Had a meeting with my boss yesterday. I'm getting the message that my current position is ending. Nothing happening in the next 60 days but it is definitely going away. I've known this would likely happen as it was originally a temporary assignment that continued long past its expiration date. But, I feel terrible that it seems to be ending on a negative as I've dropped some balls lately. My boss had asked if there are other departments that I'm interested in and that he would put in a good word for me there. I'm grateful for it. I love the organization I work at and would like to spend my entire career there. But, I'm not sure that is meant to be. I feel like on one hand I'm liked and other departments have appreciated some of what I've brought to the table. On the other I feel like all my character defects are on display and everyone knows that I would be the worst choice. I feel like with the end of this position it is going to be the end of my time there and I feel sad on top of sad.
For years work has been my place where I could excel. Where I could shine, branch out and prove my worth. Now I feel like some days the best I can do is show up dressed and talk like a normal human being. As I've watched my ExAW and our marriage do a slow unraveling I might feel bad coming to work but I kept the balls in the air. Unraveling is a good word for it too. Looking back it almost feels like I was just watching our tapestry being pulled apart and I was doing what I could to stop it but the string has just kept on sliding through my fingers until finally the marriage was gone. That was supposed to be where the unraveling stopped and I would start putting my life back together. But, that's not exactly how its playing out. I'm often an emotional wreck. Its getting better but not quickly enough I'm afraid. I don't think the job is helping as I'm greatly under supported for what I was hired to do and I often find myself feeling isolated because of it. But, I'm also terrified to change and that is why I haven't tried to move out of the position earlier even though I have felt it myself that it was time to get into something else. There were consequences for staying or for going but I mostly knew what they were for staying and with my life situation stability was gold.
I'm just so damn scared. I'm a forty year old man, father of three kids and enjoy being a professional but have gotten off track. How did this happen? Why is this so hard? I've been through other stuff and come into work that was challenging and never had the issues I'm having now. I have never in my entire career brought my personal problems to the workplace. Now its like I'm dragging them behind me in through the front door everyday. I realize it. I can see its a problem and am trying to do something about it but it seems like it isn't happening fast enough. I feel like if I can't rectify this, at least in regards to being effective at work, that my career at this place I love is at risk. That means my kids are at risk and I'm going to end up in a worse position with custody and such. It may mean that I might not be able to meet whatever spousal support obligations I end up with. I'll lose our insurance.
When I change that is going to mean new shifts, new schedule. I'm bankers hours now and it has been a logistical nightmare. How am I going to make this work when I have a little one starting kinder in the fall with two older still in school and I'm going to be working some crazy schedule? Or, what about when I'm the new guy in the department and there's a kid emergency, or all these appointments I have to get them to? I just can't begin to wrap my head around it. I know I'm future tripping here. But, these are also questions I need to have some understanding of because if I'm lucky enough to get into one of these other departments then I will have to succeed in that department whatever the schedule is. Just thinking about it in the most general way and I feel like the floor is coming out from under me.
I'm also just sad. My ex's suicide attempt was unsuccessful, the kids don't know, she seems to be recovering. Sounds like it came out as good as it possibly could have. Yet, I think I feel almost worse than if she had been successful. I feel a heavy heavy grief far beyond what I've experienced when a loved one has passed away. When someone passes there is support, sympathy and understanding. There's leeway to get yourself together. The situation I'm in is much messier and chaotic with much less understanding from others. I now have lost my wife anyway but gained an opponent. Someone I have to both have compassion for but keep my guard up around them. I have to get my children to visit them but also be cautious and ever vigilant.
This whole situation just sucks. I'll keep trying (that's what I do). I will continue working this program, trying to get to meetings and making progress if not perfection. I'm trying to have faith. To continue to seek the guidance and help of my Higher Power.
Iamhere said
Mar 17, 2018
(((Westman))) - I am so sorry that your job is going away. When I worked professionally, I got a ton of self-esteem and self-worth from my job. I can see now (looking back) that was good and bad - with the program, I just look at it as another chapter in my life.
I do know for me that with each change in my life, especially those I feared and dreaded, it did always work out and often better than I ever could have considered. There is something in me with this disease that when I do project, I tend to project bad outcomes or worse outcomes. How blessed it would be if my mind instead projected a better job, a better ...... - yet that's not where it goes first.
All I know is that no matter what's going on in my mind and my heart, when I just keep leaning into this program and my HP's will vs. my own, I am always OK or better off. I have been known to do step work on the situation - I am powerless over (work lay-off, position elimination, etc.) and my mind is unmanageable...just as an example. I work it through to get to a point where I realize I would not actively be employed if I were not an asset and I am worthy of a job that supports me, family, etc.
Hang in there and know that I am sending positive thoughts and prayers. What I do hear from you is that you've got banker's hours, which means on this Saturday morning, you are not working. My sponsor always reminds me to bring it back to the here and now and do what I can to enjoy this day/this moment. (((Hugs)))
mellie4 said
Mar 17, 2018
Oh, how I relate to this. "...Show up dressed and talk like a normal human being..." I look around my workplace and feel like that's all I can do as well while it seems everyone else is operating at a different/higher level. I just joined this group, but guessing maybe we are prone to being really tough on ourselves, feeling inadequate, and abnormal?
If you can't stop future tripping, turn it into the positive version and imagine your life being peaceful and joy-filled. Your brain is defaulting to the negative and fear (understandably), so "rewire" it to quickly go to the positive and hope...even if you don't believe it at first.
I am a 41 year old woman who has become the only source of income for my family. My dream would have been stay at home mom and it pains me daily that I have to work 55-60 hours a week. I resent my estranged AH for it. I have a six-figure income but feel constantly in fear of losing this job because I feel so inadequate and overwhelmed. I always feel like it's just a matter of time before I'm "found out" and let go. I'm simultaneously grateful and resentful of this job. Remember that we don't get our worth from our job just as we don't get our worth from the alcoholic. There are probably more people than we know out there feeling inadequate.
It is exhausting having to be both compassionate and on guard with the "opponent" as you say we have tried so hard to help and be ally to. I know for me I'm still having a very hard time not falling for the lies that I'm the cause of his problems or that I'm some manipulative mastermind...would be easier if I was...then I would probably be emotionless and unable to feel the pain. In the end I feel undeserving of good things. But, I can read your story and feel compassion for you and easily know you deserve good things. Maybe try to see yourself as an outsider looking in...you are competent even if you don't feel that way...maybe you don't have to "shine" at work anymore in order to be worthy. You are a hero to your children. Maybe your HP wants you to find worth within Him or in your basic value as a human being and father.
Stan1 said
Mar 17, 2018
Good morning Westman and IAH and thank you for your EHS. Change is something we all go through and I find it difficult to move my routine. It even follows my driving pattern too. I am fine driving daily routes to the store, doctor or a friend's but having to go to an unfamiliar place...I'm a nervous wreck prior. Thankfully we have GPS and once I actually get on the road and turn the music on I'm fine. We all have periods of change, sometimes saddness, sometimes loss.and leaning into the program at these times really seems to help me. "There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do when I'm hurting." (In All Our Affairs) Sometimes a meeting will help our trust that HP will open a new door when it's time to move forward.
Stan1 said
Mar 17, 2018
(((Mellie))) Thank you for your EHS. ..A Ray of Sunshine is always a great start to the day. Have a good weekend all.
hotrod said
Mar 17, 2018
(((WestMan)) i am so sorry that you are experiencing this terrible self doubt and would like to assure you that you are very human and it is OK to make mistakes. Being a former H.R manager I want to assure you that if the job did not value your contributions your current boss would not have jeopardized his reputation by suggesting placement in another area under his recommendations.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. remember you are not alone HP and you can handle this
Stan1 said
Mar 17, 2018
(((Mellie))) Thank you for your EHS. ..A Ray of Sunshine is always a great start to the day. Have a good weekend all.
Freetime said
Mar 17, 2018
Westman, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I have been there, my job eliminated due to re-organization, and I was truly blind-sided because I was very good at the job and everyone liked me. I was so naive I didn't see the signs in advance. My kids were still in school and I was worried.
That experience changed me at a cellular level. I trusted no one for a long time. In my case, HP works in mysterious ways, and another job was found for me at the same company, in the nick of time. But I realized that this could happen to anyone at any time, and it motivated me to go back to school -- online degree program while I worked -- where I got skills that have benefited me to this day.
Serenity Prayer and One Day At A Time attitude are really helpful at times like this. It's true, people who haven't been through this (the job loss, the sick/addicted spouse) can't really understand, but there are people out there who have been through it. Support groups -- I went to one for "outplaced" people -- were helpful for me. Whatever our troubles, there are those who have had them too.
Hang in there, I am rooting for you.
Iamhere said
Mar 17, 2018
Welcome to MIP Mellie - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Keep coming back!!
Jerry F said
Mar 17, 2018
The MIP Al-Anon Family Group is awesome!! When I keep my head, heart and emotions out of the negatives and bring them here to sit and read and listen without interfering I do great and understand the exact meaning of "Miracles In Progress". Westman I am grateful you remembered to bring your concerns here to the family and even more grateful still to be able to remember the program guided journey of my own recovery. While the thought of admitting I was powerless over alcohol did not seem as rational to getting better and the description of unmanageable also supportive to my peace of mind and serenity and understanding of hope, I did with help keep on working the steps, traditions and slogans of our program.
I thought my case the most severe and surely the greatest example of and to failure. I would not make it if I had trusted my innate thoughts and feelings alone. I would have been an easy mark for the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of this disease while I kept been faced by the questions in the program asked by those who came before me. "Could you be wrong"? I would not dare answer that question with a no and the honest "yes" answer put me in the habit of finding out where I was wrong and could be also.
I was wrong because I was blinded by the negative personality of a person very affected by the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction ...I was under the influence of the mind and mood altering chemical and needed sanity and sobriety just as much as my wife.
I made up my mind and committed my actions and welfare over to our program and the examples of the elders who were available to me 24/7. I had no will or excuse for falling into the consequences of our disease and came to the decision as told me in step three.
It has become a habit and habits are the easiest decisions I make, on a daily basis. Abandoning my self to God as I understand God...is a habit. Working with others is a habit...I am never alone and don't feel I should be or merit it.
Stay in programing and create new thought force...FEAR....False Evidence Appearing Real, ....Keep coming back this works better than what you may or may not be trying to use yourself. New tools from a new tool box...(lol)
Hugs....
SerenityRUS said
Mar 17, 2018
Hey Westman,
Try to stay in the present when it comes to the unknown .. it's so totally hard and I get that. As a single parent who's co-parent is absent, I encourage you to build your tribe .. you know as a single guy you will have a far easier time I think finding people to help out, especially the soccer mom's who will be willing to lend a hand. :)
I moved to a whole new state when my kids were older however they were fairly young when my X started down the path of separation .. ours was not pretty and there were mental hospitals involved and so on. So biggest thing I wish I had taken better care of myself earlier on. I promise the time is going to fly by and there are going to be things that I say God throws that curve ball. Go with it, I just got done having a conversation with my oldest about there are 26 letters in the alphabet it doesn't mean you can't achieve your goals .. it only means you may have to side step and go to a different dance step to get to the actual goal and that goal may evolve. It's ok. My plan and God's plan for me are two totally different things. A lot of God's plan for me involves reshaping who I am.
As far as the job as you know from recent posts I'm struggling as well .. you again are lucky .. you are a guy .. try being a woman trying to rebuild after the age of 40 ageism and sexism are very real. You have some really good work years ahead of you. You can start something new and do something different without a lot of risk. If I could talk to my 40 year old self .. I would drive home some points of .. keep an open mind .. you don't know what God's plan is and let go .. just let go of everything that you can't control. Be responsible .. however let go of the little stuff .. it's not worth it. BTW .. I'm headed to 50 I have one kid in college and another in middle school. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier because that's a BS line .. what it gets is different .. sometimes there are different challenges. At the end of it all I think it's worth it, no my life didn't go as I planned it .. however I am settled in a positive way as to where it is . it's not to say I don't get frustrated and think WTF why me from time to time .. then I have a moment .. maybe it's 5 min of a deep conversation with one of my kids during the day and it puts everything into perspective of .. you know as hard as it seems .. it's ok. BTW .. I remained single until a couple years after my divorce so it was about 7 years and I'm glad I waited because I am much more calmer in my relationship and I have a better idea of who I am.
All of this stuff that seems so crazy and so out of my control which makes me crazy is ok. So I just encourage you to stay the path .. lean into your program and learn to ask for help. I think for me that was a big sign of (perceived) weakness that I actually needed help from others to be a complete parent .. it was the same attitude I had with living with active alcoholism my life was not unmanageable (insert ha ha ha eye roll) .. I had to suck it up and we have been through some challenging times. We always had a roof over our heads and food to eat however we had a couple of times we were considered displaced .. that's some hard lessons not just for me however for the kids too. So I guess my bottom line is you have got this because you have the faith of working a good Alanon program and being able to make solid choices and not be at the mercy of someone else financially.
The unknown is scary however not as scary as being shut down. It really is going to be ok, it just might not feel that way right this second. It might also feel one more thing .. it's just life .. you know I believe if things are bad .. this too shall pass .. if things are good .. LOL .. don't worry this too shall pass. Then when it does .. it's better or my attitude has been adjusted to realize it's better than I thought it could be. Hang in there .. it will be ok.
Hugs S :)
DavidG said
Mar 17, 2018
Hiya Westman...
reading your letter was a light shining... where i am sitting today I could do cafe=time with someone and have this kind of talk and banter... both ways...
it is really hard juggling work ad home- But ah guess the majority of people have to do it all the time...
...I have a work issue which I need to address on a day to day basis... but it is not the end of the world. Quitting is an option...
...for me the big word is "adult". "Adult" as a verb... ...
ah gets to do it much more often... and it slowly builds... your letter above lets me into this world, and underlines my role as a group member... ...
much of my life ah were a field worker... but that is neither here not there... was once in a railway gang- fell short of wearing stripes... but got pretty close.
My life experience is as good as anyone else's, I have come to believe... ... I might be a bit more street-wise than some.
But at its base- I was bought up with old rural values- which work just about everywhere.
Just chilling out and having a chat- gets me in the present. It gives me a rest from other pressing matters. It give my body a chance to chill out.
And helps to still my mind... and this works here, on MIP Alanon, as much as anywhere else... ...
we always say in Alanon- ~take what you like and leave the rest~ I have seen you around the board a fair bit- and you are a part of the family. Not yet a part of the furniture... ...
...nice sunny fall day here in NZ... Sunday afternoon... take care my friend... ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXeRB-3nDR8
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 18, 2018
Westman - your share above touched me. I am sorry life is so hard at the moment, and you are dealing with work uncertainties. I have been there. Actually, still there, but beginning to see my own life, my own place in the world. It will not be easy as Serenity said, ageism and sexism is real and alive! But I found that in this one area of my life, if I concentrate on the fact that I am THE safe & sane parent to my kid, THAT thought keeps me going when I get caught up in the 'woe is me' mentality. I don't think it's really Ego here...I think that as humans who are strong and are working so hard at making our families' lives better, we all feel we deserve a certain level of respect from the cosmos. When it is in short supply (as it sometimes is), we get down on ourselves, our position in life, whatever. We wonder "Why? Why is this hitting us all at once." It's normal. I believe that is when the veterans say, "This too shall pass." LOL.
I am sending you support. But also a reminder that your HP has a plan for you and your family. Trust in that. Trust that you can handle whatever will be thrown your way in both work and your home life. At those times when you doubt yourself, think of your kids... then you will find the strength/skills/hope to tackle what you need to. You can definitely do this!
WestMan said
Mar 18, 2018
Thank you all. Great suggestions all around. It is strange how after a year of the program I know many of these things at least as a concept but still often struggle to put it into practice. Even as I wrote that original post my more logical self is telling me "it's going to be fine". And, I can see that my situation, relative to many others, is actually not so bad. I'm still working now, I could have just been completely blindsided and let go of and told there were no available positions for me. I think much of the problem is just fear. As things grew more unstable I became more reluctant to make a career move and add to the instability. But, I will lean into the program more. I am working on Step2 and I think this is a good opportunity really get familiar with it.
hotrod said
Mar 18, 2018
Hi WestMan thanks for the update. I am confident that you and HP have this. Just keep listening to the still small voice within and trust the process.
Iamhere said
Mar 18, 2018
Westman - positive thoughts and prayers continue....keep doing you with HP - more will be revealed!
WestMan said
Mar 19, 2018
Went to second mediation appointment today. The outcome was more or less OK. Unfortunately there was some real vileness that came out of my ex when it wasn't going to her liking. I did ok with it I guess. I felt better after it was all over. I had stood up for our children's safety but also tried to be open to them having more time with her. I'm just not comfortable with any of it but the kids seem like they really need to spend time with her. I feel I have the impossible task of weighing their safety against the need to have time with their mother and then trying to explain my somewhat conflicting concerns to the court.
I was also informed that there is a part-time opening in the department I'm interested in applying to. Updating up my resume now. Don't know what part-time will be like for me financially but it would really make it easier as far as schedules go.
hotrod said
Mar 19, 2018
((WestMan)) It sounds as if you used your many program tools in order to show up and process the interaction with your ex. You are a terrific parent and I urge you to use detachment , acceptance and the serenity prayer during these challenging times. Good to hear that there is a job opening in you current company . Updating your resume and exploring the possibility of part time is great Sending positive thoughts your way.
Stan1 said
Mar 19, 2018
(((Westman ))) Great news that you will still be with the Company that you like and part time that will make it easier working the kiddies routines into your day. Sure you will have to make a few financial adjustments but when you figure out what you would have to pay for childcare it might be in your favor. Sometimes we have a lot of gadgets we can do without to save a bit. See you managed to show up with the help of your tools and and met your stb ex with strength and courage. Prayers that your HP will continue to open doors on your path.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 19, 2018
Westman - it sounds like you were able to survive that meeting using your program tools. Good for you! I completely understand the uncomfortable place of trying to protect your kids from the very person they want to see... your open-mindedness is commendable.
Sounds like the you may have a "God Shot" on the job front... it's with the same company & in the department you are interested in! There will need to be adjustments income-wise, but I found that when my kid was a toddler, it cost way more to hire a nanny and work full-time, than it was for me to be a "stay-at-home" mom w/a part-time job. So maybe this can work for you! Stay positive!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 20, 2018
I hate court .. it's this weird devoid place that people make money off of other people's misery. I hope you don't spend to much time there it's soul sucking at times. That's awesome about your job! Things do have a way of working out my sponsor always said you do the foot work and God will do the rest. So keep on keeping on .. you don't know what other doors will open for you down the road. Hugs s ;)
Iamhere said
Mar 20, 2018
(((Westman))) - glad that you're on the other side of court - and you did well. Sounds like the work situation and all is moving forward. I'm sending you continued thoughts and prayers for peace - just for today! Keep doing you - it's working well!
WestMan said
Mar 21, 2018
Had an interesting meeting with a new colleague who I filled in on the coming change. Didn't go into detail but this person seems to be extremely insightful. I even wonder if they have been in a 12 step program because of the language they used. I definitely felt a familiar spirit to the veterans I've spoken with in meetings. Anyway, just interesting. The couple times I've spoken with this person I have been reminded of lessons and slogans and the Al-Anon approach.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 21, 2018
I find the messenger always comes into my life regardless of the package AND always at the right time. It sounds like you have met someone who gets it and that's a good feeling and always a growth opportunity.
I know where and who I don't want to be .. it's all about who I want to be today.
Hugs S :)
WestMan said
Mar 26, 2018
Had an interview with the department director this morning for what looks to be a great position. Should hear by the end of the week. I am also looking at a couple other areas that I'm interested in. I'm practicing having faith in my HP and I do seem to have a sense of peace about the pain points in my life right now. What I'm learning though is that I need to do things to maintain it. Calling my sponsor, getting to a meeting every week, doing my daily readings, remembering those three or four slogans that seem to be key for me , Etc.
Aline said
Mar 26, 2018
Good luck :) I also came to see that when I temporarily feel better I just have to keep doing things I did to get me there or I fall back fast. That's still an ongoing lesson for me because for some reason my thinking tells me if I get something completely right once, than it will be "done" for all times and I won't have to get back to it again... Doesn't work that way, though. It seems this is tied to my control issues and living in my own reality, where I think if I do X, things will go like Y... Thanks for the update, its good to hear things are going well.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 26, 2018
Good luck to you with all of this it really sounds like things are starting to come together that is awesome :)
Iamhere said
Mar 26, 2018
Congrats. on the interview Westman - may it work out as it should!!! It's taken me tons of time to figure out my life goes much better when I do use this program every day, in some way. When I get distracted by life, it seems often my serenity is the first thing to slip. Keep doing what you're doing and sending positive thoughts and prayers for your job search!
bud said
Mar 26, 2018
(((WestMan))) I'm sorry you have this troublesome uncertainty. I can understand and relate to your feelings and have been there before too. It does sound like your HP is creating space for something much better. Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 27, 2018
Sending you positive vibes, WestMan! Sounds like you are sitting in a good headspace regardless of what's happening at work right now!
Jerry F said
Mar 27, 2018
I have been taught and firmly believe in the consequences of committed recovery work. It worked for me when I was there and listening to the guidance of the elders and my sponsorship. Keep on keeping on ((((Hugs))))
hotrod said
Mar 27, 2018
(((Westman)) Congrats on the successful interview
Maresie said
Mar 27, 2018
I.felt very.selfconscious at work most of the time. I believe there is only one of my.colleagies whose character faults make life difficult
One day at a time is a good way to go. You have a lot on your plate I hope you will give yourself a break.
WestMan said
Apr 5, 2018
I got the job. My first pjck. One interview with no experience and having been out of a related field for years. I hate to say it but I am really scared. I know I should be grateful and spinning cart wheels with joy. There is a degree of happiness but it's overshadowed by this deep fear. Feeling this way I also just feel ashamed because so many people put a lot of faith in me. I know I should be grateful because considering what could have happened and what some of you have said you've gone through I got a much easier path.
Why am I so afraid of this? I can point to a couple things. It's definitely a more intense type of work. The safety risk to clients is higher. Then of course all the logistical questions with the new schedule and then adding on-call as well. But I think it's deeper than that. I think this shows something in me that prevents me from seeing my own worth and abilities. I think I've been drawn to a career of caring for others because it was a way to get validated somehow.
I'm communicating with my sponsor. Remembering "easy does it. Reading my C2C and using Serenity prayer. I feel better about it today than yesterday.
-- Edited by WestMan on Thursday 5th of April 2018 12:47:09 PM
MizzB said
Apr 5, 2018
Hey WEstman,
I appreciate your honesty and how hard it must have been to share. Take care of yourself. I can't really articulate what resonated with me so much, but your post did. Thank you
R
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 5, 2018
First of all, congratulations on getting the job!! A job is better than no job!! That being said, thank you for your honest share. I feel like I know exactly what you are feeling, although I am sure the work fields are different. The days coming up to my first internship day at my new career (still working at school for license), I had all these fears. I was REALLY in my head... afraid that I could not handle it. Some wise Al-Anon person told me... "Perhaps this is exactly where your HP thinks you should be right now, regardless of how YOU feel... maybe try having faith in your HP." Mic Drop!! LOL!
I took that person's advice, and after a week interning, I am really doing well! So, give yourself some positive affirmations, and have faith that your HP will make all of this work out! Good luck to you!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 5, 2018
Congrats!!!
I think it is scary to start something new and different because it's outside the comfort zone. Hang tight, PNP brings up some good points and sometimes the God of my understanding has a way of moving me where I need to be vs where I want to be.
Hugs S :)
serenity47 said
Apr 5, 2018
I can relate. I was in the helping profession and had the confidence knocked right out of me dealing with my AD. My thinking became muddled and I would wonder how on earth I thought I could help anyone else when I couldn't even fix my own kid. I felt woefully inadequate at work although I had received nothing but stellar performance reviews from managers over the years. Now that I am recovering myself I am beginning to accept and realize that indeed I have even a lot more to offer now given my personal experience with addiction. Congratulations on the new job! For today you are exactly where you are meant to be.
Jerry F said
Apr 5, 2018
Imagine, picture yourself shoulder to shoulder with your HP and listen to feedback from it. Most likely got the job because that is what your HP wants for and from you. ((((Hugs))))
bud said
Apr 5, 2018
Congratulations!
I can relate to the fear/ anxiety of starting something new, even when it's something positive. One step at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time... I agree with the other posts that these are the times HP is moving us to a better place.
Had a meeting with my boss yesterday. I'm getting the message that my current position is ending. Nothing happening in the next 60 days but it is definitely going away. I've known this would likely happen as it was originally a temporary assignment that continued long past its expiration date. But, I feel terrible that it seems to be ending on a negative as I've dropped some balls lately. My boss had asked if there are other departments that I'm interested in and that he would put in a good word for me there. I'm grateful for it. I love the organization I work at and would like to spend my entire career there. But, I'm not sure that is meant to be. I feel like on one hand I'm liked and other departments have appreciated some of what I've brought to the table. On the other I feel like all my character defects are on display and everyone knows that I would be the worst choice. I feel like with the end of this position it is going to be the end of my time there and I feel sad on top of sad.
For years work has been my place where I could excel. Where I could shine, branch out and prove my worth. Now I feel like some days the best I can do is show up dressed and talk like a normal human being. As I've watched my ExAW and our marriage do a slow unraveling I might feel bad coming to work but I kept the balls in the air. Unraveling is a good word for it too. Looking back it almost feels like I was just watching our tapestry being pulled apart and I was doing what I could to stop it but the string has just kept on sliding through my fingers until finally the marriage was gone. That was supposed to be where the unraveling stopped and I would start putting my life back together. But, that's not exactly how its playing out. I'm often an emotional wreck. Its getting better but not quickly enough I'm afraid. I don't think the job is helping as I'm greatly under supported for what I was hired to do and I often find myself feeling isolated because of it. But, I'm also terrified to change and that is why I haven't tried to move out of the position earlier even though I have felt it myself that it was time to get into something else. There were consequences for staying or for going but I mostly knew what they were for staying and with my life situation stability was gold.
I'm just so damn scared. I'm a forty year old man, father of three kids and enjoy being a professional but have gotten off track. How did this happen? Why is this so hard? I've been through other stuff and come into work that was challenging and never had the issues I'm having now. I have never in my entire career brought my personal problems to the workplace. Now its like I'm dragging them behind me in through the front door everyday. I realize it. I can see its a problem and am trying to do something about it but it seems like it isn't happening fast enough. I feel like if I can't rectify this, at least in regards to being effective at work, that my career at this place I love is at risk. That means my kids are at risk and I'm going to end up in a worse position with custody and such. It may mean that I might not be able to meet whatever spousal support obligations I end up with. I'll lose our insurance.
When I change that is going to mean new shifts, new schedule. I'm bankers hours now and it has been a logistical nightmare. How am I going to make this work when I have a little one starting kinder in the fall with two older still in school and I'm going to be working some crazy schedule? Or, what about when I'm the new guy in the department and there's a kid emergency, or all these appointments I have to get them to? I just can't begin to wrap my head around it. I know I'm future tripping here. But, these are also questions I need to have some understanding of because if I'm lucky enough to get into one of these other departments then I will have to succeed in that department whatever the schedule is. Just thinking about it in the most general way and I feel like the floor is coming out from under me.
I'm also just sad. My ex's suicide attempt was unsuccessful, the kids don't know, she seems to be recovering. Sounds like it came out as good as it possibly could have. Yet, I think I feel almost worse than if she had been successful. I feel a heavy heavy grief far beyond what I've experienced when a loved one has passed away. When someone passes there is support, sympathy and understanding. There's leeway to get yourself together. The situation I'm in is much messier and chaotic with much less understanding from others. I now have lost my wife anyway but gained an opponent. Someone I have to both have compassion for but keep my guard up around them. I have to get my children to visit them but also be cautious and ever vigilant.
This whole situation just sucks. I'll keep trying (that's what I do). I will continue working this program, trying to get to meetings and making progress if not perfection. I'm trying to have faith. To continue to seek the guidance and help of my Higher Power.
I do know for me that with each change in my life, especially those I feared and dreaded, it did always work out and often better than I ever could have considered. There is something in me with this disease that when I do project, I tend to project bad outcomes or worse outcomes. How blessed it would be if my mind instead projected a better job, a better ...... - yet that's not where it goes first.
All I know is that no matter what's going on in my mind and my heart, when I just keep leaning into this program and my HP's will vs. my own, I am always OK or better off. I have been known to do step work on the situation - I am powerless over (work lay-off, position elimination, etc.) and my mind is unmanageable...just as an example. I work it through to get to a point where I realize I would not actively be employed if I were not an asset and I am worthy of a job that supports me, family, etc.
Hang in there and know that I am sending positive thoughts and prayers. What I do hear from you is that you've got banker's hours, which means on this Saturday morning, you are not working. My sponsor always reminds me to bring it back to the here and now and do what I can to enjoy this day/this moment. (((Hugs)))
(((WestMan)) i am so sorry that you are experiencing this terrible self doubt and would like to assure you that you are very human and it is OK to make mistakes.
Being a former H.R manager I want to assure you that if the job did not value your contributions your current boss would not have jeopardized his reputation by suggesting placement in another area under his recommendations.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. remember you are not alone HP and you can handle this
That experience changed me at a cellular level. I trusted no one for a long time. In my case, HP works in mysterious ways, and another job was found for me at the same company, in the nick of time. But I realized that this could happen to anyone at any time, and it motivated me to go back to school -- online degree program while I worked -- where I got skills that have benefited me to this day.
Serenity Prayer and One Day At A Time attitude are really helpful at times like this. It's true, people who haven't been through this (the job loss, the sick/addicted spouse) can't really understand, but there are people out there who have been through it. Support groups -- I went to one for "outplaced" people -- were helpful for me. Whatever our troubles, there are those who have had them too.
Hang in there, I am rooting for you.
The MIP Al-Anon Family Group is awesome!! When I keep my head, heart and emotions out of the negatives and bring them here to sit and read and listen without interfering I do great and understand the exact meaning of "Miracles In Progress". Westman I am grateful you remembered to bring your concerns here to the family and even more grateful still to be able to remember the program guided journey of my own recovery. While the thought of admitting I was powerless over alcohol did not seem as rational to getting better and the description of unmanageable also supportive to my peace of mind and serenity and understanding of hope, I did with help keep on working the steps, traditions and slogans of our program.
I thought my case the most severe and surely the greatest example of and to failure. I would not make it if I had trusted my innate thoughts and feelings alone. I would have been an easy mark for the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of this disease while I kept been faced by the questions in the program asked by those who came before me. "Could you be wrong"? I would not dare answer that question with a no and the honest "yes" answer put me in the habit of finding out where I was wrong and could be also.
I was wrong because I was blinded by the negative personality of a person very affected by the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction ...I was under the influence of the mind and mood altering chemical and needed sanity and sobriety just as much as my wife.
I made up my mind and committed my actions and welfare over to our program and the examples of the elders who were available to me 24/7. I had no will or excuse for falling into the consequences of our disease and came to the decision as told me in step three.
It has become a habit and habits are the easiest decisions I make, on a daily basis. Abandoning my self to God as I understand God...is a habit. Working with others is a habit...I am never alone and don't feel I should be or merit it.
Stay in programing and create new thought force...FEAR....False Evidence Appearing Real, ....Keep coming back this works better than what you may or may not be trying to use yourself. New tools from a new tool box...(lol)
Hugs....
Try to stay in the present when it comes to the unknown .. it's so totally hard and I get that. As a single parent who's co-parent is absent, I encourage you to build your tribe .. you know as a single guy you will have a far easier time I think finding people to help out, especially the soccer mom's who will be willing to lend a hand. :)
I moved to a whole new state when my kids were older however they were fairly young when my X started down the path of separation .. ours was not pretty and there were mental hospitals involved and so on. So biggest thing I wish I had taken better care of myself earlier on. I promise the time is going to fly by and there are going to be things that I say God throws that curve ball. Go with it, I just got done having a conversation with my oldest about there are 26 letters in the alphabet it doesn't mean you can't achieve your goals .. it only means you may have to side step and go to a different dance step to get to the actual goal and that goal may evolve. It's ok. My plan and God's plan for me are two totally different things. A lot of God's plan for me involves reshaping who I am.
As far as the job as you know from recent posts I'm struggling as well .. you again are lucky .. you are a guy .. try being a woman trying to rebuild after the age of 40 ageism and sexism are very real. You have some really good work years ahead of you. You can start something new and do something different without a lot of risk. If I could talk to my 40 year old self .. I would drive home some points of .. keep an open mind .. you don't know what God's plan is and let go .. just let go of everything that you can't control. Be responsible .. however let go of the little stuff .. it's not worth it. BTW .. I'm headed to 50 I have one kid in college and another in middle school. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier because that's a BS line .. what it gets is different .. sometimes there are different challenges. At the end of it all I think it's worth it, no my life didn't go as I planned it .. however I am settled in a positive way as to where it is . it's not to say I don't get frustrated and think WTF why me from time to time .. then I have a moment .. maybe it's 5 min of a deep conversation with one of my kids during the day and it puts everything into perspective of .. you know as hard as it seems .. it's ok. BTW .. I remained single until a couple years after my divorce so it was about 7 years and I'm glad I waited because I am much more calmer in my relationship and I have a better idea of who I am.
All of this stuff that seems so crazy and so out of my control which makes me crazy is ok. So I just encourage you to stay the path .. lean into your program and learn to ask for help. I think for me that was a big sign of (perceived) weakness that I actually needed help from others to be a complete parent .. it was the same attitude I had with living with active alcoholism my life was not unmanageable (insert ha ha ha eye roll) .. I had to suck it up and we have been through some challenging times. We always had a roof over our heads and food to eat however we had a couple of times we were considered displaced .. that's some hard lessons not just for me however for the kids too. So I guess my bottom line is you have got this because you have the faith of working a good Alanon program and being able to make solid choices and not be at the mercy of someone else financially.
The unknown is scary however not as scary as being shut down. It really is going to be ok, it just might not feel that way right this second. It might also feel one more thing .. it's just life .. you know I believe if things are bad .. this too shall pass .. if things are good .. LOL .. don't worry this too shall pass. Then when it does .. it's better or my attitude has been adjusted to realize it's better than I thought it could be. Hang in there .. it will be ok.
Hugs S :)
Hiya Westman...
reading your letter was a light shining... where i am sitting today I could do cafe=time with someone and have this kind of talk and banter... both ways...
it is really hard juggling work ad home- But ah guess the majority of people have to do it all the time...
...I have a work issue which I need to address on a day to day basis... but it is not the end of the world. Quitting is an option...
...for me the big word is "adult". "Adult" as a verb...
...
ah gets to do it much more often... and it slowly builds... your letter above lets me into this world, and underlines my role as a group member...
...
much of my life ah were a field worker... but that is neither here not there... was once in a railway gang- fell short of wearing stripes... but got pretty close.
My life experience is as good as anyone else's, I have come to believe...
... I might be a bit more street-wise than some.
But at its base- I was bought up with old rural values- which work just about everywhere.
Just chilling out and having a chat- gets me in the present. It gives me a rest from other pressing matters. It give my body a chance to chill out.
And helps to still my mind... and this works here, on MIP Alanon, as much as anywhere else...
...
we always say in Alanon- ~take what you like and leave the rest~ I have seen you around the board a fair bit- and you are a part of the family. Not yet a part of the furniture...
...
...nice sunny fall day here in NZ... Sunday afternoon... take care my friend...
...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXeRB-3nDR8
I am sending you support. But also a reminder that your HP has a plan for you and your family. Trust in that. Trust that you can handle whatever will be thrown your way in both work and your home life. At those times when you doubt yourself, think of your kids... then you will find the strength/skills/hope to tackle what you need to. You can definitely do this!
I was also informed that there is a part-time opening in the department I'm interested in applying to. Updating up my resume now. Don't know what part-time will be like for me financially but it would really make it easier as far as schedules go.
Sounds like the you may have a "God Shot" on the job front... it's with the same company & in the department you are interested in! There will need to be adjustments income-wise, but I found that when my kid was a toddler, it cost way more to hire a nanny and work full-time, than it was for me to be a "stay-at-home" mom w/a part-time job. So maybe this can work for you! Stay positive!
Had an interesting meeting with a new colleague who I filled in on the coming change. Didn't go into detail but this person seems to be extremely insightful. I even wonder if they have been in a 12 step program because of the language they used. I definitely felt a familiar spirit to the veterans I've spoken with in meetings. Anyway, just interesting. The couple times I've spoken with this person I have been reminded of lessons and slogans and the Al-Anon approach.
I know where and who I don't want to be .. it's all about who I want to be today.
Hugs S :)
Had an interview with the department director this morning for what looks to be a great position. Should hear by the end of the week. I am also looking at a couple other areas that I'm interested in. I'm practicing having faith in my HP and I do seem to have a sense of peace about the pain points in my life right now. What I'm learning though is that I need to do things to maintain it. Calling my sponsor, getting to a meeting every week, doing my daily readings, remembering those three or four slogans that seem to be key for me , Etc.
I have been taught and firmly believe in the consequences of committed recovery work. It worked for me when I was there and listening to the guidance of the elders and my sponsorship. Keep on keeping on ((((Hugs))))
I.felt very.selfconscious at work most of the time. I believe there is only one of my.colleagies whose character faults make life difficult
One day at a time is a good way to go. You have a lot on your plate I hope you will give yourself a break.
I got the job. My first pjck. One interview with no experience and having been out of a related field for years. I hate to say it but I am really scared. I know I should be grateful and spinning cart wheels with joy. There is a degree of happiness but it's overshadowed by this deep fear. Feeling this way I also just feel ashamed because so many people put a lot of faith in me. I know I should be grateful because considering what could have happened and what some of you have said you've gone through I got a much easier path.
Why am I so afraid of this? I can point to a couple things. It's definitely a more intense type of work. The safety risk to clients is higher. Then of course all the logistical questions with the new schedule and then adding on-call as well. But I think it's deeper than that. I think this shows something in me that prevents me from seeing my own worth and abilities. I think I've been drawn to a career of caring for others because it was a way to get validated somehow.
I'm communicating with my sponsor. Remembering "easy does it. Reading my C2C and using Serenity prayer. I feel better about it today than yesterday.
-- Edited by WestMan on Thursday 5th of April 2018 12:47:09 PM
I appreciate your honesty and how hard it must have been to share. Take care of yourself. I can't really articulate what resonated with me so much, but your post did. Thank you
R
First of all, congratulations on getting the job!! A job is better than no job!!
That being said, thank you for your honest share. I feel like I know exactly what you are feeling, although I am sure the work fields are different. The days coming up to my first internship day at my new career (still working at school for license), I had all these fears. I was REALLY in my head... afraid that I could not handle it. Some wise Al-Anon person told me... "Perhaps this is exactly where your HP thinks you should be right now, regardless of how YOU feel... maybe try having faith in your HP." Mic Drop!! LOL!
I took that person's advice, and after a week interning, I am really doing well! So, give yourself some positive affirmations, and have faith that your HP will make all of this work out!
Good luck to you!
I think it is scary to start something new and different because it's outside the comfort zone. Hang tight, PNP brings up some good points and sometimes the God of my understanding has a way of moving me where I need to be vs where I want to be.
Hugs S :)
Imagine, picture yourself shoulder to shoulder with your HP and listen to feedback from it. Most likely got the job because that is what your HP wants for and from you. ((((Hugs))))
I can relate to the fear/ anxiety of starting something new, even when it's something positive. One step at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time... I agree with the other posts that these are the times HP is moving us to a better place.