even if she does get into recovery, it's a long road and it'll be bumpy for both of you.

Both the addict and us tend to live in denial because we just want things the way we want them without having to change ourselves. We want the person we fell in love with. We want the fantasy friendship and marriage. We want our families and friends to be happy for us, not worried for us, and so on.

She has a substance abuse problem. Period. Doesn't matter how frequently she's telling you she's using cocaine or drinking alcohol, she has a problem. Pay attention to her actions. Words are empty when none of a person's actions follow suit.

What's more important is that YOU have a problem with her substance abuse. That means you need help, and if you want to experience some peace in your life, you need to be actively seeking recovery for yourself, regardless of what your wife is or is not doing.

If you think Al-Anon is for you, then start attending meetings regularly. Not just every now and then like once a month. I was told three or more meetings a week if I wanted to experience growth. Find yourself a sponsor, start working the steps. You will find help.

Keep coming back.

Chicago, I'm sorry you are going through this. Many here have had similar experiences. It sounds like you set a good boundary by not arguing with crabby behavior and stepping away from it. Others may have suggestions about bailing people out.

What I can share is that, as I learned more about the disease of alcoholism, I came to understand that my husband's brain was not working correctly, as a result of years of drinking. His brain certainly wasn't working the same way mine was, resulting in behaviors that seemed "off." It was unreasonable for me to expect reasonable behavior. I also realized that he could not fix my feelings -- my fears and worries, my need for safety, my need for stable companionship. We say it's like going to the hardware store for bread. The hardware store does not have bread, no matter how much I want bread and how many times I ask them for it. I had to take responsibility for my feelings and find other ways to fix them. Individual therapy and Al-Anon were the most helpful.

In the moment, I used slogans to calm myself until I could make plans for my own well-being. My favorites when I was going through this were "One Day At A Time" and "DETACH = Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her."

I have been to a few meetings. They are helpful but when it comes to my wife she knows exactly how to manipulate me. I love her more than anything and kelp on believing I can help her. She got her DUI Sunday morning, damaged the $80,000 car I bought her a few months ago and on Monday morning I went and opened up a separate account with $20,000 to fund all the cost that will be associated with this DUI. I feel like I am making it so that she really does not have to deal with any of the consequences of her actions and instead I am the one stuck with it all.

I dealt with lots of court drama with the now ex A. The tickets alone cost me a fortune. That was money I did not have I never recouped thar money I also bought the now ex A a car. He decimated the car. Then used the insurance to buy himself something and money to live on . The now ex A was never really that concerned with how I was going to manage Pouring help in them seems to be a way to get through it. Sometimes you gave to sit by and let them handle it. I would have a hard time with the ex A suffering. I didn't have a sense of limits about my own suffering. Overtime I stopped bailing the ex A out. I started not answering the phone. None of this is easy. Of course certain people are master manipulators. That is how they survived. They survive so much. The exA has survived numerous terrible illnesses. His mother moved 3 states away If you think we are good at juggling some alcoholics are masters at it. Absolute masters!!! Bottom line is I always put myself last and I saw so.ething noble about that. Now I am first but it is a King hard trek to make it work. You deserve peace and happiness. Be assured your peace and happiness does not depend on whether your wife is functioning

You are enabling. Sorry to be the messenger of bad news. It is not criticism, just an observation. In addition, you are focusing on her. For you, it is all about her, what she's doing, where she's going, analyzing, trying to figure out, etc. I get it. You are focused on making the relationship and the marriage OK -- and you have two people who individually are not OK. Hence, your disconnect.

Keep going to meetings. Get a sponsor. Get rid of the perspective that says "the meetings are helpful BUT my wife" -- that's part of your problem. It's not about her. It's about you.

Being a beginner/newcomer that is a hard concept to grasp. It's a very different mindset and perspective. There are steps you can take, tools you can use...but as a newcomer/beginner, many of them will seem counterintuitive, illogical, difficult to comprehend and even harder to implement. Go to meetings! Keep going. Get a sponsor and start working with him!

All the best.

There is a way alcoholics behave when you rescue them that is known as Rescue/Shun You step in when they come to you in an emergency, go overboard, then they set uo.a distance. It is almost like they shun you. Instead of being able to.put a perspective on it that behavior is #triggering# for some of us. That behavior for ne set off deep insecurity. Unfortunately that is what you describe as #feeling off# Getting to stability in thus roller coaster is hard Obviously you have resources Therapy is very helpful Sometimes even couples therapy us helpful. Meetings are helpful. Immersing yourself in what #tr8ggers# you us helpful. Focusing on you i.u s helpful. Being aware is helpful. There is no knowing how much of the manipulation is deliberate. For many alcoholics the thought of living without drinking is impossible. The manipulation is how they survive Surviving is not living a good life. Although many alcoholics are really good at making it l8ok.good. That is really really good. The definition of the alcoholic. Is they dont stop even when there are consequences A DUI is a big consequence At one point I got to with the ex A he did not have a vehicle. He did not have much money either. He survived that They are really resourceful. He was well aware where his #binges# took him. Right now your feeling #off# is indicating you have work to do. The work isnt in making it better for your wife. That is her side of the street. Responsibility is part of being an adult. The work is in making your life bearable not out of control. Al anon is one of the options. Al anon requires an investment in time and energy So does therapy. I know I invested in my relationship. No matter what I did the now ex A got worse. That was very hard to come to.tetms with. I hate to say this but many years later he (the ex a) is still #worse# His life is still the same roller coaster. Nothing changed much with or without me. #love# did.not make it better. I was not central to any recovery. On his part. Despite all his problems (many life threatening problems( he decided not to recover. Some people do recover. Some people get into treatment. Their life improves. Some people do not. There is no guarantee. In.al anon we learn how not to be consumed with what #they# do or dont do. That is a big undertaking Staying with what you are doing is also a big undertaking. Going to al anon.was good for me. Life changing It didnt make any difference whatsoever to the now ex A. He went off and kept up the same behavior he always has. I decided to give myself a chance. What about you? Maresie

Again maresie, all of what you said rings very true to me. It sounds exactly like what I am dealing with and going through right now. I wish I had the strength to just cut the cord and run but I love her more than anything in this planet and can not imagine life without her. I feel like she knows this and takes advantage of me because of it.

Al anon.doesnt require people to.cut the cord. Al.anon just had suggestions and tools for whatever you decide to.do. Being aware is part of it. I certainly did not want to leave the now ex A. No one required me yo.do.that The issue is too that when I.left the now ex A my troubles did not evaporate I had to be willing to do some work on.myself The leaving or staying when you go to al anon isnt the point. The ideas are to start looking at the tools. I have other alcoholics un ny life. I.need tools to manage dealing with them. . I am unlikely to get a life when I dont have to deal with an alcoholic The more I #detach# the better I use the tools the more manageable my life is. Therapy certainly helped me too but the accessibility of al anon really helped me. Helo is possible, stay or go, help is still there if you are open to.it. Maresie

ChicagoPilot - I am sorry that you are where you are - been there and done that. Only through Al-Anon recovery did I really begin to understand the disease of alcoholism/addiction and learn to be me, independent from my AH (Alc. Husband) and my AS(s) (Addicted Sons). It has not been easy at all but in looking back, it's been absolutely necessary for my own mental health/sanity.

There is no shame ever in loving someone with this disease. For me, my definition of love was distorted as well as my definition of many other things. Part of this was from the disease and part from life experiences and family of origin (FOO). It is hard to accept and surrender to this disease, but no human power has ever restored another to sanity. The disease will always, always, always pull at those affected, directly and indirectly.

Al-Anon gave me the tools I needed to detach from the disease and the diseased and stop making my life, joy, happiness, sanity contingent upon the actions, attitudes and mood of others. Someone in my family has been in relapse for some part of the last 15 years and without recovery, I have no doubt I would be much more insane than I am....I also began to have physical issues so the perpetual stress, worry and anxiety were taking a toll too.

Every human deserves a life that is happy, joyous and free. Every human must make that choice for themselves; nobody can deliver it for another. It's painful and super sad to watch one I love slip back into active disease, yet I know deep down I can't change it, control it, cure it - I truly can only hope for the best and allow the God of my understanding to guide me one day at a time. I have not (yet) found the need to cut anyone I love out of my life because of this disease. I do have a plan if that needs to happen, thanks to Al-Anon.

I do value all the tools Al-Anon has given me. I really value the support, steps, sponsor, etc. I have gained from others who truly understand. I truly am beyond words grateful for the gift of desperation that sent me to Al-Anon and hope you too find what you need. Keep coming back - you are not alone.

So crazy. Everything seems fine now. Things are back to normal and we just seemed to have moved past it. She is not using, she is not drinking, and she acts like everything is fine. I dont really know what to make of it. We booked a three week trip to Maui over Christmas, I am just so confused.

I am glad you have a break. I had a deeply disappointing holiday with the now ex A at Christmas. I hope you will set aside time for yourself in this long vacation. I think it cannot be stressed enough around an active alcoholic: low expectations I paid for a holiday for the now ex A he disappointed me terribly. I was devastated Needless to say I had no recovery at that time. During our holiday the now ex A did not use. Then he wanted to leave early to go guess what: use. I took it extremely personally. I had totally unreal expectations. I have been guilty of that for decades having un real expectations around alcoholics I know that you are someone with means: therapy is tremendously helpful. Certain therapists will even see you via conference call. Al anon is also available in many formats. There are lots of ways to participate in recovery In addition there is a wealth if recovery literature. Bibliotherapy is an incredible resource All of us are confused and bewildered by this disease. Nevertheless for me and for others there is a way through it. Holidays were a terrible time of year for me in the past. They loomed like a Damocles sword in pretty much every relationship I had Now times are different they are no longer the most dreaded tine of the year for me. I made them different. I stopped waiting for others to make the holiday right for me. I had to make them right for me Maresie