I have a program friend who just went through a job change. She too had a ton of fear, so much so that she brought up the topic in a meeting. After we all shared our ESH, she came to believe that her largest fear was that she would let others down and/or that she might be discovered as a fraud!
That touched me much as your post did. I can remember that I too had a huge fear of failing each time I changed departments, positions, jobs, etc. I questioned if I was qualified, if I was capable and if I 'deserved it'. Over time, I realized that I could use the steps and the program to get through these moments in life where I get overwhelmed with fear and it affects my joy.
I do believe as others wrote above me that there are no accidents or coincidence - there is a master plan and I'm just one of many cogs in the wheel. Each time today that I feel overwhelmed and/or fearful, I do say a quick prayer - I've been placed here for a reason; show me the way. I also really had to accept that HP is a loving, caring power that really wants me to be happy, joyous and free. These two points are gifts I got from being authentic and working on me and are hugely different than how I viewed HP before recovery.
All we learn in recovery does help me at times like this....ODAT stays close to the top of my tools always as when I come back to the present here and now, I can physically see that I am OK and life is actually pretty darn good. Keep doing you and more will be revealed!
WestMan said
Apr 6, 2018
It makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. Hand in hand with the fear is the guilt that I'm not dripping with joy and gratitude as I should be. I know, logically at least, that this is something to be grateful for. But, no matter how much I know it I still don't feel it. But at least I'm aware that something in my attitude is off-base.
I think back to the Fall when my world got turned upside down and even though I was insane with grief and fear it was easier in some ways. The choices were already made for me in a way. I just had to accept the situations as they were presented and follow through. Now I'm having to make these choices myself.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 6, 2018
You know WM, .. one thing that I discovered in my XAH splitting was that all of a sudden there was no one else to point the finger at and I had to make decisions with real live consequences attached to them that I had to be responsible for and I didn't like that .. it was so much easier to say well it couldn't be helped or I was helpless because of my XAH.
No decision is still a decision.
It's all part of growth and growing.
Hugs keep doing you ..
Iamhere said
Apr 6, 2018
There is never any shame in feeling what we feel. I do recall many times in my journey wondering if 'this is as good as it gets' or 'will things feel more natural' or 'is that what a mature person would do/feel/be like'....I could go on and on and on. I feel that when I am uncertain or uncomfortable, it's for a reason. It's not always about good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, etc. It just is. Changing jobs is way up there on the list of top x stress elements and that's for people who aren't affected by the insanity of living with alcoholism. So - where you are is perhaps right where you should be. I so agree with Serenity above me - it's all a part of growth and growing and doing you is the best you can do.
I was way more negative and full of fear than I ever realized. It had been a huge part of 'me' for so very long, I was one who had to write gratitude lists each and every day to have a black/white concrete list of things that were good in my life. My mind tends to find/focus on what's broken still at times, and for me, I know that's when I need to increase my program/self work.
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers - just do you, just for today!
I have a program friend who just went through a job change. She too had a ton of fear, so much so that she brought up the topic in a meeting. After we all shared our ESH, she came to believe that her largest fear was that she would let others down and/or that she might be discovered as a fraud!
That touched me much as your post did. I can remember that I too had a huge fear of failing each time I changed departments, positions, jobs, etc. I questioned if I was qualified, if I was capable and if I 'deserved it'. Over time, I realized that I could use the steps and the program to get through these moments in life where I get overwhelmed with fear and it affects my joy.
I do believe as others wrote above me that there are no accidents or coincidence - there is a master plan and I'm just one of many cogs in the wheel. Each time today that I feel overwhelmed and/or fearful, I do say a quick prayer - I've been placed here for a reason; show me the way. I also really had to accept that HP is a loving, caring power that really wants me to be happy, joyous and free. These two points are gifts I got from being authentic and working on me and are hugely different than how I viewed HP before recovery.
All we learn in recovery does help me at times like this....ODAT stays close to the top of my tools always as when I come back to the present here and now, I can physically see that I am OK and life is actually pretty darn good. Keep doing you and more will be revealed!
It makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. Hand in hand with the fear is the guilt that I'm not dripping with joy and gratitude as I should be. I know, logically at least, that this is something to be grateful for. But, no matter how much I know it I still don't feel it. But at least I'm aware that something in my attitude is off-base.
I think back to the Fall when my world got turned upside down and even though I was insane with grief and fear it was easier in some ways. The choices were already made for me in a way. I just had to accept the situations as they were presented and follow through. Now I'm having to make these choices myself.
No decision is still a decision.
It's all part of growth and growing.
Hugs keep doing you ..
I was way more negative and full of fear than I ever realized. It had been a huge part of 'me' for so very long, I was one who had to write gratitude lists each and every day to have a black/white concrete list of things that were good in my life. My mind tends to find/focus on what's broken still at times, and for me, I know that's when I need to increase my program/self work.
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers - just do you, just for today!