Had my serenity shattered today, need the calm of MIP!
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 6, 2019
So I guess this is going to be a vent-session. This is in regards to my Ex-husband's text that I received at work today.
Pertinent back-story: We are on friendly terms. He texts me a lot. As long as he is working his program (as far as I can tell), I don't mind returning texts, sharing funny jokes/stories etc. Everyone except his family thinks I am weird for doing this, but at some point I just gave up on being angry and resentful. Because at the end of the day, it only hurt my peace and serenity.
So getting a text today from him didn't seem unusual (although he KNOWS that I can't engage my phone while I am working in the lab. This was the texts:
Him: "When you get a chance to text i need to touch basis with you OK (smiley emoji)"
Me on my lunch break: Whatcha need? I am at lunch right now.
Him: "I have an opportunity to work in Texas and or Virginia. I'm considering it but I guess I won't you to tell me no because id be so far away (sad emoji). I thought about it and I get to see Kid maybe 1 or 2 times every 3 months and you a lot less. I 'm not trying to push this off on you but I kind of feel like there's nothing here for me (sad emoji)."
A few minutes later: "I'm sorry. Never mind I'll deal with this myself."
Then a few minutes later: sad emoji
Well, that really threw me for a loop! I mean, what does he expect? We are DIVORCED. I did not respond, but this one text made me feel so bad about myself that I ended up crying at work! I hate that!! After work I was going to text back how he had crossed a boundary and that he ruined my entire day... he should've never dropped that bomb on me - especially while I was at work! But I was going out with a friend, so I stayed radio silent. Remember, Kid is 19, so their relationship is based on what Kid wants in his life. This came later:
Him:"I'm sorry you don't still feel like I do for you. sad emoji. Hoping that we still have future is killing me! So I'm sorry if I seem rude and in sensitive but I can't take hoping anymore! If we have a chance to at least be friends tell me so I can make my life decisions. heart emoji."
Then later: "Just want you to know I love you and I've never stopped loving you." sad emoji.
WTH??? Is my being nice some sort of signal to him that I want him to wait around for me? Why would he even think this? The divorce was final last year! Before the divorce was final, I told him in no uncertain terms that I could never be the person he wants me to be... I can not live with the uncertainty of addiction, and I am too damaged from distrust issues & gaslighting to be a good partner for anyone.
For now, I am radio silent b/c I just don't know what to say that won't come off as mean. Perhaps you all could give me some insight on this off the wall behavior and or at least a way to respond to this.
I feel like texting him back: "I thought we were being friendly. I cannot be what you want. Nor do I have to be. I think you should be making decisions based on what is best for you... I have no bearing in that scenario. But I always wish for you the best."
Thanks for hanging with the long post... I just feel all emotionally jumbled right now.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Friday 6th of September 2019 12:19:46 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 6, 2019
Then again, another part of me wants to make sure he doesn't know that this upset me so much...
Something to the effect of:
"Sounds like a great opportunity. I am sure you will do what is best for you."
JerryF said
Sep 6, 2019
P&P it seems he is still connected while you are in detached mode. My first addict wife still feels the freedom and propriety to trespass my boundaries whenever she feels justified and then I am kinda forced to listen to her mental ranting without invitation. I pull the boundary back up nicely and bring my end to an end. Its been since 1968 for me and not for her at times. Its a God thing for me and that is how I handle it. Maybe we had or have more value than what we suspect.? (((hugs)))
El said
Sep 6, 2019
PnP....wow! I do no have any experience that directly correlates to this, but I can see how it would throw you for a loop. It did feel to me that boundaries were definitely being crossed and when you didnt respond (which I though was great) he kept amping it up!
Responding to his needs is not your concern....its time to do whatever you do to take care of YOU....to get centered again. I repeat, his need is not your responsibility or concern, right? Take however long you need to be radio-silent, or whatever boundary works best for you.
I see you have been working such a strong program and your ESH and support are soooo valuable here! The answers will come to you. I am so sorry.....its another lesson come to call, I believe.
Hugs to you, PnP!
Ellen
bud said
Sep 6, 2019
((PosiesandPuppies))
I relate to your and Jerry's share. Years ago, my exAH and I had so much difficulty "separating" post divorce. Detaching came in layers for many reasons. I had much boundary work to do. When he remarried, it forced a new situation where we went our own ways to lead our own lives.
That has been my experience and I trust and support any next steps and path that is right for you.
Great working your program to pause before responding! More will be revealed.
Sending positive thoughts.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 6, 2019
My 2 cents and I may need to duck a couple times .. he didn't ruin your day.. he invoked a powerful reaction of unresolved healing. To me I heard him flip the accountability switch .. I would stay however you don't want me. Ummm .. gas lighting manipulative much. Enough of that part .. you stated your boundary he's disrespected it again because he's testing the waters .. like the late night check in from a past boyfriend .. hhheeeyyyy what's up?? Which translates to I'm lonely and you happened to be the first second or third contact on my phone. Knowing what I know now and reading your situation .. girl .. the choice is yours .. my vote is stay radio silent if he brings it up again and he will .. i would then verbalize how unfair and totally selfish he's being ... you made it clear it wad over at the divorce he needs to let go. Big big big hugs go have a great day .. unless you have other plans. :) you have the opportunity for some great step work here for YOU. Let him do him. S :)
Aloha said
Sep 6, 2019
What a rough set of texts.
Here's a couple thoughts I know my sponsor would ask me to chew on:
#1 - I am not responsible for other people's happiness. That is an inside job for every person. I am not powerful enough to make someone feel or act or think any certain way.
#2 - I am a loving child of God who is doing the best she can at any given moment every single day. I am enough.
Your ex is just looking outside of himself for happiness. He's convinced himself of some fantasy that his life will be complete and better with you in it on HIS terms, despite that you've clearly stated your boundaries. I'm pretty sure that right now his life is feeling unmanageable, and that's where that fantasizing comes in. "Things aren't feeling right HERE, so I'll look THERE for solutions." But the thing is, he's looking to other people, places and things to fill what is actually a God-shaped hole in his life.
So, remember that you aren't his HP.
I still think you can respond to his messages with compassion and still maintain your boundaries. I think what you asked towards the end of your post may be worth verbalizing to him. But eventually "no" might have to be the final answer. "I'm happy to hear about the opportunity you've received and I encourage you to take it. I wish the best for you, but know that I am not available for what you want." or something along those lines.
I know when you pause and pray, God will give you the right words and the right timing.
And remember, too - just as you're not responsible for his feelings, neither is he responsible for yours. He doesn't have that kind of power over you, either. You're not a victim, just a bit flattened by some feelings that decided to rear up in an unpleasant way. But you're responsible for how you decide to work with your feelings, too. I think ultimately you're doing the right thing. ;) Just don't hand over the power of whether you're having a good or a bad day over to your ex. The quality of your day is entirely up to you.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2019
(((PnP))) - so very sorry that the texts created a bit of chaos/sadness/frustration/whatever....I can so relate to Aloha's post. As I age, and experience life and recovery and all it brings, I am reminded daily that we are all imperfect humans. I can clearly state my needs and/or my wants, and have the healthiest boundaries in the world yet that does not protect me from the mental process in anyone else.
I no longer spend time trying to determine why another thinks the way they do, acts the way they do, feels the way they do, etc. Simply because when I 'go there', I end up in pain, fear, etc. I am a huge fan of Pause, Pray, then Proceed simply because I need regular reminders from the God of my understanding that I am powerless.
It does sound as if he still loves you. It does sound as if he would reconcile with you if possible. As an outsider, looking in, there is no need/reason to throw blame/shame/other your way or his. This text exchange to me suggests he's throwing it out there to check the temperature. How it affected you and how you felt/responded/reacted is exactly why we have all these tools. When I am troubled, discontent, etc. I go to the tools simply because that's where I find my answers. I am reminded every day that I can do my very best to be a serene woman in recovery, practicing unconditional love and acceptance yet others are unique in their journey.....Spending an entire year on Seek to Understand instead of to be understood gave me a whole new set of awareness, acceptance and action.
Recovery has taught me that each phrase/value/quality presented - honesty, love, tolerance, friends, ex's, etc. is defined uniquely to the person. I could drone on and on with this but suffice it to say, he is not the first person nor will he be the last who's possibly picking up vibes from your efforts to be friendly. You have the recovery in you to align with your higher power, and do the next right thing. Recovery gave me permission to start difficult conversations with my truth - such as I was caught off guard by your text or I was uncomfortable with your text or ..................................... I am not perfect, my words/feeling/actions are not perfect and today, I can own that as I practice and grow in recovery and authenticity. I am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers but I know in my heart that you will find your right back to your center and serenity.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 6, 2019
I only had a min to respond and OMG .. I have so much more to say .. one thing that really came across to me is I hope you will take the time at some point today and READ what you wrote here out loud to yourself before you think about responding to him.
2 things .. think about this from the stand point of someone on the board wrote this or your best friend communicated this to you and what would your response be to the situation and I believe you will find the answer of how you want to respond to this if at all.
What you wrote though is very thought provoking and powerful to boot. It rotates back to the bottom line of YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EX (or anyone else for that matter). HIS STUFF let him do him. You really do have the opportunity for some tremendous healing and that's actually pretty exciting. After the lightening bolt that hit me right or wrong .. it really gave me some clarity to how much crazy I was dealing with at the moment .. and you know what .. that's NOT MY ISSUE.
Your X has his own support group and he should have a sponsor .. and you know what .. it wouldn't be inappropriate to redirect him there with a very simple .. this sounds like something that would be a good subject for your sponsor .. not me. Leave it at that.
This came up in my timeline and may or may not apply to your situation .. however I feel like it applies:
We think that our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other's pain. Maybe that's why we all feel like failures so often - because we all have the wrong job description of love. People who are hurting don't need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. People who sit quietly and hold space for us. People to stand in the helpless vigil to our pain.
-- Glennon Doyle
Lyne said
Sep 6, 2019
{{{PNP}}} Hugs and hugs! You got triggered like we all do, but you have a strong recovery going on for yourself and your second post above is PERFECT!!! He should do what's best for him. Period and end of story. Lyne
KT2015 said
Sep 6, 2019
Hi PnP
Your scenario sounds familiar to me and I am still married to my AH. For me the boundaries I have set are accepted and supported by my AH 99% of the time. Then every once in a while he will push one. Not sure where it comes from and it can throw me for a loop too. When I find something is upsetting me like that I try the best I can to wait and address it when I am feeling calmer. I think you had some good responses and your recovery program is very strong. Hope today is a better day.
a4l said
Sep 6, 2019
I guess it's a case of two people where one is still in love with the other while the desired one has moved on. It happens. I think the kindest thing to do if you know that is to not encourage him with friendliness that's misinterpreted. The reply above "sounds like a great opportunity I'm sure you will decide what's best for you" sounds good.
It would hit my heartstrings too but I learned long ago (the hard hard hard way lol) that the external cause of my pain is almost never the solution. The ones who played with my heart or broke it were not the ones who could undo the break or stop the turmoil. Whenever I engaged with them, expecting clarity, all I got was more confusion. Lead the way PnP. You are strong, confident, capable.
2HP said
Sep 6, 2019
Somewhere in our literature is a terrific story about "taking offense" reminding us that we always have the choice of NOT taking offense and being so sensitive.. a very common shortcoming that steals serenity away in a flash.
Remember the problem is not somewhere OUTSIDE which this is a wonderful thing because we can't control anything outside. the "enemy" is within...
What would it look like if you didn't cling to the thought that "he should not have said this to me"... that "thought" is the real enemy. without that thought, you might have been much more lighthearted.. you might have giggled... you might have simply responded, "what are you doing, silly? we can only be friends after all we've been through...." something like that.
Do treat your former husband the way YOU would want to be treated, with kindness. Perhaps the miscommunication is because you two never had a direct conversation about it and I don't know about you but...... I am not a mind reader.
Take what you like and leave the rest... But do consider this incident was meant for GOOD, especially if you believe nothing in God's world happens by mistake.... Run quickly to the Direct Source of peace and joy and love and harmony... from your quiet meditation, you will reflect all of that to your former husband ( true service work, doing God's will.)
Maresie888 said
Sep 6, 2019
Any of my former relationships would be a huge trigger for me
One of my ex boyfriends would like to be more friendly with me. As his life is chaotic I.choose to maintain a distance
I think you are caught in a projection
You dont have to.own the projection
I put a lot of detachment around people who are triggers for me.
I am not sure what the trigger is for you but for me I have a h8ge sensenof over responsibility for others. It is really tough to boundary up after divorce
Not responding was ideal
tiredtonite said
Sep 6, 2019
Maybe this the time pnp for a clean break. He sounds like he is hopeful for a reconciliation. Or perhaps you need to make it clear that that is not a possibility. PNP, it's hard to let go completely. Much like you I held on in small ways. It wasn't until I closed the door to my ex that I was really able to move on completely. Anyway, just sayin. I know we are all different. (((hugs)))) TT
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 6, 2019
Thank you to everyone who posted. I think I read everyone's replies at least 3 times!! They all have snippets of wisdom. Yes, this was a trigger for me. Yes, now I know that I can reframe my reaction and not take offense.
Now that I have had time to look at my thought process (and read replies), I am guessing that I reacted so strongly b/c he pushed the one button that bothers me the most: that I was not/am not supportive enough of him. That I did not live up to my wedding vows. That I did not do "this"well enough.
I know, I know, my head understands that I made the moves I made b/c I had to do what was best for me and my kid. But the guilt seems harder to erase.
I continue to be on friendly terms with Ex because 1)it is good for kid to see that and 2)I really, really need the financial support and finally, 3)b/c I did not want to allow bitterness to transform my otherwise happy nature!
I have believed all along that I have treated my Ex the way I would want to be treated. I have tried to extend kindness even when in early recovery he was pushing my buttons (kind of like now... hmmmm.). We DID have the conversation that I was not a good partner for him when the divorce papers were signed... hence the divorce. I told him in no uncertain terms that I had real issues with Trust. I have told him over and over that I am doing the best I can with this "friendship" thing, and his timeline is definitely not my timeline. It is my theory that his brain heard what he wanted to hear, not what was actually said. My kindness and friendship has been tweaked into the possibility of reconciliation in his mind.
He texted me this morning: "PNP, I am sorry for my emotional text yesterday just having a hard time right now. I shouldn't give you my issues and I am sorry. I'm working on that part of me. Have a good day."
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 6, 2019
I didn't respond until about 4:00 o'clock today:
"Thank you for the apology. I didn't respond yesterday b/c quite frankly that text hijacked me at work & I was too emotional to work effectively the rest of the day - and that made me beyond angry. I did not want to respond in that state of mind. It definitely crossed my boundaries and I am glad you can now recognize that. This is what friendship looks like for me right now - I thought I was doing pretty good, considering. Perhaps our idea of friendship differs?
Regardless, I don't think you should be basing your happiness in your life on me. If you have an opportunity to better yourself, your career, whatever... then you need to do what is right for YOU. I will always wish the best for you, no matter where you are!
His response: "Thanks PNP, at least I know were I stand with you (heart emoji) I will be there I guess financially only. (sad emoji)."
Later: "I can't believe that you can let go off 40 years of friendship but I guess it's up to you (sad emoji):
Me: "I didn't think I was."
Him: PNP, you are talking like your sponsor wants and not how you really feel?"
Later, Him: PNP, just tell me if we went hiking in 5 yrs and unasked you to be my friend? Would that be something you would consider?"
I have decided to disengage. After reading my replies and then reading all his texts, I am realizing that I am engaging in the Krazy again! I am not sure why he has gone off the rails, but I don't care. I just wanted to be on friendly terms, and he is twisting my healthy responses into something ugly...not what I was trying to convey!
IF you all have anything to add, I would be grateful, as your level heads keep me on the right track!
Thank you! &
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 6, 2019
I just reread my text back to my Ex and while most of it was good, I just realized that I was JADE'ing!!! I should not have to Justify, Defend or Explain (I really don't think I was argumentative).
I really need to drop this rope!!
I am pretty sure it will be viewed as being mean, but I really don't think so... he is not engaging me in a healthy manner.
KT2015 said
Sep 6, 2019
Hi PnP
I can so relate to that trigger of not being supportive enough for him or living up to wedding vows. Wow I so get that. That can be a trigger for me too. I try to remind myself that doing what is best for me isn't letting someone else down. I don't have to live a miserable life so that someone else can be happy. I love that you don't want to let this change your positive nature. I am going to remember that. I also liked your responses. HUGS
Bo said
Sep 6, 2019
One piece of the puzzle...you took the high road so to speak. You told him. You were clear. You were definitive. No problem there.
The problem is...he was either incapable of hearing it...or he intentionally didn't hear it. Doesn't matter. His problem. Not yours.
Don't allow him to make his old problem your new one!
More to follow.
bud said
Sep 6, 2019
((PnP))) Great working your program ... inspiring!
It can really be tricky to navigate these things because "distractions" often are used as tools to manipulate.
I love how you've identified the source of the trigger to help clear confusion.
Bo said
Sep 7, 2019
Part II...LOL.
I don't view this as a vent session. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling. While you take the high road...someone else didn't so to speak. HE had expectations, fair or unfair, doesn't matter. He thought things, read things, felt things, fair or unfair. YOU did what wrong? NOTHING. You handled yourself with dignity, grace, empathy, compassion, and class!
So, what most people in alanon don't do...is they don't look at themselves...long, hard, openly, honestly, and with objectivity. So, if you can do that...YOU can see YOUR ROLE in this.
Sometimes it is not healthy -- for many reasons -- to maintain a "friendship" with an ex...especially an ex who is unhealthy, in recovery, active, whatever. You don't mind returning texts, etc. -- but it might not be about not minding. It might be about what's best and healthy for you...and there's another person in the mix here as well. Just because you gave up on being angry and resentful -- doesn't mean you have to be "friendly" -- and in this case "friendly" ended up playing a part in hurting your peace and serenity. Perhaps.
All that took place in his mind, in his world, etc. -- did so WITHOUT YOU. You never replied, contributed, participated, etc. -- but it still happened. So what was your role? Direct? Indirect? Intentional? Unintentional? Very often there are UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES...and we can have a part in that, we can play a role in that.
OK...so don't let him and his stuff ruin your day. You can work on that. That's YOU. All the rest, is HIM...except for you looking at your role. Obviously, he was not capable of this. The "Just want you to know I love you and I've never stopped loving you." sad emoji." thing is about him. Just look at your role.
Apparently, being nice and "friendly" was some sort of signal to him...no, not that you wanted him to wait around for you, but it was a signal. Why would he even think this? That's on him. Don't try and figure that out. YOU can't apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation! Before the divorce was final, you told him in no uncertain terms that you could never...whatever. That's enough. Whether it "worked" or not, is not about you. It's about HIM. You do not have to defend yourself to him or to you. You don't have to rationalize, defend, justify, rationalize, or anything of the like.
Just for today...you don't have to know what to say or do. Sit. Wait. Do nothing. Just for today.
What works? THE TRUTH. Say what you mean...mean what you say...and don't say it mean...it doesn't matter what he judges, says, thinks, etc. What matters is what you think and feel, and where you stand...and you can stand in the truth!
YOU should NOT have to say "I cannot be what you want. Nor do I have to be. I think you should be making decisions based on what is best for you... I have no bearing in that scenario. But I always wish for you the best." -- do not JADE. Don't.
Speak to your sponsor. Get some objectivity. Be healthy and be strong!
Iamhere said
Sep 7, 2019
(((PnP))) - It's easy for me to forget that my recovery helps me respond vs. react....and that's not the same for others! If you've stood in your truth and responded accordingly, be proud and consider just letting go. Love, love, love the idea of dropping the rope or not picking it up. I need that reminder when dealing with others often.
Keep doing you, your recovery and follow your heart. I have to remind myself often that treating others with dignity and respect is part of healthy recovery. In the past, I would match anger, contempt, etc. word for word and attitude for attitude. I have choices today that I didn't consider before, and I am grateful. Today is a new day - find your joy and make it the best day possible. You got this!!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 7, 2019
Girlfriend you ROCK!!! Keep on doing you .. I am in a place of I'm responsible for what I say im not responsible for what the other person heard!!! You did fantastic and way more nicer .. say what you mean .. mean what you say. You did that .. it's done deal. : ) I have to admit I barked when I read his response of "is this what your sponsor is telling you to say" .. ummm .. do you not have your item thoughts and feelings??? You are right he's choosing to hear what he wants to hear. Big big hugs S :)
2HP said
Sep 7, 2019
Dear friend in recovery, it helps me greatly to remember what a long-time member once told me: victims do not recover.
My ESH is that when I take responsibility for my part in the events that happen, I make recovery progress. (it is surely okay if we pass up these opportunities. however, my experience is the lessons are likely to come back around again. the universe is very wise on our behalf.)
Most defnintely, I agree that you are not responsible for his interpretations (if your communications have been clear and not wishy washy)
But give him the same... do not make him responsible for your feelings and interpretations. This thread makes it look like this man is some kind of villain when all I see happening is a simple miscommunication between two who had once loved one another. it is okay to end it but what works for me is remembering the Good we once had together, that is the best way of moving on.
If you still need or needed something from him, perhaps you were playing both sides and sent out mixed messages, could that be possible?
own your part in this, whatever that is and your perception of this entire experience will change into something "valuable". The "overcoming" that something in us... that is what recovery is about. in the end to find some gratitude for the experience because we learned so much.
Your former husband is a work in progress too. God bless you BOTH as you navigate a journey seeking the Higher Power, it's the effort to do better that really counts.
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 7th of September 2019 11:37:50 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 7th of September 2019 11:39:12 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 7, 2019
Thank you Jerry, El, Aloha, T2T, Maresie, 2HP, Bo, bud, KT, Serenity,and Iamhere for your support!!! Talking me down off "the ledge" with positive wisdom! I love you all!!
After I posted, I muted his texts with the intention of not engaging.
I DID meet with my sponsor last night. She basically said what Bo said... that my Ex has been living with certain expectations... none of which I was intentionally nurturing. She said that it sounds like he isn't liking his situation right now (for whatever reason) and has slipped back into old patterns of behavior... one of which was blaming me for things that aren't "right" in his life while using emotional manipulation! Again, like many of you have already posted, she reminded me that I was clear with my choice of words, but I can't help what he hears or chooses not to hear. One thing she did pat me on the back for: I recognized that I was going round and round with him and those texts... I was engaging the Krazy, even though I try not to! She also said, "Great job looking at what you texted back to him and recognizing that you still want to Justify, defend, explain. Work on why that comes to the forefront when pressured."
Well, I know why. Deep down, I feel that I am not enough. My feelings, thoughts, the way I do things are never good enough. That inner sense that I need to be perfect in what I do. I am still working on they"whys," but it is a deep-rooted part of me, All the positive affirmations, tools, etc, don't seem to touch that part of me deep, deep inside... yet. Yes, on the surface it looks good, but it's still there deep. Yet, I keep trying to be healthier. At least with this introspection, I have identified, or put together the pieces of my puzzle that help me to understand that JADE'ing will be my default if I am not careful. But it doesn't have to be, with work. I am willing to do the work to allow this to fade/die off.
Today I feel much more at peace. The words of my friends/supporters here have helped me to see where I need to pay attention (allowing his crap to derail my day & falling into JADE'ing) and where I can pat myself on the back (dropping the rope, meeting with my sponsor, saying what I mean and not saying it mean).
I have been told that the triple digits and humidity will be leaving us soon (I loathe humidity), and for that I am truly grateful! Going to do something good for my soul today!
&
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 7, 2019
I had just typed a response to 2HP latest post... I then reread it and saw that I was Justifying, defending, explaining! Again! LOL! I really need to work on that!
Thank you for reminding me that my Ex is also a work in progress!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Saturday 7th of September 2019 11:51:37 AM
Iamhere said
Sep 8, 2019
PnP - I can so relate to your share --- about not enough and perfection....my sponsor (and good old Joel O.) had to tell me hundreds (maybe thousands) of times that I am enough! Today, I do believe that we are designed to be perfectly imperfect and it's enough (more than enough) to just be human. If we were intended to be more, we would be led to more.
I love the gentle aspect of Al-Anon....the suggestions vs. advice and the love towards me before I could love myself unconditionally led me to keep practicing AND to believe that we are all about progress and not perfection. So, my friend, I salute you! As I read through your post from start to now, I see tons of practice, progress, awareness, action, acceptance - all good! You are worthy and you are enough and in time, you'll embrace, believe and accept that. For me, it came in phases! (((Hugs)))
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 8, 2019
THank you Iamhere!
I am trying to believe that in time, I will come to understand this truth you speak of!
Maresie888 said
Sep 8, 2019
We all get triggered. Last week I was triggered by some problems at one job
I went to my other job.and I.was climbing the walls
I pay attention to those triggers
I have a bucket theory now. I work on how full is the bucket
You know those of us in ap.anon have no limits we are always engaged in this place of making the world all right for others
That skill certainly helped me as a child
I lived in a volatile house
I think there is a difference between being friendly and civil
All addicts have this ex lo lactation that people owe them. Their sense of entitlement is really large
In addition I.bekueve firmly that they all have abandonment issues. So any sense people might move on is somewhat life threatening to them
Self preservation for me is #me first# not #me last# or rather #me never in the picture at all#
I was badly triggered by the way my employer responded to me recently. Before Inwas mired I'm victimization. Now i.can regroup
You can regroup too. Set distance
Then the phone off at work (I know how hard that is)
Give yourself space to recuperate.
Above all put down the stick.alcoholics and addicts are infuriating and difficult to.deal with. We are not Saints
Accepting when I.am triggered is so so key. So is knowing when I have reached my limit
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 8, 2019
Maresie - I can relate to the feeling of "making the world all right for others." It really was my modus operandi, and it continues to this day if I am not careful.
I feel I cannot turn my phone off during work b/c of my kid and my father's health issues...but, I can certainly MUTE my Ex during work hours! Thank you for reminding me I have that power! LOL!
JerryF said
Sep 8, 2019
The quality of my being triggered comes from how impatient I am at the time. If I am patient I can slow it down and wait it out for a while I can respond or not at a later time. If I am impatient there is no way I will not be triggered into reacting immediately with a stick of dynamite and some assault weapon of power. Dear God take my anger and fear from me. You can have all of it without reluctance now. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Sep 8, 2019
PosiesandPuppies wrote:
Well, I know why. Deep down, I feel that I am not enough. My feelings, thoughts, the way I do things are never good enough. That inner sense that I need to be perfect in what I do. I am still working on they"whys," but it is a deep-rooted part of me, All the positive affirmations, tools, etc, don't seem to touch that part of me deep, deep inside... yet. Yes, on the surface it looks good, but it's still there deep. Yet, I keep trying to be healthier.
The interesting part of the above is that it is ALL about YOU...and you get that. That's amazing! Forget about why he had expectations, he probably doesn't like his situation, and so on and so on and so on. YOU know this is about YOU. Great for you!!!
You are on your way, moving in the right direction, doing the right things...and when you get there, and are completely healthy, balanced, focused, grounded, etc., you won't be as fragile in scenarios such as this. You don't feel like you aren't enough and you won't need people saying it to you all the time either. You are being gentle on yourself, and that's great. But, hold yourself accountable, and ask your sponsor to do that as well. You are making some great changes and progress. Many people here, and in the rooms, will turn gentle, easy, and many other things into passiveness and do nothing...and many of those people haven't made any changes. So be it. That's up to them. For them. But it doesn't have to be for me, or you, or anyone else. YOU do what YOU feel is best...and I think you are doing an amazing job!!!
You handled a not so easy situation -- that needed to be handled. Great for you!!!
Bo said
Sep 8, 2019
The more and more I read your posts PaP...the more and more touched, moved, and inspired I am. You are doing it so well -- focusing on you, not getting caught up in him and why he did this, why he thinks that, etc., and even more important, you are looking at your role and WHAT YOU NEED TO DO to get better, healthy, and overall just be a better and happier person! Wow! That's the kind of program I always strived to work, and the kind of progress I always aimed for. I absolutely love seeing and hearing people who "get it" and people who are "doing it"...and those people are "living it" and "living"...Amazing, just amazing...
Thank you so very much for sharing this.
Iamhere said
Sep 8, 2019
(((PnP))) - Recovery works for those who are Honest, Open and Willing - the HOW of it all. I suspect that when you settle emotionally, you will look back at this situation and come to see/realize how much progress you have made....
My sponsor has suggested to me that I consider the differences of BR (Before Recovery) to Present:
From the time of 'shattered serenity' to seeking help - better/needs improvement
From the seeking help to settled mind - better/needs improvement
From the trigger to the response - better/needs improvement
Was my response healthy or reactive - better/needs improvement
And many more, but you get the jest!
Questions/reviews like this help me to see areas I want to improve upon....right back to the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Over and over and over again.
For each/every 'event', I go through a post analysis with my sponsor and every time, I see progress which tells me I am headed in the right way! So, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are getting there....I still get triggered and I still make mistakes. That doesn't mean I am failing at life, recovery or anything else - it means I am human. In my recovery, the better my spiritual condition, the healthier I handle 'life' on life's terms.
I fully relate to the desire to show your child how to respect another even with baggage and pain involved. A part of me believes my journey would be easier if I were to remove others from my life....yet I have doubts as it feels selfish vs. healthy, so do not, just for today. I've been doing 'this' for many 24 hours and believe it's what the God of my understanding wants. I do what's been suggested each 24 hours, continue to grow, learn, heal and deal and feel more close to my HP as I age. The more I focus on my spiritual program/journey, the more my journey feels planned by HP and the less I worry and stress about what others do, think, feel, etc.
Just keep doing what you're doing and trust the program/process. (((Hugs))) You, and all of us @ MIP are Miracles in Progress!!
Aloha said
Sep 9, 2019
It's been fun reading through the process here, PnP. I'm so grateful you shared what was going on for you. Just like in meetings, when we share about our struggles, we also get to hear how others work through similar problems for themselves. We get support and sometimes hard truths.
Your openness and willingness to grow and learn are inspiring.
I just love watching HP work in people's lives.
Have a wonderful day.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 9, 2019
Ah, Bo, Iamhere and Aloha - thank you for the kind words...just what this broken kid needs... "Am I doing this right?" LOL! The witnessing of my progress feels good!
I am intrigued by the BR/Present idea... just from that short post, Iamhere, I can see that I am indeed making progress on how I heal and deal! I do need to work on the inner dialogue I have when I do get triggered. So this is helpful to me!
I hope everyone has a great week!
&
El said
Sep 9, 2019
PnP, you have received phenomenal ESH on your topic! We all learn from each other's situations and I have learned a lot since your original post. I think you have terrific awareness and are working a very strong program for yourself. Good for you! I am happy to be on this journey with you and all of MIP.
Ellen
Iamhere said
Sep 9, 2019
PnP - I figured that BR/Present idea/tool would pique your interest. In your shares, I see a ton of me - very analytical, research oriented, problem solver, etc. I am a visual person - I see results better in black/white than hearing them and this really helps me see where I have improved and where there's more room for growth.
As with most things, my initial approach to recovery was to 'perfect' it and have perpetual serenity/joy/peace....that fairy-tale ended with the first 'life event' that I handled much as in the past - reacting, instructing, blaming, shaming - me and others. My sponsor was very gracious in sharing over and over again that we will never be perfect and shouldn't expect to be. We also can't expect that in anyone else either or we will be perpetually disappointed. Today, my daily lists are far different than tasks and to-dos of the past - they include gratitude lists, asset lists followed by a few to-dos.
Keep the faith, keep doing you and work this program how best it works for you! Even on my worst days in recovery, I am able to lay my head down at night and find areas of success - vastly different than before! We are all children of our creator and I do believe that creator wants all of us to be happy, joyous and free! (((Hugs)))
mamalioness said
Sep 9, 2019
hey Girl!!! I see him doing the gaslight thing..trying to manipulate AND he did not wreck your day, just caused you to remember a few things....and I loved the part where he thinks its kinda up to you as to what HE does with his life??? Geeeez they never quit do they??? I am glad you see this where it is going...manipulation, pushing your buttons and he knows them well b/c he planted many of them MORE manipulation....I liked your "want to" response about it sounds like a great opportunity, etc., and basically encouraging him to "go for it" Keep working on YOU..take care of YOU!!! yea, hes going to trigger a few things, and don't beat you up for it because you were married a long time to him and there is a lot of "energy" between you two that you are working through....I am so proud of you not being resentful and bitter anymore with him...it just is not worth your serenity...wow!! when you said that I was like "YEH, this girl's got her program going in good direction" Proud of you!!!! and your HP wants you to be abundant, happy, full and just doing A-OK in life...You have a good program, strong progress!!! what HE does is not your problem anymore...I would just say what you wanted to say about it sounds like a good opportunity and wish him well....AS you get more healed, the damage that you refer to and the inability to trust that you refer to will heal...yea, you might be slower to trust, want to take more time in trusting, but eventually, you can and will be able to get close to PROVEN safe people...right now?? I would just focus on program, lean on your al-anon mates, keep working the steps, slogans and when you look in the mirror , remind yourself that you are BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL Just as you are!!!!!!! HUGS
So I guess this is going to be a vent-session. This is in regards to my Ex-husband's text that I received at work today.
Pertinent back-story: We are on friendly terms. He texts me a lot. As long as he is working his program (as far as I can tell), I don't mind returning texts, sharing funny jokes/stories etc. Everyone except his family thinks I am weird for doing this, but at some point I just gave up on being angry and resentful. Because at the end of the day, it only hurt my peace and serenity.
So getting a text today from him didn't seem unusual (although he KNOWS that I can't engage my phone while I am working in the lab. This was the texts:
Him: "When you get a chance to text i need to touch basis with you OK (smiley emoji)"
Me on my lunch break: Whatcha need? I am at lunch right now.
Him: "I have an opportunity to work in Texas and or Virginia. I'm considering it but I guess I won't you to tell me no because id be so far away (sad emoji). I thought about it and I get to see Kid maybe 1 or 2 times every 3 months and you a lot less. I 'm not trying to push this off on you but I kind of feel like there's nothing here for me (sad emoji)."
A few minutes later: "I'm sorry. Never mind I'll deal with this myself."
Then a few minutes later: sad emoji
Well, that really threw me for a loop! I mean, what does he expect? We are DIVORCED. I did not respond, but this one text made me feel so bad about myself that I ended up crying at work! I hate that!! After work I was going to text back how he had crossed a boundary and that he ruined my entire day... he should've never dropped that bomb on me - especially while I was at work! But I was going out with a friend, so I stayed radio silent. Remember, Kid is 19, so their relationship is based on what Kid wants in his life. This came later:
Him:"I'm sorry you don't still feel like I do for you. sad emoji. Hoping that we still have future is killing me! So I'm sorry if I seem rude and in sensitive but I can't take hoping anymore! If we have a chance to at least be friends tell me so I can make my life decisions. heart emoji."
Then later: "Just want you to know I love you and I've never stopped loving you." sad emoji.
WTH??? Is my being nice some sort of signal to him that I want him to wait around for me? Why would he even think this? The divorce was final last year! Before the divorce was final, I told him in no uncertain terms that I could never be the person he wants me to be... I can not live with the uncertainty of addiction, and I am too damaged from distrust issues & gaslighting to be a good partner for anyone.
For now, I am radio silent b/c I just don't know what to say that won't come off as mean. Perhaps you all could give me some insight on this off the wall behavior and or at least a way to respond to this.
I feel like texting him back: "I thought we were being friendly. I cannot be what you want. Nor do I have to be. I think you should be making decisions based on what is best for you... I have no bearing in that scenario. But I always wish for you the best."
Thanks for hanging with the long post... I just feel all emotionally jumbled right now.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Friday 6th of September 2019 12:19:46 AM
Something to the effect of:
"Sounds like a great opportunity. I am sure you will do what is best for you."
P&P it seems he is still connected while you are in detached mode. My first addict wife still feels the freedom and propriety to trespass my boundaries whenever she feels justified and then I am kinda forced to listen to her mental ranting without invitation. I pull the boundary back up nicely and bring my end to an end. Its been since 1968 for me and not for her at times. Its a God thing for me and that is how I handle it. Maybe we had or have more value than what we suspect.? (((hugs)))
PnP....wow! I do no have any experience that directly correlates to this, but I can see how it would throw you for a loop. It did feel to me that boundaries were definitely being crossed and when you didnt respond (which I though was great) he kept amping it up!
Responding to his needs is not your concern....its time to do whatever you do to take care of YOU....to get centered again. I repeat, his need is not your responsibility or concern, right? Take however long you need to be radio-silent, or whatever boundary works best for you.
I see you have been working such a strong program and your ESH and support are soooo valuable here! The answers will come to you. I am so sorry.....its another lesson come to call, I believe.
Hugs to you, PnP!
Ellen
I relate to your and Jerry's share. Years ago, my exAH and I had so much difficulty "separating" post divorce. Detaching came in layers for many reasons. I had much boundary work to do. When he remarried, it forced a new situation where we went our own ways to lead our own lives.
That has been my experience and I trust and support any next steps and path that is right for you.
Great working your program to pause before responding! More will be revealed.
Sending positive thoughts.
Here's a couple thoughts I know my sponsor would ask me to chew on:
#1 - I am not responsible for other people's happiness. That is an inside job for every person. I am not powerful enough to make someone feel or act or think any certain way.
#2 - I am a loving child of God who is doing the best she can at any given moment every single day. I am enough.
Your ex is just looking outside of himself for happiness. He's convinced himself of some fantasy that his life will be complete and better with you in it on HIS terms, despite that you've clearly stated your boundaries. I'm pretty sure that right now his life is feeling unmanageable, and that's where that fantasizing comes in. "Things aren't feeling right HERE, so I'll look THERE for solutions." But the thing is, he's looking to other people, places and things to fill what is actually a God-shaped hole in his life.
So, remember that you aren't his HP.
I still think you can respond to his messages with compassion and still maintain your boundaries. I think what you asked towards the end of your post may be worth verbalizing to him. But eventually "no" might have to be the final answer. "I'm happy to hear about the opportunity you've received and I encourage you to take it. I wish the best for you, but know that I am not available for what you want." or something along those lines.
I know when you pause and pray, God will give you the right words and the right timing.
And remember, too - just as you're not responsible for his feelings, neither is he responsible for yours. He doesn't have that kind of power over you, either. You're not a victim, just a bit flattened by some feelings that decided to rear up in an unpleasant way. But you're responsible for how you decide to work with your feelings, too. I think ultimately you're doing the right thing. ;) Just don't hand over the power of whether you're having a good or a bad day over to your ex. The quality of your day is entirely up to you.
I no longer spend time trying to determine why another thinks the way they do, acts the way they do, feels the way they do, etc. Simply because when I 'go there', I end up in pain, fear, etc. I am a huge fan of Pause, Pray, then Proceed simply because I need regular reminders from the God of my understanding that I am powerless.
It does sound as if he still loves you. It does sound as if he would reconcile with you if possible. As an outsider, looking in, there is no need/reason to throw blame/shame/other your way or his. This text exchange to me suggests he's throwing it out there to check the temperature. How it affected you and how you felt/responded/reacted is exactly why we have all these tools. When I am troubled, discontent, etc. I go to the tools simply because that's where I find my answers. I am reminded every day that I can do my very best to be a serene woman in recovery, practicing unconditional love and acceptance yet others are unique in their journey.....Spending an entire year on Seek to Understand instead of to be understood gave me a whole new set of awareness, acceptance and action.
Recovery has taught me that each phrase/value/quality presented - honesty, love, tolerance, friends, ex's, etc. is defined uniquely to the person. I could drone on and on with this but suffice it to say, he is not the first person nor will he be the last who's possibly picking up vibes from your efforts to be friendly. You have the recovery in you to align with your higher power, and do the next right thing. Recovery gave me permission to start difficult conversations with my truth - such as I was caught off guard by your text or I was uncomfortable with your text or ..................................... I am not perfect, my words/feeling/actions are not perfect and today, I can own that as I practice and grow in recovery and authenticity. I am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers but I know in my heart that you will find your right back to your center and serenity.
2 things .. think about this from the stand point of someone on the board wrote this or your best friend communicated this to you and what would your response be to the situation and I believe you will find the answer of how you want to respond to this if at all.
What you wrote though is very thought provoking and powerful to boot. It rotates back to the bottom line of YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EX (or anyone else for that matter). HIS STUFF let him do him. You really do have the opportunity for some tremendous healing and that's actually pretty exciting. After the lightening bolt that hit me right or wrong .. it really gave me some clarity to how much crazy I was dealing with at the moment .. and you know what .. that's NOT MY ISSUE.
Your X has his own support group and he should have a sponsor .. and you know what .. it wouldn't be inappropriate to redirect him there with a very simple .. this sounds like something that would be a good subject for your sponsor .. not me. Leave it at that.
This came up in my timeline and may or may not apply to your situation .. however I feel like it applies:
We think that our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other's pain. Maybe that's why we all feel like failures so often - because we all have the wrong job description of love. People who are hurting don't need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. People who sit quietly and hold space for us. People to stand in the helpless vigil to our pain.
-- Glennon Doyle
Your scenario sounds familiar to me and I am still married to my AH. For me the boundaries I have set are accepted and supported by my AH 99% of the time. Then every once in a while he will push one. Not sure where it comes from and it can throw me for a loop too. When I find something is upsetting me like that I try the best I can to wait and address it when I am feeling calmer. I think you had some good responses and your recovery program is very strong. Hope today is a better day.
Remember the problem is not somewhere OUTSIDE which this is a wonderful thing because we can't control anything outside. the "enemy" is within...
What would it look like if you didn't cling to the thought that "he should not have said this to me"... that "thought" is the real enemy. without that thought, you might have been much more lighthearted.. you might have giggled... you might have simply responded, "what are you doing, silly? we can only be friends after all we've been through...." something like that.
Do treat your former husband the way YOU would want to be treated, with kindness. Perhaps the miscommunication is because you two never had a direct conversation about it and I don't know about you but...... I am not a mind reader.
Take what you like and leave the rest... But do consider this incident was meant for GOOD, especially if you believe nothing in God's world happens by mistake.... Run quickly to the Direct Source of peace and joy and love and harmony... from your quiet meditation, you will reflect all of that to your former husband ( true service work, doing God's will.)
Now that I have had time to look at my thought process (and read replies), I am guessing that I reacted so strongly b/c he pushed the one button that bothers me the most: that I was not/am not supportive enough of him. That I did not live up to my wedding vows. That I did not do "this"well enough.
I know, I know, my head understands that I made the moves I made b/c I had to do what was best for me and my kid. But the guilt seems harder to erase.
I continue to be on friendly terms with Ex because 1)it is good for kid to see that and 2)I really, really need the financial support and finally, 3)b/c I did not want to allow bitterness to transform my otherwise happy nature!
I have believed all along that I have treated my Ex the way I would want to be treated. I have tried to extend kindness even when in early recovery he was pushing my buttons (kind of like now... hmmmm.). We DID have the conversation that I was not a good partner for him when the divorce papers were signed... hence the divorce. I told him in no uncertain terms that I had real issues with Trust. I have told him over and over that I am doing the best I can with this "friendship" thing, and his timeline is definitely not my timeline. It is my theory that his brain heard what he wanted to hear, not what was actually said. My kindness and friendship has been tweaked into the possibility of reconciliation in his mind.
He texted me this morning: "PNP, I am sorry for my emotional text yesterday just having a hard time right now. I shouldn't give you my issues and I am sorry. I'm working on that part of me. Have a good day."
"Thank you for the apology. I didn't respond yesterday b/c quite frankly that text hijacked me at work & I was too emotional to work effectively the rest of the day - and that made me beyond angry. I did not want to respond in that state of mind. It definitely crossed my boundaries and I am glad you can now recognize that. This is what friendship looks like for me right now - I thought I was doing pretty good, considering. Perhaps our idea of friendship differs?
Regardless, I don't think you should be basing your happiness in your life on me. If you have an opportunity to better yourself, your career, whatever... then you need to do what is right for YOU. I will always wish the best for you, no matter where you are!
His response: "Thanks PNP, at least I know were I stand with you (heart emoji) I will be there I guess financially only. (sad emoji)."
Later: "I can't believe that you can let go off 40 years of friendship but I guess it's up to you (sad emoji):
Me: "I didn't think I was."
Him: PNP, you are talking like your sponsor wants and not how you really feel?"
Later, Him: PNP, just tell me if we went hiking in 5 yrs and unasked you to be my friend? Would that be something you would consider?"
I have decided to disengage. After reading my replies and then reading all his texts, I am realizing that I am engaging in the Krazy again! I am not sure why he has gone off the rails, but I don't care. I just wanted to be on friendly terms, and he is twisting my healthy responses into something ugly...not what I was trying to convey!
IF you all have anything to add, I would be grateful, as your level heads keep me on the right track!
Thank you!
I really need to drop this rope!!
I am pretty sure it will be viewed as being mean, but I really don't think so... he is not engaging me in a healthy manner.
I can so relate to that trigger of not being supportive enough for him or living up to wedding vows. Wow I so get that. That can be a trigger for me too. I try to remind myself that doing what is best for me isn't letting someone else down. I don't have to live a miserable life so that someone else can be happy. I love that you don't want to let this change your positive nature. I am going to remember that. I also liked your responses. HUGS
The problem is...he was either incapable of hearing it...or he intentionally didn't hear it. Doesn't matter. His problem. Not yours.
Don't allow him to make his old problem your new one!
More to follow.
It can really be tricky to navigate these things because "distractions" often are used as tools to manipulate.
I love how you've identified the source of the trigger to help clear confusion.
I don't view this as a vent session. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling. While you take the high road...someone else didn't so to speak. HE had expectations, fair or unfair, doesn't matter. He thought things, read things, felt things, fair or unfair. YOU did what wrong? NOTHING. You handled yourself with dignity, grace, empathy, compassion, and class!
So, what most people in alanon don't do...is they don't look at themselves...long, hard, openly, honestly, and with objectivity. So, if you can do that...YOU can see YOUR ROLE in this.
Sometimes it is not healthy -- for many reasons -- to maintain a "friendship" with an ex...especially an ex who is unhealthy, in recovery, active, whatever. You don't mind returning texts, etc. -- but it might not be about not minding. It might be about what's best and healthy for you...and there's another person in the mix here as well. Just because you gave up on being angry and resentful -- doesn't mean you have to be "friendly" -- and in this case "friendly" ended up playing a part in hurting your peace and serenity. Perhaps.
All that took place in his mind, in his world, etc. -- did so WITHOUT YOU. You never replied, contributed, participated, etc. -- but it still happened. So what was your role? Direct? Indirect? Intentional? Unintentional? Very often there are UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES...and we can have a part in that, we can play a role in that.
OK...so don't let him and his stuff ruin your day. You can work on that. That's YOU. All the rest, is HIM...except for you looking at your role. Obviously, he was not capable of this. The "Just want you to know I love you and I've never stopped loving you." sad emoji." thing is about him. Just look at your role.
Apparently, being nice and "friendly" was some sort of signal to him...no, not that you wanted him to wait around for you, but it was a signal. Why would he even think this? That's on him. Don't try and figure that out. YOU can't apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation! Before the divorce was final, you told him in no uncertain terms that you could never...whatever. That's enough. Whether it "worked" or not, is not about you. It's about HIM. You do not have to defend yourself to him or to you. You don't have to rationalize, defend, justify, rationalize, or anything of the like.
Just for today...you don't have to know what to say or do. Sit. Wait. Do nothing. Just for today.
What works? THE TRUTH. Say what you mean...mean what you say...and don't say it mean...it doesn't matter what he judges, says, thinks, etc. What matters is what you think and feel, and where you stand...and you can stand in the truth!
YOU should NOT have to say "I cannot be what you want. Nor do I have to be. I think you should be making decisions based on what is best for you... I have no bearing in that scenario. But I always wish for you the best." -- do not JADE. Don't.
Speak to your sponsor. Get some objectivity. Be healthy and be strong!
Keep doing you, your recovery and follow your heart. I have to remind myself often that treating others with dignity and respect is part of healthy recovery. In the past, I would match anger, contempt, etc. word for word and attitude for attitude. I have choices today that I didn't consider before, and I am grateful. Today is a new day - find your joy and make it the best day possible. You got this!!
Dear friend in recovery, it helps me greatly to remember what a long-time member once told me: victims do not recover.
My ESH is that when I take responsibility for my part in the events that happen, I make recovery progress. (it is surely okay if we pass up these opportunities. however, my experience is the lessons are likely to come back around again. the universe is very wise on our behalf.)
Most defnintely, I agree that you are not responsible for his interpretations (if your communications have been clear and not wishy washy)
But give him the same... do not make him responsible for your feelings and interpretations. This thread makes it look like this man is some kind of villain when all I see happening is a simple miscommunication between two who had once loved one another. it is okay to end it but what works for me is remembering the Good we once had together, that is the best way of moving on.
If you still need or needed something from him, perhaps you were playing both sides and sent out mixed messages, could that be possible?
own your part in this, whatever that is and your perception of this entire experience will change into something "valuable". The "overcoming" that something in us... that is what recovery is about. in the end to find some gratitude for the experience because we learned so much.
Your former husband is a work in progress too. God bless you BOTH as you navigate a journey seeking the Higher Power, it's the effort to do better that really counts.
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 7th of September 2019 11:37:50 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 7th of September 2019 11:39:12 AM
Thank you Jerry, El, Aloha, T2T, Maresie, 2HP, Bo, bud, KT, Serenity,and Iamhere for your support!!! Talking me down off "the ledge" with positive wisdom! I love you all!!
& 
After I posted, I muted his texts with the intention of not engaging.
I DID meet with my sponsor last night. She basically said what Bo said... that my Ex has been living with certain expectations... none of which I was intentionally nurturing. She said that it sounds like he isn't liking his situation right now (for whatever reason) and has slipped back into old patterns of behavior... one of which was blaming me for things that aren't "right" in his life while using emotional manipulation! Again, like many of you have already posted, she reminded me that I was clear with my choice of words, but I can't help what he hears or chooses not to hear.
One thing she did pat me on the back for: I recognized that I was going round and round with him and those texts... I was engaging the Krazy, even though I try not to! She also said, "Great job looking at what you texted back to him and recognizing that you still want to Justify, defend, explain. Work on why that comes to the forefront when pressured."
Well, I know why. Deep down, I feel that I am not enough. My feelings, thoughts, the way I do things are never good enough. That inner sense that I need to be perfect in what I do. I am still working on they"whys," but it is a deep-rooted part of me, All the positive affirmations, tools, etc, don't seem to touch that part of me deep, deep inside... yet. Yes, on the surface it looks good, but it's still there deep. Yet, I keep trying to be healthier.
At least with this introspection, I have identified, or put together the pieces of my puzzle that help me to understand that JADE'ing will be my default if I am not careful. But it doesn't have to be, with work. I am willing to do the work to allow this to fade/die off.
Today I feel much more at peace. The words of my friends/supporters here have helped me to see where I need to pay attention (allowing his crap to derail my day & falling into JADE'ing) and where I can pat myself on the back (dropping the rope, meeting with my sponsor, saying what I mean and not saying it mean).
I have been told that the triple digits and humidity will be leaving us soon (I loathe humidity), and for that I am truly grateful! Going to do something good for my soul today!
I had just typed a response to 2HP latest post... I then reread it and saw that I was Justifying, defending, explaining! Again! LOL! I really need to work on that!
Thank you for reminding me that my Ex is also a work in progress!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Saturday 7th of September 2019 11:51:37 AM
I love the gentle aspect of Al-Anon....the suggestions vs. advice and the love towards me before I could love myself unconditionally led me to keep practicing AND to believe that we are all about progress and not perfection. So, my friend, I salute you! As I read through your post from start to now, I see tons of practice, progress, awareness, action, acceptance - all good! You are worthy and you are enough and in time, you'll embrace, believe and accept that. For me, it came in phases! (((Hugs)))
I am trying to believe that in time, I will come to understand this truth you speak of!
I feel I cannot turn my phone off during work b/c of my kid and my father's health issues...but, I can certainly MUTE my Ex during work hours! Thank you for reminding me I have that power! LOL!
The quality of my being triggered comes from how impatient I am at the time. If I am patient I can slow it down and wait it out for a while I can respond or not at a later time. If I am impatient there is no way I will not be triggered into reacting immediately with a stick of dynamite and some assault weapon of power. Dear God take my anger and fear from me. You can have all of it without reluctance now. ((((hugs))))
The interesting part of the above is that it is ALL about YOU...and you get that. That's amazing! Forget about why he had expectations, he probably doesn't like his situation, and so on and so on and so on. YOU know this is about YOU. Great for you!!!
You are on your way, moving in the right direction, doing the right things...and when you get there, and are completely healthy, balanced, focused, grounded, etc., you won't be as fragile in scenarios such as this. You don't feel like you aren't enough and you won't need people saying it to you all the time either. You are being gentle on yourself, and that's great. But, hold yourself accountable, and ask your sponsor to do that as well. You are making some great changes and progress. Many people here, and in the rooms, will turn gentle, easy, and many other things into passiveness and do nothing...and many of those people haven't made any changes. So be it. That's up to them. For them. But it doesn't have to be for me, or you, or anyone else. YOU do what YOU feel is best...and I think you are doing an amazing job!!!
You handled a not so easy situation -- that needed to be handled. Great for you!!!
Thank you so very much for sharing this.
My sponsor has suggested to me that I consider the differences of BR (Before Recovery) to Present:
From the time of 'shattered serenity' to seeking help - better/needs improvement
From the seeking help to settled mind - better/needs improvement
From the trigger to the response - better/needs improvement
Was my response healthy or reactive - better/needs improvement
And many more, but you get the jest!
Questions/reviews like this help me to see areas I want to improve upon....right back to the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Over and over and over again.
For each/every 'event', I go through a post analysis with my sponsor and every time, I see progress which tells me I am headed in the right way! So, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are getting there....I still get triggered and I still make mistakes. That doesn't mean I am failing at life, recovery or anything else - it means I am human. In my recovery, the better my spiritual condition, the healthier I handle 'life' on life's terms.
I fully relate to the desire to show your child how to respect another even with baggage and pain involved. A part of me believes my journey would be easier if I were to remove others from my life....yet I have doubts as it feels selfish vs. healthy, so do not, just for today. I've been doing 'this' for many 24 hours and believe it's what the God of my understanding wants. I do what's been suggested each 24 hours, continue to grow, learn, heal and deal and feel more close to my HP as I age. The more I focus on my spiritual program/journey, the more my journey feels planned by HP and the less I worry and stress about what others do, think, feel, etc.
Just keep doing what you're doing and trust the program/process. (((Hugs))) You, and all of us @ MIP are Miracles in Progress!!
Your openness and willingness to grow and learn are inspiring.
I just love watching HP work in people's lives.
Have a wonderful day.
I am intrigued by the BR/Present idea... just from that short post, Iamhere, I can see that I am indeed making progress on how I heal and deal! I do need to work on the inner dialogue I have when I do get triggered. So this is helpful to me!
I hope everyone has a great week!
PnP, you have received phenomenal ESH on your topic! We all learn from each other's situations and I have learned a lot since your original post. I think you have terrific awareness and are working a very strong program for yourself. Good for you! I am happy to be on this journey with you and all of MIP.
Ellen
As with most things, my initial approach to recovery was to 'perfect' it and have perpetual serenity/joy/peace....that fairy-tale ended with the first 'life event' that I handled much as in the past - reacting, instructing, blaming, shaming - me and others. My sponsor was very gracious in sharing over and over again that we will never be perfect and shouldn't expect to be. We also can't expect that in anyone else either or we will be perpetually disappointed. Today, my daily lists are far different than tasks and to-dos of the past - they include gratitude lists, asset lists followed by a few to-dos.
Keep the faith, keep doing you and work this program how best it works for you! Even on my worst days in recovery, I am able to lay my head down at night and find areas of success - vastly different than before! We are all children of our creator and I do believe that creator wants all of us to be happy, joyous and free! (((Hugs)))