Abba is right - the statistics are actually contrary to recovery for addiction/alcoholism. I did mean hope for you - we just never know what recovery looks like...my number 3 was all about you, your recovery, not necessarily his!
Good on you for ordering literature - you're processing is great and you're focused on you and what you want/need. That's what the program suggests. One Day at a Time, we focus on us, our needs, our recovery and our serenity...
(((Hugs))) - no guilt required - we learn in the program that helping others is part of our journey. I get as much or more from your shares!! Keep coming back.
Ella Bella said
Aug 19, 2016
Abba - he's made it clear that he won't go to private counseling. There is nothing wrong with him! It's me! He DID thrive in AA initially. He loved it. He spent a lot of time making duplicate CD's for AA members and went to meetings every single day for months, even when he was out of state (nearly every week). He found a meeting every where he went and was faithful to the program. Then it just trailed off until he quit going. He never finished working the steps. He was on the 'make amends' step. I guess that was too hard to face.
We tried marriage counseling too but that didn't get anywhere. At the fifth session, he got angry twenty minutes into it and walked out. We never went back. Just as well, we cannot work on our marriage until he works on himself.
Ella Bella said
Aug 19, 2016
Iamhere:
I made myself a screen saver of inspirational quotes today. I don't know how long it will take before he gets PO'd about that. I don't care, this is for me. All I do is hide things that I think will make him angry and I'm tired of doing that. No more! I have to hide all of the projects that I'm working on for my son's wedding and his fiance's shower because it will infuriate him. I'm not allowed to talk about the wedding or mention my son's name. He's told me that if I really stood beside him (like a good wife should), that I should refuse to attend the wedding. Over my dead body!
Right now all of the AlAnon quotes seem foreign to me. I can't wrap my head around most of them. I hope that's normal at first.
Iamhere said
Aug 19, 2016
Ella Bella - I made this a year or so ago for a meeting....It might be helpful for you to print out - it is all the slogans that I knew of at the time of compiling!!!
I can't stop feeling panicked today even though there is no real reason. I hate this.
Iamhere said
Aug 19, 2016
Ella Bella - it happens....my best suggestions are read literature or any good book, lifetime TV (good distraction...) prayer, meditation, walk, music - think of what makes you calm/happy and do it - just for you. That kind of helps me settle down a bit!!!
Ella Bella said
Aug 20, 2016
I worked on my book. I have 111 typed pages. It's called Master of Destruction. Raw emotion at it's best.
Jerry F said
Aug 20, 2016
Good morning Ella (morning here) your post regarding you can't stop feeling panicky brought to mind for me what my sponsor helped me with which was my choices of how I looked at things and how I perceived outcomes. He taught me the difference between saying "I can't...do this or that" and "I won't...do this or that". He made everything for me a choice so I learned to be responsible even for things I use to think I had no choice over. It works ...it really works. I abandoned my novel. I hope you keep up with yours cause it is so rewarding. (((hugs)))
Ella Bella said
Aug 20, 2016
I feel panicked because I fear for the future. Mostly financial. He's got all the cards. It sucks to feel so helpless and alone.
Ella Bella said
Sep 27, 2016
Update:
I haven't been here for a while. My husband took a 'business trip' shortly after I last posted and when he got back, he told me that he actually went away for a week with a woman he met 5 months ago. This is no longer just an alcohol-related thing. I've been in shock since. I asked him to move ahead with the divorce and he did go to see his attorney, but nothing is happening. He says that he doesn't have the money that I'm asking for in the Settlement. I know he does, we do, because I can certainly figure out the equity in our home. I thought the next step would be to negotiate, either him or his lawyer, but it's not happening. He says that he wants the divorce but isn't doing anything about it. He has to make the moves because I can't afford a lawyer, he can.
His behavior is odd. We were cordial before he cheated, watched TV every evening and ate together. Since he told me, I stopped talking to him. He spends every evening at a local bar/restaurant now. The weird thing is that he acts angry with me like I was the one who did something wrong. If I ask him a question about our dogs or the divorce, he yells, "Don't talk to me"! No matter what I say, he calls me a liar. I know this is projection...he's the liar, but he accuses me of lying about every little thing. I asked him to leave our home two weeks ago and he refused, saying he had no place to go. Apparently the Bimbo lives in another state where he travels often. Today he came home from work and told me he was leaving for a while. I asked how long and he said he didn't know, that I had told him to get out so he is doing that. Again, he seems angry with me like I am the one that committed the crime. It's like he expected me to just keep spending my evenings with him while he has an affair. I don't get the rationale.
I can't get out of this and feel like a prisoner. His emotional abuse is like torture. He is fine with everyone else on the outside and they think I am the crazy one. Mainly his family and co-workers. I have no idea how he is pulling that off and I hope his stories crumble soon because I have done nothing wrong. The longer this goes on the deeper he seems to go into this mental illness. It's starting to scare me because his perception is so skewed. He's heavy into blaming, lying, manipulating, etc...there is no way to talk to him civilly. He explodes immediately. I'm not even sure if this is still Dry Drunk Syndrome. It seems much more serious than that at this point. This is not the person that I've been married to for 34 years.
milkwood said
Sep 28, 2016
(((((Ella))))))
That blaming and anger that you are feeling from him is probably more about him than you - I am fairly certain that I took on a lot of blame that wasn't mine to bear when my husband had his affair. I think it is called projecting, or perhaps transference.
Reading through all of your posts on this thread I kept seeing you reaching out to the thought that you are not going to let yourself be a doormat and a little piece of my heart did a dance every time I saw you writing that. But if we can't change someone else's desire to treat us like a doormat then how do we do it for ourselves, regardless of what they are doing?
For me, that meant that I took care of myself. I'm wondering why you don't have access to a joint bank account? The money that has been coming into your household is, I believe, joint. Also, why are you covering up his affair? Is it because you feel shame that he cheated on you? (I felt that for a while!) But that shame is absolutely not yours to carry. If folks are thinking that you are the crazy one, tell them as calmly as you can that your husband is behaving like a d***. Try to use a maximum of ten - twenty words to do it! The word that I tried to keep in mind was 'dignity'. I tried to remain dignified for my own benefit, not for anyone else's. You may well find that those folks around you have been noticing more than you thought.
You are right, you probably would not have married your husband if, thirty four years ago, he had been the person he is now.
The behaviour you are experiencing is not ok. It is, in my opinion, abusive.
So how can you restore your own sense of self worth? Where can you go to access free legal advice? Are you going to Al-anon meetings? Start talking to other people, here and in face to face scenarios and see what the fates bring back to you. In the meantime, wear your favourite clothes, enjoy nice walks and, if you have access to a bank account, book a weekend spa treatment for yourself. You deserve it!
Mattie said
Sep 28, 2016
His behavior is very disturbed and troubling. Frankly from my experience it sounds like his addiction is worsening, either alcohol or alcohol plus other substances. Unless arrested by recovery or death, it just keeps getting worse. This is most likely why it's worse than you've ever experienced it before. In addition there are the stresses of him living with someone (you) he doesn't want to be with (harsh as that is), but also doesn't want to split his money with. So he is trying to have it both ways - be separate from you while not paying you alimony. I would expect that he will keep this up as long as he can, very possibly years. He hopes that he can make you go away without asking for any money.
If I were in your shoes, I would do whatever it takes - sell jewelry, old CDs, work a paper route, do mystery shopping, walk people's dogs, be an overnight caretaker for old folks, ask friends and relatives for money - whatever it takes to afford an initial start with a lawyer. Preferably a really savvy lawyer who knows the tricks and can lay out a strategy to get you financial support and out of that toxic environment.
I know you want to buy a house for your dogs, but that strategy will take years and much pain and horror endured along the way. There are rentals that take multiple dogs. I know because I live next to one of them! They're often not the spiffiest places in town, but any place without an evil drunk in the living room is spiffier than what you have now. Don't set up obstacles toward having a better life. I think you will feel so much better once you get a breath of fresh air. I know I did.
milkwood said
Sep 28, 2016
Hi Ella,
You've been in my thoughts the past couple of hours whilst I've been out and about. One of my thoughts has already been expressed by Mattie - resolving financial dependency can do no harm, and may be helpful on lots of different levels. Are there any jobs in your area that you would feel comfortable doing? My other thought was that you have more choices than you know - especially now. You may need to gather your thoughts, rest up so to speak. Yoga and meditation helped me a lot when my mind was in a spiral.
My timelines are similar to yours - my husband and I have been together for thirty six years and his crazy behaviour really took off in 2006. I am inclined to look back over all those years that I used to think were happy and wonder where I went wrong. Of course this is crazy behaviour on my part. I can find a few things that with hindsight I might have done differently but on balance, after much thought, I blame the drink - as cliche as it sounds!! So do I let alcohol take my life as well as his, or do I protect my life and fulfil my own potential? I choose the latter. It takes a bit of work on my part, but it is me who is captain of my ship and I'm proud of that!
Ella Bella said
Sep 28, 2016
Milkwood and Mattie - I know that his behavior towards me has everything to do with him. I know enough to not take the blame for that. Every time he does something horrible, he gets angrier at me. He calls me everything that HE is...liar, etc. I know it's projection. He hates himself but throws it at me instead. I can't tell people about him. It's his family members and co-workers that are the problem. I tried to tell them once or twice and they insinuated that I was lying because my husband told them differently. They won't talk to me. Trying just makes me look like a trouble maker. He has also bashed our three kids to them and they have pretty much cut ties with them too. This hurts, these people are aunts and cousins. My son is getting married in November and really wanted them all there. It's half of the list. Our side of the church will literally be empty. I have three family members on my side. My husband has everyone convinced that we are treating him badly when it is the other way around. I have no idea how to tell people about his affair without coming off as an angry b**. He'd just lie and tell them that I am lying. That's what he does best. I want them to know that he needs help but like I said, they don't want to hear it. I am better off just keeping my mouth shut and letting him bury himself. I'm hoping that will happen eventually. My tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard.
I know he is drinking again. No doubt. He spends hours at the bar every day; I've seen his car there. The verbal abuse is getting worse, although if I just stay quiet all the time and don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to me either. If I have to ask him an important question, he screams at me as soon as I open my mouth. I'm a liar or a stupid b***. We don't have joint accounts because years ago when he began to travel for work, it was easier to have separate accounts. He gave me money weekly to pay the bills. We did that for many years until he cut me off a year ago. He pays all of the household bills but I have my own like car payment, insurance, credit cards, etc. He gives me some money now because I filed a claim at Domestic Relations. He didn't like that. He thinks that his paycheck is just his money. Our entire marriage, everything was ours until he relapsed. It's not enough to start off with though which is why I need a Settlement. I am entitled to that. After that, I can probably make it okay. I have to get some kind of lump sum because I will need to hire movers and buy furniture and many other things. I'm taking some of it, but I can't take all of it.
I don't think it's possible to work at this point. I have neurological problems that affect the use of my hands and my balance, among other things. I also take care of my elderly mother who has vascular dementia and mobility problems. She can't do anything for herself. I get her food, pay her bills, do laundry and dishes, do her banking and take her everywhere she has to go. There is no one else to help. I have a sister but she refuses to do anything and never calls or sees my mother. I have talked to her until I'm blue in the face about helping. She has excuse after excuse. My mom would literally starve to death if I didn't take care of it. I'm going to have to think about moving her to a home soon because it's getting to be too much.
I have gone back over things in my head to see where I went wrong, but in the end, I know that the small things that he said were the cause of his hatred towards me are not legitimate. He says I didn't love him enough, I didn't hug him enough, I didn't do this or that. ALL about him. It works both ways and is certainly no reason to suddenly hate someone and horribly abuse them. I saw his anger suddenly getting worse after his sober year and I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent that. It's on him. I've researched alcoholism to death and I get the psychology of it, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I do hope that people are seeing more than I think, but he is one of the most convincing liars I've ever met. He's gone for at least a week, off to see his sister and I'm sure, tell her more lies.
-- Edited by Ella Bella on Wednesday 28th of September 2016 01:09:18 PM
-- Edited by Ella Bella on Wednesday 28th of September 2016 01:11:35 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 28th of September 2016 05:47:46 PM
Mirandac said
Sep 28, 2016
Sending you a big hug Ella, i would reach out To womens
aid/ shelter people if you have to. There are Resources
available, thats what they do and are there For. HUGS
hotrod said
Sep 28, 2016
((Ella Bella))) positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Good on you for ordering literature - you're processing is great and you're focused on you and what you want/need. That's what the program suggests. One Day at a Time, we focus on us, our needs, our recovery and our serenity...
(((Hugs))) - no guilt required - we learn in the program that helping others is part of our journey. I get as much or more from your shares!! Keep coming back.
We tried marriage counseling too but that didn't get anywhere. At the fifth session, he got angry twenty minutes into it and walked out. We never went back. Just as well, we cannot work on our marriage until he works on himself.
I made myself a screen saver of inspirational quotes today. I don't know how long it will take before he gets PO'd about that. I don't care, this is for me. All I do is hide things that I think will make him angry and I'm tired of doing that. No more! I have to hide all of the projects that I'm working on for my son's wedding and his fiance's shower because it will infuriate him. I'm not allowed to talk about the wedding or mention my son's name. He's told me that if I really stood beside him (like a good wife should), that I should refuse to attend the wedding. Over my dead body!
Right now all of the AlAnon quotes seem foreign to me. I can't wrap my head around most of them. I hope that's normal at first.
Ella Bella - I made this a year or so ago for a meeting....It might be helpful for you to print out - it is all the slogans that I knew of at the time of compiling!!!
Good morning Ella (morning here) your post regarding you can't stop feeling panicky brought to mind for me what my sponsor helped me with which was my choices of how I looked at things and how I perceived outcomes. He taught me the difference between saying "I can't...do this or that" and "I won't...do this or that". He made everything for me a choice so I learned to be responsible even for things I use to think I had no choice over. It works ...it really works. I abandoned my novel. I hope you keep up with yours cause it is so rewarding. (((hugs)))
I haven't been here for a while. My husband took a 'business trip' shortly after I last posted and when he got back, he told me that he actually went away for a week with a woman he met 5 months ago. This is no longer just an alcohol-related thing. I've been in shock since. I asked him to move ahead with the divorce and he did go to see his attorney, but nothing is happening. He says that he doesn't have the money that I'm asking for in the Settlement. I know he does, we do, because I can certainly figure out the equity in our home. I thought the next step would be to negotiate, either him or his lawyer, but it's not happening. He says that he wants the divorce but isn't doing anything about it. He has to make the moves because I can't afford a lawyer, he can.
His behavior is odd. We were cordial before he cheated, watched TV every evening and ate together. Since he told me, I stopped talking to him. He spends every evening at a local bar/restaurant now. The weird thing is that he acts angry with me like I was the one who did something wrong. If I ask him a question about our dogs or the divorce, he yells, "Don't talk to me"! No matter what I say, he calls me a liar. I know this is projection...he's the liar, but he accuses me of lying about every little thing. I asked him to leave our home two weeks ago and he refused, saying he had no place to go. Apparently the Bimbo lives in another state where he travels often. Today he came home from work and told me he was leaving for a while. I asked how long and he said he didn't know, that I had told him to get out so he is doing that. Again, he seems angry with me like I am the one that committed the crime. It's like he expected me to just keep spending my evenings with him while he has an affair. I don't get the rationale.
I can't get out of this and feel like a prisoner. His emotional abuse is like torture. He is fine with everyone else on the outside and they think I am the crazy one. Mainly his family and co-workers. I have no idea how he is pulling that off and I hope his stories crumble soon because I have done nothing wrong. The longer this goes on the deeper he seems to go into this mental illness. It's starting to scare me because his perception is so skewed. He's heavy into blaming, lying, manipulating, etc...there is no way to talk to him civilly. He explodes immediately. I'm not even sure if this is still Dry Drunk Syndrome. It seems much more serious than that at this point. This is not the person that I've been married to for 34 years.
That blaming and anger that you are feeling from him is probably more about him than you - I am fairly certain that I took on a lot of blame that wasn't mine to bear when my husband had his affair. I think it is called projecting, or perhaps transference.
Reading through all of your posts on this thread I kept seeing you reaching out to the thought that you are not going to let yourself be a doormat and a little piece of my heart did a dance every time I saw you writing that. But if we can't change someone else's desire to treat us like a doormat then how do we do it for ourselves, regardless of what they are doing?
For me, that meant that I took care of myself. I'm wondering why you don't have access to a joint bank account? The money that has been coming into your household is, I believe, joint. Also, why are you covering up his affair? Is it because you feel shame that he cheated on you? (I felt that for a while!) But that shame is absolutely not yours to carry. If folks are thinking that you are the crazy one, tell them as calmly as you can that your husband is behaving like a d***. Try to use a maximum of ten - twenty words to do it! The word that I tried to keep in mind was 'dignity'. I tried to remain dignified for my own benefit, not for anyone else's. You may well find that those folks around you have been noticing more than you thought.
You are right, you probably would not have married your husband if, thirty four years ago, he had been the person he is now.
The behaviour you are experiencing is not ok. It is, in my opinion, abusive.
So how can you restore your own sense of self worth? Where can you go to access free legal advice? Are you going to Al-anon meetings? Start talking to other people, here and in face to face scenarios and see what the fates bring back to you. In the meantime, wear your favourite clothes, enjoy nice walks and, if you have access to a bank account, book a weekend spa treatment for yourself. You deserve it!
His behavior is very disturbed and troubling. Frankly from my experience it sounds like his addiction is worsening, either alcohol or alcohol plus other substances. Unless arrested by recovery or death, it just keeps getting worse. This is most likely why it's worse than you've ever experienced it before. In addition there are the stresses of him living with someone (you) he doesn't want to be with (harsh as that is), but also doesn't want to split his money with. So he is trying to have it both ways - be separate from you while not paying you alimony. I would expect that he will keep this up as long as he can, very possibly years. He hopes that he can make you go away without asking for any money.
If I were in your shoes, I would do whatever it takes - sell jewelry, old CDs, work a paper route, do mystery shopping, walk people's dogs, be an overnight caretaker for old folks, ask friends and relatives for money - whatever it takes to afford an initial start with a lawyer. Preferably a really savvy lawyer who knows the tricks and can lay out a strategy to get you financial support and out of that toxic environment.
I know you want to buy a house for your dogs, but that strategy will take years and much pain and horror endured along the way. There are rentals that take multiple dogs. I know because I live next to one of them! They're often not the spiffiest places in town, but any place without an evil drunk in the living room is spiffier than what you have now. Don't set up obstacles toward having a better life. I think you will feel so much better once you get a breath of fresh air. I know I did.
You've been in my thoughts the past couple of hours whilst I've been out and about. One of my thoughts has already been expressed by Mattie - resolving financial dependency can do no harm, and may be helpful on lots of different levels. Are there any jobs in your area that you would feel comfortable doing? My other thought was that you have more choices than you know - especially now. You may need to gather your thoughts, rest up so to speak. Yoga and meditation helped me a lot when my mind was in a spiral.
My timelines are similar to yours - my husband and I have been together for thirty six years and his crazy behaviour really took off in 2006. I am inclined to look back over all those years that I used to think were happy and wonder where I went wrong. Of course this is crazy behaviour on my part. I can find a few things that with hindsight I might have done differently but on balance, after much thought, I blame the drink - as cliche as it sounds!! So do I let alcohol take my life as well as his, or do I protect my life and fulfil my own potential? I choose the latter. It takes a bit of work on my part, but it is me who is captain of my ship and I'm proud of that!
Milkwood and Mattie - I know that his behavior towards me has everything to do with him. I know enough to not take the blame for that. Every time he does something horrible, he gets angrier at me. He calls me everything that HE is...liar, etc. I know it's projection. He hates himself but throws it at me instead. I can't tell people about him. It's his family members and co-workers that are the problem. I tried to tell them once or twice and they insinuated that I was lying because my husband told them differently. They won't talk to me. Trying just makes me look like a trouble maker. He has also bashed our three kids to them and they have pretty much cut ties with them too. This hurts, these people are aunts and cousins. My son is getting married in November and really wanted them all there. It's half of the list. Our side of the church will literally be empty. I have three family members on my side. My husband has everyone convinced that we are treating him badly when it is the other way around. I have no idea how to tell people about his affair without coming off as an angry b**. He'd just lie and tell them that I am lying. That's what he does best. I want them to know that he needs help but like I said, they don't want to hear it. I am better off just keeping my mouth shut and letting him bury himself. I'm hoping that will happen eventually. My tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard.
I know he is drinking again. No doubt. He spends hours at the bar every day; I've seen his car there. The verbal abuse is getting worse, although if I just stay quiet all the time and don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to me either. If I have to ask him an important question, he screams at me as soon as I open my mouth. I'm a liar or a stupid b***. We don't have joint accounts because years ago when he began to travel for work, it was easier to have separate accounts. He gave me money weekly to pay the bills. We did that for many years until he cut me off a year ago. He pays all of the household bills but I have my own like car payment, insurance, credit cards, etc. He gives me some money now because I filed a claim at Domestic Relations. He didn't like that. He thinks that his paycheck is just his money. Our entire marriage, everything was ours until he relapsed. It's not enough to start off with though which is why I need a Settlement. I am entitled to that. After that, I can probably make it okay. I have to get some kind of lump sum because I will need to hire movers and buy furniture and many other things. I'm taking some of it, but I can't take all of it.
I don't think it's possible to work at this point. I have neurological problems that affect the use of my hands and my balance, among other things. I also take care of my elderly mother who has vascular dementia and mobility problems. She can't do anything for herself. I get her food, pay her bills, do laundry and dishes, do her banking and take her everywhere she has to go. There is no one else to help. I have a sister but she refuses to do anything and never calls or sees my mother. I have talked to her until I'm blue in the face about helping. She has excuse after excuse. My mom would literally starve to death if I didn't take care of it. I'm going to have to think about moving her to a home soon because it's getting to be too much.
I have gone back over things in my head to see where I went wrong, but in the end, I know that the small things that he said were the cause of his hatred towards me are not legitimate. He says I didn't love him enough, I didn't hug him enough, I didn't do this or that. ALL about him. It works both ways and is certainly no reason to suddenly hate someone and horribly abuse them. I saw his anger suddenly getting worse after his sober year and I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent that. It's on him. I've researched alcoholism to death and I get the psychology of it, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I do hope that people are seeing more than I think, but he is one of the most convincing liars I've ever met. He's gone for at least a week, off to see his sister and I'm sure, tell her more lies.
-- Edited by Ella Bella on Wednesday 28th of September 2016 01:09:18 PM
-- Edited by Ella Bella on Wednesday 28th of September 2016 01:11:35 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 28th of September 2016 05:47:46 PM
aid/ shelter people if you have to. There are Resources
available, thats what they do and are there For. HUGS