Yesterday I got temporary emergency orders for full custody of kids, house and car. Wife has multiple supervised visits per week and every weekend. She is constantly calling me, asking why I'm doing this to her. I try not to engage. This is an absolute nightmare. I never imagined that I would have to make the decision to kick the mother of my children out of the house. I keep trying to remember though that this wasn't my decision. My choice was removed the moment she placed our children in danger.
I finally got back to work yesterday afternoon. I was there for about 45 minutes when she called saying she had banged up the car and needed me to come get her. I almost jumped to the rescue but Paused. Then told her I couldn't leave work but would send the contact info of a friend who lived nearby and might be available. I then stepped out of the office and called my sponsor sobbing because I'm afraid she's spiraling and fearful of what is going to happen to her.
WestMan said
Oct 13, 2017
I was torn between protecting myself and letting her experience the natural consequences of her actions.
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2017
(((Westman))) - I am so sorry for all that the disease is doing. I can so relate to all that you wrote. What I see is someone who's trying to be the best version of self possible, just for today. Keep using that pause and all the tools you can to keep yourself focused on self-care, self-protection and your kids.
This disease has brought many 'never thought I'd.....' to my life too. Yet through each crisis, I made it to the other side with support (sponsor), meetings and the program. The last time my son was in jail, he called 34 times in less than 2 hours....it was causing me so much anxiety, and when I called my sponsor, she suggested I turn off my phone. I had thought of that, yet considered it mean. She reminded me lovingly that taking care of self is not about hurting others, it's about self-preservation.
My thoughts and prayers continue for you all. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Just trust the process, the program and a HP and know that this too shall pass.
KT2015 said
Oct 13, 2017
I'm sorry this is happening Westman. You show such strength I can't imagine how hard this must be. It sounds like you have some good supports in place like a sponsor. I'm glad you have these things and I know you will get through this. Keep moving forward as best you can. Take care. You are in my thoughts during this difficult time.
shrnp said
Oct 13, 2017
Alcoholism isn't a very kind disease. I wish, I had found the courage to seek Alanon sooner. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache because I felt sorry for my ex-abf instead of feeling sorry for myself. I could not separate the person from the advanced alcoholism. It is hard to not be compassionate. However, it sometimes comes down to deciding between them or you. The alcoholic's illness will be overpowering and in my case I became just as sick as the alcoholic did. It might get worse before it gets better but you have a great support system. Hug your kids a little tighter and just keep being their dad. You have a lot to be proud of.
WestMan said
Oct 14, 2017
Shrnp your message may have come at the right time. I'm feeling very confused and unsure of my course of action after getting off the phone with my AW. The court orders I got are somewhat severe. They are also ensuring mine and the kids safety. House is mine for now and I am not having her in.
She is very convincing and my resolve is weakening. Am I doing the wrong thing?
WestMan said
Oct 14, 2017
Sheesh I was so tired when I wrote that last night. Glad I somewhat made sense. My wife is in anguish. I won't let her back to the house, she wrecked the other car so is now without independent transportation. Her temporary living arrangement with one of her few good friends has run out. I hear her voice and it's something I don't think I've ever heard before especially not from her. Utter despair.
I do not use that word lightly. I've felt that way before and I don't think I would wish it on anyone. It is the complete lack of hope that things will get better. Is this what hitting bottom looks like? She wasn't replying to messages from Thursday and Friday about seeing the kids today. When I got in touch last night she sounded really weird on top of the despair. She can't see the kids today. I'm so glad I didn't tell them because I'm crushed. I can only imagine what their disappointment would be like. During our conversation while she talked about how I'm blowing this all up and she didn't do anything wrong I wanted to scream at her so badly.
"Then prove it! It's straightforward right there on the judge's orders. Fight for them! Nobody is going to keep your kids away from you. Just show up." but, I'm not her lawyer nor therapist. I feel like it might have been a nice gesture to give her some encouragement or reassurance somehow but I didn't. And I feel bad for not helping her.
-- Edited by WestMan on Saturday 14th of October 2017 09:36:47 AM
Freetime said
Oct 14, 2017
Westman, I haven't been in your exact situation but I do understand the anger and trying to figure out the right things to say or do. I'd suggest to be gentle with yourself. You can't be reassuring to her right now, but that's just today. There might come a day in the future when you can be more compassionate ... it's just not today.
It helped me when I understood that the alcoholic's brain is not working correctly ... so I can't take too personally some of the things they said ... it's a malfunction caused by the disease.
Hang in there, you are doing great for your kids.
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 14th of October 2017 09:51:02 AM
el-cee said
Oct 14, 2017
It seems to me your wife is finally getting some much needed consequences from her drinking. Its such a strange thing in the beginning to stop enabling, it seems to go against everything. In a world or family without alcoholism helping is a natural response when a family member is in difficulty and yet when its alcoholism then helping is actually hurting.
You are doing so so well and its hard to believe you may actually be doing the kindest most loving thing anyone has ever done for her before. Your giving her the dignity to really feel the consequences and it seems to me that only this point brings the bottom and then a possibility of recovery. Your wife naturally is clinging to the status quo, no doubt promising the world and she will mean it, each and every promise, she may pull on the heart strings of those around her, but with my son its good to see it as the disease talking and fighting rather than the person underneath.
Its this that drives change, the pain of this. Maybe not in the beginning because it might take her a while to realise you actually mean it, she may even take the opportunity to 'enjoy' herself especially if she thinks you are teaching her a wee lesson and in a short time all will be back to normal.
Whats important for you and your kids is you taking care of yourself. Read the leaflet on detachment, during crisises I clung to that, it was my lifeline and it gives us clear cut guidance.
In Alanon we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be abused or used by others in the interest of anothers recovery
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
You are doing so well, remember she has her own higher power and she is where she is supposed to be right now, resist the urge to save her, unfortunately your the last person who can. That's what AA is for.x
WestMan said
Oct 14, 2017
She called me from the hospital I work at a short while ago. She went in to the psych unit voluntarily. Now she wants me to bring the kids at visiting hours. I told her I wasn't bringing them but would meet someone who could supervise the visit. We disagreed on her mother, who may be one of the most poisonous people I've ever met. She doesn't want anyone else. So the kids probably won't get to visit today.
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2017
(((Westman))) - breathe, breathe and breathe some more. I can share that my experience is that despair and desperation can be motivators for hitting a bottom. In AA, I've heard many, many times that people are grateful for the gift of desperation. From my experience with my sons, each time I 'helped', it did seem to prolong their arrival.
I also remember feeling 'selfish and self-centered' when I began to detach and set boundaries. Yet, doing the right thing for the right reasons with what is known is not wrong - even if it feels 'different'. There were times where I would stop taking their calls if the intent was related to boundary bending. I lovingly suggested that and they found out I meant it when they tested it. From bail bonds, to living conditions, etc. If she intends to comply with what's being asked, she will find her way. All she has to do is seek help in AA recovery, and most there will be able to point her towards sober living places. They will give her rides to meetings and possibly more.
It took me a long while to detach enough to accept that I was not responsible for any other adult in any way/shape/form. When I am able, I will help but not enable. It may not feel like it, but I believe you detaching is great service to her.
Continued thoughts and prayers your way! (((Hugs)))
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2017
That's OK Westman. If she's not willing to comply with your boundaries, it's not on you.....while the kids might be disappointed, I am a firm believer that nothing happens by mistake. There is a HP working here even if it doesn't feel like it....
Good for her that she took action to talk things out with someone. Small steps in the right direction are better than backward stepping or standing still.
(((Hugs)))
WestMan said
Oct 14, 2017
Based on the trend of this post I think I'll just update with "more crazy stuff happened and I'm trying to not fall apart" every twelve hours or so. Save us all some time.
shrnp said
Oct 14, 2017
Westman,
A lot of us have been where you are at at one time or another. The scenarios might be slightly different but the stress of the crisis is always the same. I was glad that my ex-abf was in the hospital. He was really sick but he was safe, and surrounded by professionals. It is not to much to ask your wife to be sober and present for a few hours when she is with your children. The phone calls will probably continue but you have the court order so that is good. We are not suppose to give advice but I wanted to say to stick by what the judge says, because if you do not and you go back to court they could hold that against you. When I got divorced years ago my ex-husband had been arrested. Someone called social services about my son and I, and they investigated me, when I had not done anything wrong. It was unfounded but they whole idea of having someone question my parenting was pretty scary. We went into counseling anyhow, and that was good. Going through the divorce was awful though. My son was ten and it was really hard on him. I really hope and pray your wife gets the help she needs. Don't feel bad about posting, we all care and have been there before.
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2017
Westman - my experience in these chaotic periods is if I want/need change to happen, it really must begin with me. So long as I stay true to self and boundaries, it does dwindle down as they either face the consequences or find another to manipulate. Honestly, it's gone different ways each time.
We're here for you however we can be. Lean into your sponsor too!! (((Hugs)))
WestMan said
Oct 17, 2017
Just an update. Nothing new has happened. No new catastrophe anyway. My AW is still on the psych unit. The kids visited her the last three days. Today we get a break which will be good because I'm exhausted. She's talking about going to a 30 day residential program. When we spoke last night she was crying and apologizing.
She now tells me that she genuinely was trying to commit suicide. Her thinking was that she'd be gone along with all of her problems and the kids and I would just continue living as normal. It seems she may have actually gotten closer than we realized. If she had gone to sleep instead of coming out and dancing with our daughter the outcome may have been different. I'm so grateful that we have this current crisis rather than having to bury a mother and wife.
bettyk said
Oct 17, 2017
(Westman)) Sounds as if good communication has developed. Prayers continue
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2017
Westman - glad you stopped by and gave an update. I've had you and the family on my mind. I hear some honesty and clarity - sounds like progress. Also, so glad you get a break day - I found the visits to feel like hours ... and they weren't long at all. Just a difficult place to be.
(((Hugs))) - prayers and positive thoughts continue!
SerenityRUS said
Oct 17, 2017
I am soooo late to this thread .. Westman I am truly so sorry for you and your wife.
I completely understand where you are at and the doubts and so on. Especially in regards to the kids and their safety. I cared for my XAH however when push came to shove and it was him or my sanity and the kids well being .. he had to go. I am NOT sorry I handled things the way I did in terms of custody because as he has gotten worse it has made my life soooo much easier. He's still not ok and I question how heavily he's drinking and/or drugging at this point. OR if he's just straight up mentally brain damaged or mentally ill.
It was difficult for me and I made the very hard decision that I now don't regret as hard as it has been on the kids I really have the confidence had he continued in their lives it would have made things sooo much harder for them all. I don't think he fully can wrap his mind around his past behavior the kids serve as a reminder to that and the guilt, shame and so on he is apparently struggling with our daughter at the moment. He just doesn't remember stuff and he remembers what he wants to.
The safety of the kids deemed him unfit for anything outside of visitation and the mediator informed the courts that he was lucky I didn't require supervised visitations. As it turns out he did what many active A's do .. they are obsessed with the drinking and stop seeing the kids.
I am truly so sorry .. I know it's hard and confusing .. alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. It will say and do anything to keep surviving.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 17, 2017
Westman, my heart just breaks for you and your family! Sending prayers that your HP will handle all that you feel you cannot.
Stay strong!
WestMan said
Oct 18, 2017
Just spoke with the insurance company. The car is considered to be a total loss. My wife had wanted me to handle the insurance as she's in the psych unit. The adjuster tells me there's also a claim from someone that she rear-ended them the day before she slid off the road and hit a pole. I didn't know about this. Not sure if she withheld that info from me or maybe was blacked out. Who knows. What is for sure is I'm getting a lot of material for a future book.
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2017
(((Westman))) - got a chuckle out of the future book sentence - it is important to keep some humor - I applaud you....I do know that when I had similar crisis, my sponsor suggested I could call any 'necessary' places (Work, Insurance, Creditors) and tell them my person was indisposed for an unforeseeable time and would contact when available. This puts everyone 'on notice' so they don't barrage you/the home with calls. You don't have to explain any more than that - she's a retired licensed counselor and felt my people should endure these consequences too.
I was grateful for the suggestion as it can be exhausting to try and cover it all + the untold truth typically does roll out...
My thoughts and prayers continue for you!
Maresie25 said
Oct 18, 2017
I have been around that constant crisis making and complete abdication of responsibility. It is pretty draining.
Detaching from that has been very very difficult but so rewarding.
The constant unremitting chaos is numbing.
Maresie.
WestMan said
Oct 18, 2017
If I had more options I would have no problem telling her that she needed to contact the insurance company. The issue is we live in a rural area and I commute myself and the kids about 45 minutes to the city. I currently have a court order for the remaining car but if I lost that I could get stuck with the car she wrecked. So I figured I had no choice but to step in. Ultimately it didn't matter anyway because within two minutes both me and the adjuster were so confused that they didn't want to talk to me anyway haha.
SerenityRUS said
Oct 18, 2017
I hope you are getting rest and eating. Self care is so important right now. This has to be incredibly overwhelming and difficult. There is nothing like dealing with a drunk story waiting for the rest of it to be revealed. This is a it is what it is situation .. change what you can and accept what you can't and just keep moving forward. What a mess!!!! Hugs s :)
Maresie said
Oct 18, 2017
There are places where your wife could be discharged to.
Having an alternative of where she could go would take a lot of pressure off you.
There are laws they cannot involuntarily detain people for more than a certain amount of time.
There are generally social workers who can be involved.
Your wife cam also ask to be in a treatment facility.
The problem is if she is discharged to go home to you saying no at that juncture will be nearly impossible.
I know when I said no to the ex A coming back after rehab (which was all a farce because he never intended to be sober)
I paid dearly for it.
Some of us have to have an ongoing relationship for a while at least. There are a lot of things to work out.
I know when I said No it should have been and here's your things but I felt gulity. Now I feel guilty for what he had no intention of being sober for one second.
Navigating this path isnt easy. There is no right or wrong way to feel but being able to see the hazards is key
Absolving all responsibility for themselves is an alcoholic trait.
Being attuned to that is difficult. Saying no to s spouse who is homeless is going to be very very difficult.
Maresie
WestMan said
Oct 18, 2017
We met the social worker today. I said no to her coming home. Wasn't fun but I wouldn't say it was hard. At least not in the moment. I was struggling more with it beforehand because I was worried that the meeting might be a setup to lean on me to have her come home. I really struggle with it sometimes because i see both her and our kids struggling with it. But my sponsor said something to me early on in this.
Evidence. Often times we don't have evidence. Just half-truths,guesses and other BS that we can try to cobble into a few facts. But I am dealing with stone-cold in your face evidence. When I start to waffle or lose my resolve I just go back to that and I'm on steady ground again.
-- Edited by bettyk on Thursday 19th of October 2017 08:03:38 AM
Aline said
Oct 19, 2017
Its been a very trying time for you and your family, and I think you've been handling your part with grace, Westman. Continued positive thoughts your way.
Iamhere said
Oct 19, 2017
(((Westman))) - you have a wise sponsor. Evidence is so helpful for me too. When there is chaos/drama, and it's engulfing someone I love, my emotions really, really want to take charge of the decision making process. I too have been asked to consider Evidence over Emotions. Of course, my disease still wants me/the situation to be unique, so if I am not using this program, the 'Yeah, buts....' come forward with my emotions.
Breathe, breathe, breathe again. You are doing a good job. I'm glad that the center supported your needs as far as listening for the discharge plan. Know that I am continuing to send positive thoughts and prayers for all of you. Take good care of you!!
bettyk said
Oct 19, 2017
(((Westman)) Glad to see that you are holding your program tools close. Continued prayers and positive thoghts for you and your family .
WestMan said
Oct 24, 2017
My AW left the psych unit yesterday and is now in a residential rehab facility about 1.5 hours away. I gave her permission to stop by the house yesterday and gather some things. She left me a letter asking me to strongly reconsider our divorce. She said things there that I've only dreamed of 4r years. Acknowledged many of the problems I've experienced and apologized for much of her part which she never apologizes.
It feels good and is tempting to take at face value. I would have loved to made this reconciliation long ago but I finally reached my breaking point with this whole mess I guess. I'm not angry, well sometimes I am, i just want to be cared about rather than constantly tested and derided when I don't live up to some unknown standard. I want financial security and I can't have that with her. I want our kidd to be safe and she's just not capable of that right now.
I also think she wants to get through rehab quickly and get back to her life with the kids which makes me think this strong urge may be why she's actually saying all this stuff. I'm finding that I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about all of this and that it's difficult to know what is the right thing to do.
bettyk said
Oct 24, 2017
Thanks for the updateWM Please continue to work your program sending positive thoughts your way
Iamhere said
Oct 24, 2017
Westman - I too am glad to see you and see your update. Also glad to hear that she found an interim place. There are no easy answers and my best course of action when I am waffling is to take it to my sponsor. I really try to share as much as possible and she will remind me of where I was before when my heart is interfering with my program.
What I see/hear is that, just for today, you get to do you. Whatever that looks like, decisions - yes/no, meeting - yes/no, kid-time - yes/yes (this always raised my spirits), etc. Our program has taught me that when I think I need to rush my processing/decision-making, I might need to step back just a bit and make sure I'm in a good spiritual place first.
I know that so many times in my journey, when I paused, I realized how exhausted I was and tried to talk it out with a trusted friend or sponsor and sleep well. I see tons of program in this thread and your posts and that's all we strive for - improvement. You got this and I too am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!
SerenityRUS said
Oct 25, 2017
Hugs and glad she's seeking help. I am a firm believer there is nothing wrong with separating to get space and perspective. After living with crazy for so long it is nice to have the breather. I hope you will take the time to do that. Get some serious self care figure out what you want .. I never do myself any good making decisions while in an emotional place good or bad. Keep doing you and getting things right with you the rest takes care of itself.
Maresie said
Oct 26, 2017
It.sounds like your wife has more than a personality disorder going. The psychiatrist would be able to give you that diagnosis.
Getting detoxed generally takes a while. Your wife may be better off going to a program where she can be in a therapeutic community. The psychiatrist who is treating her would be able to assess what she needs.
I wpuld not pay much heed to what someone 8s saying when they feel shut out. I no longer am affected by things people say about me. I know ceetain people do say.things. i just let it go.
There are pther people who have been through where younare.
I hope you take some respite to rest up and take a reprieve
For me when I am exhausted I let myself have that space. I cut back on my chores. Rest is so essential.
When I have been around someone who has acted out like your wife has I have to put boundaries on how long I am agitated.
I have to set limits on taking phone calls and permitting 24 hour access.
I found myself completely wrung out all the time.
Raging at someone when they are in that place is pretty normal. At the same time, what is so frustrating is that they arw absolutle unable to hear it.
I dont doubt the now ex A will ever be able to hear the kind of hell he put me through. For him it is all minimized.
After we broke up, his brother committed suicide. That issue was completely swept under the table by his family .
They would not acknowledge his absence on any level.
I am so grateful I did.not have to be around that.
I hope your wife gets the help she needs. Remember eveeything does not have to be #done# today. Getting rest when you are absolutely exhausted is essential. In al.anon we have a saying First things First.
First it has to be taking care of you.
Maresie
WestMan said
Oct 31, 2017
Recent days have been much better. She's at a residential program about an hour away so we spent all day Saturday visiting with her. It was nice. Easier than trying to make multiple visits happen during the week and kids getting dinner and bed late.
She appears to be very committed to her program and recovery. I still have many fears but I think eventually I'll have to let go and let God in regards to her coming back into our lives. It's just a question of how much and how fast. But I'm not worrying it right now.
Last night she called to tell the kids goodnight and wanted to speak to me. She apologized for some really selfish nasty behavior. I would even say abusive. She acknowledged much of what she had done and seemed sincere. It was nice to hear and I hope it is sincere but I still maintain a healthy degree of reservation.
SerenityRUS said
Oct 31, 2017
I'm going to repeat what my sponsor told me .. 2 weeks of good behavior doesn't erase years of unacceptable behavior it's now on her to continue being consistent and it's on you to work your program and figure out what is best for you. If it's right for you it's right for everyone else around you. It has the same trickle down effect.
Hugs S :)
PS - It's good to hear she's trying to figure things out. However what are YOU doing to take care of you.
Jerry F said
Oct 31, 2017
Hugs and prayers for you and your alcoholic Westman. Let go and Let God
Iamhere said
Oct 31, 2017
Thanks for the update Westman - you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. My best thoughts are to just stay present. Each time your mind wonders, use all the tools you got to come back to the here and now. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings, let alone tonight so no point in going there.
It took me a while to realize I was a separate individual with my own higher power who could stand alone or united. Knowing that I have a choice always is a gift of working this program. Stay, go, divorce, reconcile, etc. - none of that matters today and that too is a gift of the program. When I have been able to completely surrender and let go and let God, each time, the answers come. Not always when I think I need them but they do arrive.
Allowing myself and others to be imperfect has given me more grace than I ever had before. I've always had high expectations of self and transferred those to others as well. It was not a fair way to view the world for me or they. Letting go is much easier as I am often surprised at the outcomes and they are better than expected frequently.
For the record, when I was still discovering self and I wasn't sure what to do or make of apologies, I was told that this is where I could practice compassion. While I was still very hurt and very angry and uncertain what was coming next, I did learn that there is no shame in thanking someone for apologizing. I've said that many times, just a simple, "Thank you for apologizing." Nothing more and nothing less. I can also congratulate someone who is having personal success as another human being and wish them continued success. In other words, practicing compassion for me when I was new had everything to do with 'acting as if' they were another imperfect human, and not 'my ..................(insert title here)'.
You're doing marvelous Westman. Keep doing you and allow the rest to unfold and be revealed! Know there is no shame in any feelings you have! Feelings are real yet they aren't facts....they just are.
pumkin26 said
Oct 31, 2017
Hi Westman, I just wanted to take a moment to recognize all that you have been going thru this last month and long before that. I am not on the boards often (and posting) but I read posts on here a lot.... especially when I am struggling with my own story, program, etc. Your strength on this journey is incredible to me and I hope someday with program if faced with similar hard decisions I too can do what is needed without fear holding me back and with the support of program friends.
I needed this thread today- the shares from you and all the members (regardless that this situation doesn't directly to apply to me today) really helped me. The program is powerful, and today in this moment I am very thankful for it.
Yesterday I got temporary emergency orders for full custody of kids, house and car. Wife has multiple supervised visits per week and every weekend. She is constantly calling me, asking why I'm doing this to her. I try not to engage. This is an absolute nightmare. I never imagined that I would have to make the decision to kick the mother of my children out of the house. I keep trying to remember though that this wasn't my decision. My choice was removed the moment she placed our children in danger.
I finally got back to work yesterday afternoon. I was there for about 45 minutes when she called saying she had banged up the car and needed me to come get her. I almost jumped to the rescue but Paused. Then told her I couldn't leave work but would send the contact info of a friend who lived nearby and might be available. I then stepped out of the office and called my sponsor sobbing because I'm afraid she's spiraling and fearful of what is going to happen to her.
This disease has brought many 'never thought I'd.....' to my life too. Yet through each crisis, I made it to the other side with support (sponsor), meetings and the program. The last time my son was in jail, he called 34 times in less than 2 hours....it was causing me so much anxiety, and when I called my sponsor, she suggested I turn off my phone. I had thought of that, yet considered it mean. She reminded me lovingly that taking care of self is not about hurting others, it's about self-preservation.
My thoughts and prayers continue for you all. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Just trust the process, the program and a HP and know that this too shall pass.
Shrnp your message may have come at the right time. I'm feeling very confused and unsure of my course of action after getting off the phone with my AW. The court orders I got are somewhat severe. They are also ensuring mine and the kids safety. House is mine for now and I am not having her in.
She is very convincing and my resolve is weakening. Am I doing the wrong thing?
Sheesh I was so tired when I wrote that last night. Glad I somewhat made sense. My wife is in anguish. I won't let her back to the house, she wrecked the other car so is now without independent transportation. Her temporary living arrangement with one of her few good friends has run out. I hear her voice and it's something I don't think I've ever heard before especially not from her. Utter despair.
I do not use that word lightly. I've felt that way before and I don't think I would wish it on anyone. It is the complete lack of hope that things will get better. Is this what hitting bottom looks like? She wasn't replying to messages from Thursday and Friday about seeing the kids today. When I got in touch last night she sounded really weird on top of the despair. She can't see the kids today. I'm so glad I didn't tell them because I'm crushed. I can only imagine what their disappointment would be like. During our conversation while she talked about how I'm blowing this all up and she didn't do anything wrong I wanted to scream at her so badly.
"Then prove it! It's straightforward right there on the judge's orders. Fight for them! Nobody is going to keep your kids away from you. Just show up." but, I'm not her lawyer nor therapist. I feel like it might have been a nice gesture to give her some encouragement or reassurance somehow but I didn't. And I feel bad for not helping her.
-- Edited by WestMan on Saturday 14th of October 2017 09:36:47 AM
Westman, I haven't been in your exact situation but I do understand the anger and trying to figure out the right things to say or do. I'd suggest to be gentle with yourself. You can't be reassuring to her right now, but that's just today. There might come a day in the future when you can be more compassionate ... it's just not today.
It helped me when I understood that the alcoholic's brain is not working correctly ... so I can't take too personally some of the things they said ... it's a malfunction caused by the disease.
Hang in there, you are doing great for your kids.
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 14th of October 2017 09:51:02 AM
It seems to me your wife is finally getting some much needed consequences from her drinking. Its such a strange thing in the beginning to stop enabling, it seems to go against everything. In a world or family without alcoholism helping is a natural response when a family member is in difficulty and yet when its alcoholism then helping is actually hurting.
You are doing so so well and its hard to believe you may actually be doing the kindest most loving thing anyone has ever done for her before. Your giving her the dignity to really feel the consequences and it seems to me that only this point brings the bottom and then a possibility of recovery. Your wife naturally is clinging to the status quo, no doubt promising the world and she will mean it, each and every promise, she may pull on the heart strings of those around her, but with my son its good to see it as the disease talking and fighting rather than the person underneath.
Its this that drives change, the pain of this. Maybe not in the beginning because it might take her a while to realise you actually mean it, she may even take the opportunity to 'enjoy' herself especially if she thinks you are teaching her a wee lesson and in a short time all will be back to normal.
Whats important for you and your kids is you taking care of yourself. Read the leaflet on detachment, during crisises I clung to that, it was my lifeline and it gives us clear cut guidance.
In Alanon we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be abused or used by others in the interest of anothers recovery
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
You are doing so well, remember she has her own higher power and she is where she is supposed to be right now, resist the urge to save her, unfortunately your the last person who can. That's what AA is for.x
She called me from the hospital I work at a short while ago. She went in to the psych unit voluntarily. Now she wants me to bring the kids at visiting hours. I told her I wasn't bringing them but would meet someone who could supervise the visit. We disagreed on her mother, who may be one of the most poisonous people I've ever met. She doesn't want anyone else. So the kids probably won't get to visit today.
I also remember feeling 'selfish and self-centered' when I began to detach and set boundaries. Yet, doing the right thing for the right reasons with what is known is not wrong - even if it feels 'different'. There were times where I would stop taking their calls if the intent was related to boundary bending. I lovingly suggested that and they found out I meant it when they tested it. From bail bonds, to living conditions, etc. If she intends to comply with what's being asked, she will find her way. All she has to do is seek help in AA recovery, and most there will be able to point her towards sober living places. They will give her rides to meetings and possibly more.
It took me a long while to detach enough to accept that I was not responsible for any other adult in any way/shape/form. When I am able, I will help but not enable. It may not feel like it, but I believe you detaching is great service to her.
Continued thoughts and prayers your way! (((Hugs)))
Good for her that she took action to talk things out with someone. Small steps in the right direction are better than backward stepping or standing still.
(((Hugs)))
Based on the trend of this post I think I'll just update with "more crazy stuff happened and I'm trying to not fall apart" every twelve hours or so. Save us all some time.
A lot of us have been where you are at at one time or another. The scenarios might be slightly different but the stress of the crisis is always the same. I was glad that my ex-abf was in the hospital. He was really sick but he was safe, and surrounded by professionals. It is not to much to ask your wife to be sober and present for a few hours when she is with your children. The phone calls will probably continue but you have the court order so that is good. We are not suppose to give advice but I wanted to say to stick by what the judge says, because if you do not and you go back to court they could hold that against you. When I got divorced years ago my ex-husband had been arrested. Someone called social services about my son and I, and they investigated me, when I had not done anything wrong. It was unfounded but they whole idea of having someone question my parenting was pretty scary. We went into counseling anyhow, and that was good. Going through the divorce was awful though. My son was ten and it was really hard on him. I really hope and pray your wife gets the help she needs. Don't feel bad about posting, we all care and have been there before.
We're here for you however we can be. Lean into your sponsor too!! (((Hugs)))
Just an update. Nothing new has happened. No new catastrophe anyway. My AW is still on the psych unit. The kids visited her the last three days. Today we get a break which will be good because I'm exhausted. She's talking about going to a 30 day residential program. When we spoke last night she was crying and apologizing.
She now tells me that she genuinely was trying to commit suicide. Her thinking was that she'd be gone along with all of her problems and the kids and I would just continue living as normal. It seems she may have actually gotten closer than we realized. If she had gone to sleep instead of coming out and dancing with our daughter the outcome may have been different. I'm so grateful that we have this current crisis rather than having to bury a mother and wife.
(Westman)) Sounds as if good communication has developed. Prayers continue
(((Hugs))) - prayers and positive thoughts continue!
I completely understand where you are at and the doubts and so on. Especially in regards to the kids and their safety. I cared for my XAH however when push came to shove and it was him or my sanity and the kids well being .. he had to go. I am NOT sorry I handled things the way I did in terms of custody because as he has gotten worse it has made my life soooo much easier. He's still not ok and I question how heavily he's drinking and/or drugging at this point. OR if he's just straight up mentally brain damaged or mentally ill.
It was difficult for me and I made the very hard decision that I now don't regret as hard as it has been on the kids I really have the confidence had he continued in their lives it would have made things sooo much harder for them all. I don't think he fully can wrap his mind around his past behavior the kids serve as a reminder to that and the guilt, shame and so on he is apparently struggling with our daughter at the moment. He just doesn't remember stuff and he remembers what he wants to.
The safety of the kids deemed him unfit for anything outside of visitation and the mediator informed the courts that he was lucky I didn't require supervised visitations. As it turns out he did what many active A's do .. they are obsessed with the drinking and stop seeing the kids.
I am truly so sorry .. I know it's hard and confusing .. alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. It will say and do anything to keep surviving.
Hugs S :)
Stay strong!
I was grateful for the suggestion as it can be exhausting to try and cover it all + the untold truth typically does roll out...
My thoughts and prayers continue for you!
I have been around that constant crisis making and complete abdication of responsibility. It is pretty draining.
Detaching from that has been very very difficult but so rewarding.
The constant unremitting chaos is numbing.
Maresie.
If I had more options I would have no problem telling her that she needed to contact the insurance company. The issue is we live in a rural area and I commute myself and the kids about 45 minutes to the city. I currently have a court order for the remaining car but if I lost that I could get stuck with the car she wrecked. So I figured I had no choice but to step in. Ultimately it didn't matter anyway because within two minutes both me and the adjuster were so confused that they didn't want to talk to me anyway haha.
There are places where your wife could be discharged to.
Having an alternative of where she could go would take a lot of pressure off you.
There are laws they cannot involuntarily detain people for more than a certain amount of time.
There are generally social workers who can be involved.
Your wife cam also ask to be in a treatment facility.
The problem is if she is discharged to go home to you saying no at that juncture will be nearly impossible.
I know when I said no to the ex A coming back after rehab (which was all a farce because he never intended to be sober)
I paid dearly for it.
Some of us have to have an ongoing relationship for a while at least. There are a lot of things to work out.
I know when I said No it should have been and here's your things but I felt gulity. Now I feel guilty for what he had no intention of being sober for one second.
Navigating this path isnt easy. There is no right or wrong way to feel but being able to see the hazards is key
Absolving all responsibility for themselves is an alcoholic trait.
Being attuned to that is difficult. Saying no to s spouse who is homeless is going to be very very difficult.
Maresie
We met the social worker today. I said no to her coming home. Wasn't fun but I wouldn't say it was hard. At least not in the moment. I was struggling more with it beforehand because I was worried that the meeting might be a setup to lean on me to have her come home. I really struggle with it sometimes because i see both her and our kids struggling with it. But my sponsor said something to me early on in this.
Evidence. Often times we don't have evidence. Just half-truths,guesses and other BS that we can try to cobble into a few facts. But I am dealing with stone-cold in your face evidence. When I start to waffle or lose my resolve I just go back to that and I'm on steady ground again.
-- Edited by bettyk on Thursday 19th of October 2017 08:03:38 AM
Breathe, breathe, breathe again. You are doing a good job. I'm glad that the center supported your needs as far as listening for the discharge plan. Know that I am continuing to send positive thoughts and prayers for all of you. Take good care of you!!
My AW left the psych unit yesterday and is now in a residential rehab facility about 1.5 hours away. I gave her permission to stop by the house yesterday and gather some things. She left me a letter asking me to strongly reconsider our divorce. She said things there that I've only dreamed of 4r years. Acknowledged many of the problems I've experienced and apologized for much of her part which she never apologizes.
It feels good and is tempting to take at face value. I would have loved to made this reconciliation long ago but I finally reached my breaking point with this whole mess I guess. I'm not angry, well sometimes I am, i just want to be cared about rather than constantly tested and derided when I don't live up to some unknown standard. I want financial security and I can't have that with her. I want our kidd to be safe and she's just not capable of that right now.
I also think she wants to get through rehab quickly and get back to her life with the kids which makes me think this strong urge may be why she's actually saying all this stuff. I'm finding that I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about all of this and that it's difficult to know what is the right thing to do.
What I see/hear is that, just for today, you get to do you. Whatever that looks like, decisions - yes/no, meeting - yes/no, kid-time - yes/yes (this always raised my spirits), etc. Our program has taught me that when I think I need to rush my processing/decision-making, I might need to step back just a bit and make sure I'm in a good spiritual place first.
I know that so many times in my journey, when I paused, I realized how exhausted I was and tried to talk it out with a trusted friend or sponsor and sleep well. I see tons of program in this thread and your posts and that's all we strive for - improvement. You got this and I too am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!
It.sounds like your wife has more than a personality disorder going. The psychiatrist would be able to give you that diagnosis.
Getting detoxed generally takes a while. Your wife may be better off going to a program where she can be in a therapeutic community. The psychiatrist who is treating her would be able to assess what she needs.
I wpuld not pay much heed to what someone 8s saying when they feel shut out. I no longer am affected by things people say about me. I know ceetain people do say.things. i just let it go.
There are pther people who have been through where younare.
I hope you take some respite to rest up and take a reprieve
For me when I am exhausted I let myself have that space. I cut back on my chores. Rest is so essential.
When I have been around someone who has acted out like your wife has I have to put boundaries on how long I am agitated.
I have to set limits on taking phone calls and permitting 24 hour access.
I found myself completely wrung out all the time.
Raging at someone when they are in that place is pretty normal. At the same time, what is so frustrating is that they arw absolutle unable to hear it.
I dont doubt the now ex A will ever be able to hear the kind of hell he put me through. For him it is all minimized.
After we broke up, his brother committed suicide. That issue was completely swept under the table by his family .
They would not acknowledge his absence on any level.
I am so grateful I did.not have to be around that.
I hope your wife gets the help she needs. Remember eveeything does not have to be #done# today. Getting rest when you are absolutely exhausted is essential. In al.anon we have a saying First things First.
First it has to be taking care of you.
Maresie
Recent days have been much better. She's at a residential program about an hour away so we spent all day Saturday visiting with her. It was nice. Easier than trying to make multiple visits happen during the week and kids getting dinner and bed late.
She appears to be very committed to her program and recovery. I still have many fears but I think eventually I'll have to let go and let God in regards to her coming back into our lives. It's just a question of how much and how fast. But I'm not worrying it right now.
Last night she called to tell the kids goodnight and wanted to speak to me. She apologized for some really selfish nasty behavior. I would even say abusive. She acknowledged much of what she had done and seemed sincere. It was nice to hear and I hope it is sincere but I still maintain a healthy degree of reservation.
Hugs S :)
PS - It's good to hear she's trying to figure things out. However what are YOU doing to take care of you.
Hugs and prayers for you and your alcoholic Westman. Let go and Let God
It took me a while to realize I was a separate individual with my own higher power who could stand alone or united. Knowing that I have a choice always is a gift of working this program. Stay, go, divorce, reconcile, etc. - none of that matters today and that too is a gift of the program. When I have been able to completely surrender and let go and let God, each time, the answers come. Not always when I think I need them but they do arrive.
Allowing myself and others to be imperfect has given me more grace than I ever had before. I've always had high expectations of self and transferred those to others as well. It was not a fair way to view the world for me or they. Letting go is much easier as I am often surprised at the outcomes and they are better than expected frequently.
For the record, when I was still discovering self and I wasn't sure what to do or make of apologies, I was told that this is where I could practice compassion. While I was still very hurt and very angry and uncertain what was coming next, I did learn that there is no shame in thanking someone for apologizing. I've said that many times, just a simple, "Thank you for apologizing." Nothing more and nothing less. I can also congratulate someone who is having personal success as another human being and wish them continued success. In other words, practicing compassion for me when I was new had everything to do with 'acting as if' they were another imperfect human, and not 'my ..................(insert title here)'.
You're doing marvelous Westman. Keep doing you and allow the rest to unfold and be revealed! Know there is no shame in any feelings you have! Feelings are real yet they aren't facts....they just are.
I needed this thread today- the shares from you and all the members (regardless that this situation doesn't directly to apply to me today) really helped me. The program is powerful, and today in this moment I am very thankful for it.
(((hugs)))