Big big big hugs ... few things I took away from your last post. Biggest one is not to be the bearer of reality .. many of us older some younger have been through a myriad of life experience. Including sexual physical emotional and mental abuse so you don't corner the market on pain. My pain is no greater or less than someone else's. It is mine and i process better when I decide if I'm a victim or volunteer. My sponsor passed a few years ago she was at least 20 years older than me and what I call a black belt alanon .. although she'd shush me if she heard me say it. Lol. I find people get the sponsors they need at the time. The esh my sponsor shared with me was she had a mute remote because if you weren't in a marriage and "winning" she didn't want to hear you. You were muted. When her growth began was when she opened her ears shut her mouth and put her mute remote away. She started to hear what she needed to hear. Second off I just want to be clear .. my xah's drinking was not about me .. his cheating was not about me. These were his issues. I only own my part in my behavior in our relationship. So I believe my xah loved me to the best of his ability .. he just sucked at it. How close can someone get if they are in an altered state of mind. My ex obsessed over alcohol and women (feel goods) .. I obsessed over him. I sang the hims .. him did this .. him did that. Meetings sponsorship and working the steps .. nothing changes if nothing changes. It has to start with me. Hugs again :)
WendyP said
Jun 12, 2019
Hi Ellabella,
On reading where you with are what is happening in your life, with your Alcoholic, I can feel your pain, and wish that there was something to say to you to tell, to suggest, that would ease your Pain, but I know I can't. What I can say to you, is that no one can change it, but together, we can hold your hand, while you go through it. Trust me, you will come out the other side, a better stronger, healthier person. That is what the Alanon Programme promises us. I hate this disease, I see what it does to wonderful people, on both sides of the equation. The Alcoholic, and their Partners. When people say to Detach, you try to do it for yourself, not for others. Easy, oh No. You will still feel like hell, but the more you try to do it, the better you get at it.Try to remember, you are exactly where are meant to be. Your HP has you in HIs/Her hands, He isn't going to let Go of you.
Reading your sharings, brings back lots of memories to me. Of My Journey with my 2nd Alcoholic. I had heard that he was taking his 1st wife away, whenever I thought about it, I felt physically sick, an Alanon friend told me that to try to Detach from it all, Every time, I thought about what was happening, knowing that my body was in one place, my mind was with them, imagining what could be going on, to ask myself, "Where do you want to be, do you want your mind and body to be in one place, or 2". I did that all over the weekend, by Monday, I was a emotional/Physical wreck. I was so tired, but it worked, and that was the start of becoming better at it. Like you, I was doing the best that I could do at that time.All through that time, it was an emotional roller coaster. I tried so hard not to let him control, have power over me, but did I get angry, oh yes,. I can remember, I use to go to Church, Sunday Night, he would be there when I came home, he wasn't living with me at the time. The first thing he would say to me, was"I'm not sleeping with her".
Having an Irish Grand Father, I had his Temper, and did I blast him. Afterwards, when I started to settle down, I would look at it, and then realize that he got exactly what he wanted. I wouldn't feel especially good about myself, coming from Church, and becoming a screaming memey. I would tell myself afterwards, that next time, I would work on myself and not react. I had started to understand, the Disease of Alcoholism, things started to fall in place, could understand his behaviour. Detachment became easier for me'.Try to be Kind to yourself, you really are doing the very best that you can do with what you are dealing with. The Disease is very cunning, powerful,and Insidious.This helps me when I am going through heavy Waters. Has anyone suggested, {When you feel up to it} to go to some AA Meetings, or talk to some in AA. It helps to understand more of the Disease.
We all go through periods, of sadness, lethargy, and grief.... that's part of life. Alanon cannot solve every problem.
"There are time when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens, the choice is not to whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting,"......In All Our Affairs.
Having you In my Prayers, Thoughts
Send a big Hug.
Wendy P.
Elabella said
Jun 13, 2019
Thank you again everyone for bringing me back to sanity. I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I think it's my ego that's taking a huge hit. It bothers me that our marriage vows mean absolutely nothing to him He swears up and down that he was only googling her to see what she's up to- but honestly- why does he even care what she is up to? That whole incident with her last year ( that was ongoing for almost a year) literally almost killed me. I actually felt my heart breaking when I read that poem. I've been left soooooo jaded. I can't trust him and so basically I'm at the point of saying, if I can't just him then what kind of life am I setting myself up for? Whatever is left of it anyways. How can I ever be happy and at peace if I can't trust him? He's doing nothing to address the alcoholism. All he's doing is popping his Naltrexone every morning and then chases it with a beer??? When he checked himself in to the psychiatric hospital last year to detox, the doctors clearly told him <" YOU HAVE ALCOHOL ABUSE DISORDER AND STARTS OF DEMENTIA FROM DRINKING". I don't understand how that didn't scare the bejesus out of him?? He detoxed for 24 hours medically supervised, went to fill out his prescription for the Naltrexone, and went back to his usual daily drinking from morning til night day in day out. It's considerably less than he was drinking, but nonetheless he is still drinking 24/7. I don't understand it. And now this young girl he's infatuated with- it's ridiculous. She's old. enough to be our daughter. He thought she would bring him fame/notoriety- she's a struggling musician. I think he in his alcoholic, confused mind thought that he would be her manager and music video director and they would both become famous.He's a filmmaker and is waiting for his one big chance to do something. He is a very established and well respected film technician as it is, but I guess he wanted bigger and more opportunities. He filmed footage for her that never ended up being used because she switched bands. She's changed bands like 4 times already. So, last year I encouraged him to finish the project since it is something to use on his resume. My only stipulation was that all meetings be conducted in our house with me present. He agreed and even gave me the position of producer on the project. Well, suddenly I started to see text exchanges and phone calls. Her sending cutesy pictures of herself in the recording studio. She asked him to film another video ( never got paid and spent money out of his pocket on equipment rental ) and I flat out said NO. Unless she wants to pay, then fine. Obviously she didn't offer money. She offered to make a song for his short film in exchange. I totally put a stop to it. Maybe it wasn't my place, but I felt the situation was starting to get out of hand and I didn't like the way he was behaving so secretly. I felt that she was taking advantage of the fact that he's an alcoholic and obviously infatuated with her. I finally put a complete stop to it when I discovered a text from her asking him how his meeting had gone with his film union. It was none of her business and it was regarding a personal matter. I got in touch with her and completely had it out. I told her if she was so bloody curious about something that is concerning my family- then she should be asking me as well. She did not like this one bit and turned around and said she wanted nothing to do with him or myself. Absolutely she. would never work for or with us on anything. How she was offended (??) by my insinuations. And that was how it ended. He never spoke with her again. And two weeks later I had my heart attack. Now that I'm looking at it- I think I was the one acting out of control and out of my mind??? Maybe it was completely innocent and I caused this whole thing to blow up? I'm so confused. There are so many inappropriate things he did and said, but maybe- just maybe it was me??
Aloha said
Jun 14, 2019
I know the infidelity on top of the alcoholism is difficult to let go. I've been there. And what helped me were frequent meetings, reading the literature, and lots of discussions with my sponsor. I started to get some peace back in my life when I started to put the focus back on me and asking myself why I behaved the way I did and what I could do to change me so that I respected myself more and no longer allowed other people's behaviors to throw me into a tailspin.
All these questions and thoughts you have would be great to share with a sponsor. I hope you find one. You really deserve the help.
Elabella said
Jun 15, 2019
Thank you all again. Aloha- I know I definitely need a sponsor ASAP. I just havent quite figured out who in the meeting I attend would be good for me. It seems like such an intimate and personal relationship- its not something Im ready to just jump into with anyone. For one, I think Im a huge pain in the butt because of how I hang on to things and ruminate on them. Im afraid whoever I pick will just get so fed up and annoyed with me- and frankly I cant really handle anymore rejection in my life. This would be way too much for me and Id probably crack. Im already on the verge as it is dealing with everything in my life thats happening and how Im so ineffective at dealing with it all. I just dont know how to cope anymore.
Thanks again for all your esh.......
Bo said
Jun 15, 2019
Elabella...the more you try and analyze and understand what and why he's doing what he's doing, the more you will drive yourself crazy and live in denial...denial from the real issue.
That said...take away all the background noise...and you have one fact...your husband is cheating on you. Period.
Analyze, explain, rationalize, whatever you want...BUT...there is also one very important thing that we learn in alanon, and that is...WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
I wish you all the best.
wp said
Jun 15, 2019
I just want to add that when your A blabbered on the phone while drunk, I would bet a lot that he will never remember it. We learn not to engage at all when they are drunk and belligerent. He will likely deny that he ever said those awful things. I've been there more than once ! Love and support , wp
JerryF said
Jun 16, 2019
((((Ela)))) for me Letting Go and Letting God as a constant practice works very well. I am turning myself over to a power who loves me without condition and forgives my failings just because they can be forgiven. Making Let Go and Let God a practice makes life simple and quiet...I don't fight well and hate also the negative and insane consequences. ((((hugs))))
Aloha said
Jun 17, 2019
Elabella wrote:
Thank you all again. Aloha- I know I definitely need a sponsor ASAP. I just havent quite figured out who in the meeting I attend would be good for me. It seems like such an intimate and personal relationship- its not something Im ready to just jump into with anyone. For one, I think Im a huge pain in the butt because of how I hang on to things and ruminate on them. Im afraid whoever I pick will just get so fed up and annoyed with me- and frankly I cant really handle anymore rejection in my life. This would be way too much for me and Id probably crack. Im already on the verge as it is dealing with everything in my life thats happening and how Im so ineffective at dealing with it all. I just dont know how to cope anymore. Thanks again for all your esh.......
Those are common fears we all go through when it comes to finding a sponsor. Another fear I had was that I just didn't want someone to see the ugly truth of ME. But sponsorship ended up being one of the first examples of a trusting intimate relationship with someone else.
Know that when you're ready, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will be able to find a sponsor who also at one point in time felt she was a pain in the butt because she wouldn't let things go and was worried her sponsor would give her the boot and reject her.
mamalioness said
Jun 21, 2019
Hi Ela: i love what Bo wrote to you...You can go into, I heard this from someone, a paralysis of analysis and the bottom line...he is an alcoholic and hes cheating on you...I would pour into step 4, and sort me out with me and ascertain and confirm that there is NADA you can do about HIM< but plenty you can do for/about YOU..Al-anon teaches us how to keep the focus on us and let the other to their own lessons......You either accept what is and hunker down and work on your program, or you CHANGE it.....
I heard a saying on facebook
If I don't like something I can do one of three things:
I can ACCEPT it
I can CHANGE it
OR, if the above do not work for me (and I can only change me)
then I can LEAVE it
I find in life, that there are many things over which I am powerless, I have ZERO control, but I CAN control how I respond...I CAN take care of me...I CAN do what is the next right thing by and for me.....
some alanoners stay with their alcoholic, some leave...I suggest about 6 months of steady, consistent, dedicated, concentrated PROGRAM work, ON YOU, before you make any real big, heavy changes.....
Hi Ellabella,
On reading where you with are what is happening in your life, with your Alcoholic, I can feel your pain, and wish that there was something to say to you to tell, to suggest, that would ease your Pain, but I know I can't. What I can say to you, is that no one can change it, but together, we can hold your hand, while you go through it. Trust me, you will come out the other side, a better stronger, healthier person. That is what the Alanon Programme promises us. I hate this disease, I see what it does to wonderful people, on both sides of the equation. The Alcoholic, and their Partners. When people say to Detach, you try to do it for yourself, not for others. Easy, oh No. You will still feel like hell, but the more you try to do it, the better you get at it.Try to remember, you are exactly where are meant to be. Your HP has you in HIs/Her hands, He isn't going to let Go of you.
Reading your sharings, brings back lots of memories to me. Of My Journey with my 2nd Alcoholic. I had heard that he was taking his 1st wife away, whenever I thought about it, I felt physically sick, an Alanon friend told me that to try to Detach from it all, Every time, I thought about what was happening, knowing that my body was in one place, my mind was with them, imagining what could be going on, to ask myself, "Where do you want to be, do you want your mind and body to be in one place, or 2". I did that all over the weekend, by Monday, I was a emotional/Physical wreck. I was so tired, but it worked, and that was the start of becoming better at it. Like you, I was doing the best that I could do at that time.All through that time, it was an emotional roller coaster. I tried so hard not to let him control, have power over me, but did I get angry, oh yes,. I can remember, I use to go to Church, Sunday Night, he would be there when I came home, he wasn't living with me at the time. The first thing he would say to me, was"I'm not sleeping with her".
Having an Irish Grand Father, I had his Temper, and did I blast him. Afterwards, when I started to settle down, I would look at it, and then realize that he got exactly what he wanted. I wouldn't feel especially good about myself, coming from Church, and becoming a screaming memey. I would tell myself afterwards, that next time, I would work on myself and not react. I had started to understand, the Disease of Alcoholism, things started to fall in place, could understand his behaviour. Detachment became easier for me'.Try to be Kind to yourself, you really are doing the very best that you can do with what you are dealing with. The Disease is very cunning, powerful,and Insidious.This helps me when I am going through heavy Waters. Has anyone suggested, {When you feel up to it} to go to some AA Meetings, or talk to some in AA. It helps to understand more of the Disease.
We all go through periods, of sadness, lethargy, and grief.... that's part of life. Alanon cannot solve every problem.
"There are time when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens, the choice is not to whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting,"......In All Our Affairs.
Having you In my Prayers, Thoughts
Send a big Hug.
Wendy P.
All these questions and thoughts you have would be great to share with a sponsor. I hope you find one. You really deserve the help.
That said...take away all the background noise...and you have one fact...your husband is cheating on you. Period.
Analyze, explain, rationalize, whatever you want...BUT...there is also one very important thing that we learn in alanon, and that is...WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
I wish you all the best.
((((Ela)))) for me Letting Go and Letting God as a constant practice works very well. I am turning myself over to a power who loves me without condition and forgives my failings just because they can be forgiven. Making Let Go and Let God a practice makes life simple and quiet...I don't fight well and hate also the negative and insane consequences. ((((hugs))))
Those are common fears we all go through when it comes to finding a sponsor. Another fear I had was that I just didn't want someone to see the ugly truth of ME. But sponsorship ended up being one of the first examples of a trusting intimate relationship with someone else.
Know that when you're ready, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will be able to find a sponsor who also at one point in time felt she was a pain in the butt because she wouldn't let things go and was worried her sponsor would give her the boot and reject her.
I heard a saying on facebook
If I don't like something I can do one of three things:
I can ACCEPT it
I can CHANGE it
OR, if the above do not work for me (and I can only change me)
then I can LEAVE it
I find in life, that there are many things over which I am powerless, I have ZERO control, but I CAN control how I respond...I CAN take care of me...I CAN do what is the next right thing by and for me.....
some alanoners stay with their alcoholic, some leave...I suggest about 6 months of steady, consistent, dedicated, concentrated PROGRAM work, ON YOU, before you make any real big, heavy changes.....
sending you LOTS of PEACE energy