When is enough, enough? I think this is the million dollar question we have all asked ourselves. Is it enough to create boundaries to make the hell our As bring into our lives a little less hellish? Or do we love ourselves enough to say that living with the constant drama, chaos, turmoil that an A surrounds himself with too greatly impacts my serenity (despite my best AlAnon efforts )
I love your post - it brings some very good questions to the surface that I'm sure has gone through everyone's minds that is living with or has an A in their life.
KT2015 said
Sep 21, 2016
Hello Jen,
I think you got a lot of good responses and people sharing their ESH. I can relate to the feeling of loving him and him being a different person when he's not drinking and then a not so nice side coming out when he's intoxicated. I wrestled with that a lot in my relationship. I love my AH deeply and have tried very hard to wrestle with the disease before I came to Al anon. I thought his friends were the problem too so I tried to control that, I thought if he just quit for a while that would change him, I begged, pleaded, argued, cried, complained, counted drinks and reported them back to him, victimized myself and showed him how much of a victim I was. I tried it all. Nothing has worked. The disease just progressed and I see the disease more frequently and the person I love slips away. And I have come to realize there isn't anything I can do about it. All my attempts to control his drinking have made me the bad guy and drawn his attention away from his own behaviour. He tries to hide his drinking now, asks me how much I think is reasonable to drink, tells me I'm the crazy one who is boring and not fun. I didn't even realize how much I danced around the disease until I came to Al Anon a year ago. I can focus on how sad it is that the disease is taking him over and I cannot stop it but the best thing I can do is take care of myself. It is not selfish to set limits and boundaries. It is healthy. It is what emotionally healthy people do. You deserve a good life. No ifs ands or buts you deserve it. I found that as I attended the program I have become much more clear on what I want and need. I no longer give my AH ultimatums because it is all just noise. If my AH could stop because I might leave he would have already. If he had the desire to stop drinking he would have taken steps to do so. He's a grown adult he knows how to take steps to change. I need to make that decision for myself. Because of my child and other circumstances I can't make that move as easily. But I know in my heart that if and when I leave there will be no threat. There will be no chances and deal about staying or going the relationship will be done and I will be ready to move forward. I used to look to others to give me guidance around if I should stay or if I should go. Friends, family members etc. I wanted other's approval to be able to leave my relationship. Now I realize that it is only something I can choose. I can only look to my Higher Power to help me make that choice. I will know when it is time to go and I will go.
Bethany66 said
Sep 21, 2016
Great share KT2015!
I too used to look to others for validation in my decision to stay or go. No more. I know that no one can make that determination but me. It will affect others for sure, but mainly it will affect me, forever. I have placed my marriage in my God Box and I truly believe that God will show me when it is time to leave this marriage. It may never be time, and I am okay with that. I can keep growing and learning and sometimes fumbling my way through this life married or not. But for now, I am learning to be peaceful no matter what my circumstances by trusting in my HP to care for me and bring me through. It was such a liberating feeling when I surrendered that matter to God.
Niknak said
Sep 21, 2016
Hi
I'm new to this group too and not that I'd want anybody to be in our situation but it is so sad that there are many of us out there.
All the things you say in this post ring true to me too, I have had the strength to take a break from my AH and for the most part i keep myself busy with friends and family and have a great time but on off days I miss my best friend (AH) so much. I have so much guilt because as my mind starts to tick over what an amazing person he is when he isn't binging or apologising or feeling guilty everything seems rosie but then I realise also how you cannot have a relationship or indeed a future with someone who you can't rely upon, almost as if the AH has a hyde in them.
It truly is heartbreaking at times and just when you think your feeling better too.
Nikki
hotrod said
Sep 21, 2016
Welcome Nikki Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless.
Alanon face to face meetings helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by so if you have not attempted to attend, I suggest that you look in the white pages and call the hot line number for meeting information.
Please do keep coming back here. There is hope.
Iamhere said
Sep 21, 2016
Hello Nikki - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you jumped right in and shared.
I'm with Betty above me - Al-Anon truly helped me understand more about the disease and the diseased, as well as how to take care of myself to act/react differently to it.
There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!
tired of it said
Sep 21, 2016
Hi Jen--I was just thinking tonight that I was having a good night and enjoying the evening with my AH. That is what is, at times, frustrating and makes it even harder to say enough is enough. No marriage or relationship is perfect. Although times are tough, and sometimes just really suck when my AH is on a binge. But, he is never abusive, would never cheat on me, is a kind and caring person. A lot of people can't say that about their spouse. Some people may think that is not a reason to stay with someone. I guess I was just thinking that we need to weigh the positives vs the negatives. Now, that said, I reread your original post and you say your AH is abusive when he is on a binge. That is a very large negative you need to factor in.
i pray that you are doing okay and taking care of yourself. Only you can make the decision about what is best for you. None of us lives in your exact situation, although we have a lot of similar things going on, so only you can make the ultimate choice.
I love your post - it brings some very good questions to the surface that I'm sure has gone through everyone's minds that is living with or has an A in their life.
I think you got a lot of good responses and people sharing their ESH. I can relate to the feeling of loving him and him being a different person when he's not drinking and then a not so nice side coming out when he's intoxicated. I wrestled with that a lot in my relationship. I love my AH deeply and have tried very hard to wrestle with the disease before I came to Al anon. I thought his friends were the problem too so I tried to control that, I thought if he just quit for a while that would change him, I begged, pleaded, argued, cried, complained, counted drinks and reported them back to him, victimized myself and showed him how much of a victim I was. I tried it all. Nothing has worked. The disease just progressed and I see the disease more frequently and the person I love slips away. And I have come to realize there isn't anything I can do about it. All my attempts to control his drinking have made me the bad guy and drawn his attention away from his own behaviour. He tries to hide his drinking now, asks me how much I think is reasonable to drink, tells me I'm the crazy one who is boring and not fun. I didn't even realize how much I danced around the disease until I came to Al Anon a year ago. I can focus on how sad it is that the disease is taking him over and I cannot stop it but the best thing I can do is take care of myself. It is not selfish to set limits and boundaries. It is healthy. It is what emotionally healthy people do. You deserve a good life. No ifs ands or buts you deserve it. I found that as I attended the program I have become much more clear on what I want and need. I no longer give my AH ultimatums because it is all just noise. If my AH could stop because I might leave he would have already. If he had the desire to stop drinking he would have taken steps to do so. He's a grown adult he knows how to take steps to change. I need to make that decision for myself. Because of my child and other circumstances I can't make that move as easily. But I know in my heart that if and when I leave there will be no threat. There will be no chances and deal about staying or going the relationship will be done and I will be ready to move forward. I used to look to others to give me guidance around if I should stay or if I should go. Friends, family members etc. I wanted other's approval to be able to leave my relationship. Now I realize that it is only something I can choose. I can only look to my Higher Power to help me make that choice. I will know when it is time to go and I will go.
I too used to look to others for validation in my decision to stay or go. No more. I know that no one can make that determination but me. It will affect others for sure, but mainly it will affect me, forever. I have placed my marriage in my God Box and I truly believe that God will show me when it is time to leave this marriage. It may never be time, and I am okay with that. I can keep growing and learning and sometimes fumbling my way through this life married or not. But for now, I am learning to be peaceful no matter what my circumstances by trusting in my HP to care for me and bring me through. It was such a liberating feeling when I surrendered that matter to God.
Alanon face to face meetings helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by so if you have not attempted to attend, I suggest that you look in the white pages and call the hot line number for meeting information.
Please do keep coming back here. There is hope.
I'm with Betty above me - Al-Anon truly helped me understand more about the disease and the diseased, as well as how to take care of myself to act/react differently to it.
There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!
Hi Jen--I was just thinking tonight that I was having a good night and enjoying the evening with my AH. That is what is, at times, frustrating and makes it even harder to say enough is enough. No marriage or relationship is perfect. Although times are tough, and sometimes just really suck when my AH is on a binge. But, he is never abusive, would never cheat on me, is a kind and caring person. A lot of people can't say that about their spouse. Some people may think that is not a reason to stay with someone. I guess I was just thinking that we need to weigh the positives vs the negatives. Now, that said, I reread your original post and you say your AH is abusive when he is on a binge. That is a very large negative you need to factor in.
i pray that you are doing okay and taking care of yourself. Only you can make the decision about what is best for you. None of us lives in your exact situation, although we have a lot of similar things going on, so only you can make the ultimate choice.