I don't  know when this became my biggest hot button, but I cannot stand being talked down to (or perceiving it or being spoken to in a dismissive disrespectful tone.

If I actually HAD been with or around a "rageaholic" qualifier, it would make sense to have this be such and issue, but that wasn't my case or history.

I CAN'T STAND being or feeling disrespected. So much that it is MY isssue. It is always in response to men too. Not women.

About a week ago at work someone did this to me at work who is not my boss. I have learned to suck it up in rare times it has happened at work from superiors. Anyhow, I flipped afterwards to a kind amd supportive supervisor.

AND...visiting inlaws and my brother in law literally just did this to me as I was making some innocent joke to 11 year old nephew. He scoldingly told me "Just stop it!" Almost yelling at me and still not sure what I said so wrong. Either way...I am isolated by myself cooling down right now to not snap off in front of my inlaws. I feel bad that I told my husband that if his brother talks to me in that tone again (as this is also not the fist time he's done it) that he is going to get told to watch his BLEEPing tone with me or get punched in the BLEEPing face!

I actually figured out the reason as I was typing...

It is because I'm gay and I grew a really quick protective thing with straight men from bullying in my past. Kind of like "You wanna call me f..ggot? I guess you will get your a** kicked by a f*ggot!" It is a hyper reaction.

So...I know this is a problem. I vented here first to avoid a blow up and cuz honestly, I trust you guys to give me sane feedback above most.  I also know i need to call my sonsor now.  

Sorry this was so graphic with my thinly disguised terminology.

I also am trying really hard to be "liked/loved" by my brother in law and the rest of them and it just is not happening with him. His kids are great but I will limit my interactions with them too as they are his kids amd Im not about to have this happen again. Being around in laws is nerve wracking in general. It has me in a funky awkward feeling spot already.

Just some thoughts......You can't talk to me like that! That was my boundary in July of this year. I got sick of her (the assistant boss) talking down to me, condescending is what I call it. So I up and quit my job, it was just a little part time job after I retired so it wasnt real important to me, but it was unprofessional for me just to quit one day and not tell anyone the reason. I just didnt feel I needed to let her make me feel lesser than and she did. My patience was waring thin but I didnt know how to deal with it. I do believe she was a "trying to recover alcoholic" and had a hard life but that gave her no excuse.

But Pink if you call him names or punch him in the nose, that will just prove to him that you are an idiot for losing your temper and confirm himself if he has any negative thoughts about you. Anyone can cuss and get angry..... but have you ever met those people who could put someone in their place without even raising there voice or cussing! A talent indeed. Maybe that would be better amo, if the occasion ever arises again. Your the bigger person for not losing it in front of the nephew. Maybe this BIL doesnt like you for some reason, but thats his problem. linsc 

It is 4:35 am. Wide awake. This is what happens when I get upset to this degree at night. Torture. Total obsessive ruminating insomnia. I can get that my BIL was trying to protect his son from my joking in a way that he, his father was concerned about. I still say HE overreacted, not me. "Be quiet right now!" is not an acceptable way to talk to me from family.. Period.. And my own husband crapping on me and telling me how wrong I was, being short with me and no giving a flying crap about my feelings made it a billion times worse. There was a time her swore we would never go to bed angry at each other. Guess he doesnt give a crap about that now. YAY.

These thoughts and ruminative processes are what keeps me up all night. He is clueless. Snore snore. I wish so bad I was at home or we were visiting my family. They would trust chuck to interact with my nephews as a decent person...not this crap. And if my mom or siblings disrespected him. I would care anout his feelings and back him up rather than argue about him misinterpreting things and telling him to stop being dramatic. So lame. 

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of December 2016 05:55:18 AM

I too chuckled at a couple of your posts because I TOTALLY understand the anger at the snoring slumber while I fume, seeth, and plot his demise. Sorry, got carried away with the last one. Lol.

I would bet a lot of money that your H wants his family to love you also. He might also have been nervous and not too happy about his brother's comment to you, but didn't want to make the whole uncomfortable mess even worse in the moment.  

Hopefully, today will bring some understadding and communication about it and it will hurt less. I wouldn't have wanted to be talked to that way, either.

You are right EI. Though he was also just clueless on how to be at least supportive, caring, understanding of my feelings and kept repeating the same stuff over and over even when I literally modeled the right response to your emotionally distraught spouse whether you agree with the reasons or not. I even scripted "Gosh honey...I am so sorry this all upset you so so badly. I love you and wouldn't want you to feel disrespected and so offended. I'm here to listen. Whether or not my brother acted like a tool toward you, I'm more concerned with you being and feeling ok. Here to listen (insert hug)." Geez....couldnt do it even with a laid out script. Kept going back into me "turning his words around" oh..and the kicker "I just want him to be miserable now too." You know, cuz I guess I love spreading misery (as a mental health counselor I might add). A+ conflict resolution there. Sigh.

Just got worse. Brother in law cornered me and tried to lecture me about his reasons for being so rude and curt with me...You know cuz I was "bullying" his son and didn't listen to him 2 times when he commanded I stop....and when it comes to his kids he will act like a "son of a bit**" to protect them. Did not go over well. Told him I never would bully his kid and if he chooses to "treat me like a son of a b...." EVER, there are gonna be problems. Walked away and isolating in room again. Nightmre inlaw trip. Can't believe I worked thanksgiving to get an extra day off to come here for this crap.

Sorry this has turned into a miserable situation for you. He is obviously very protective of his son perhaps too protective. Of course there's no going there with him. Profession or not, you'd likely get "What do you know, you don't have kids." I'm wondering if his son felt bullied?  Maybe the kid got the joke huh. Maybe the kid felt embarrassed that his dad jumped in to protect him. It's possible right?

Sounds like you BIL in an awkward way was offering an olive branch. You weren't expecting happily ever after were you? It's a lot of work being the one in recovery isn't it. LOL It can be so friggin lonely at times. Yep, keeping the sponsor phone number close on holidays spent with our families is always a good idea.

I'm triggered like you when shamed in that manner. For myself, all the feelings of being humiliated as a kid resurface in that moment. Suddenly, I feel unsafe, outnumbered and an unacceptable presence in the room. I also remove myself in such situations because these situations set off an internal alarm that it wouldn't be safe to be vulnerable.

I'm sorry you didn't get the supported you needed from your spouse. If he's usually supportive, he may have been experiencing some personal tension of his own with his family unrelated to you and simply didn't have anything to give to you at the time.  It's tough being in someone else's home rather than your own and trying to be a good guest even when it's your own family. He may feel totally exhausted from too much family time. He may have a fresher perspective after resting.

As far as your sensitivity, it's not drama.. not at all.  It's a gift to be emotionally available and able to ask for what we need and want from others. It's likely one of the qualities that attracted your spouse to you - the ability to communicate in a healthy manner. On that note, I'm betting you and BIL will work this out. Mostly, because I'm betting you'll have good communication with him when the dust settles a little more. And what about his son... I wonder if he feels he's been the cause of trouble between his dad and uncle. If so, that would be sad.

Anyway, I'm glad you shared and feel a little better. Those sleepover family things are the worst.  It can be like being held hostage. Bringing a daily reader along has helped.

My slogan for the holidays "We came, we ate, we left."   (((hugs)))  TT

defensiveness is normal.  I sometimes feel the need to explain, but think I think, wait. I know the truth, it doesn't really matter that they think something else.  Just let them think things that are not true.

Sometimes you need to do battle, but not for everything.

Knowing me...this weekend will put me in a funk for a bit. It was important for me to have both our families behind us. I was exceptionally proud of them/that as a gay married couple. Feels like it truly just went to sh*t.

It was really bad. We are flying out today and have already left. Paul/Enigmatic, you are absolutely right and I know I had a role in this. My spouse is certainly listening to me now and agrees with my perceptions as it kept deteriorating and becoming obvious. He is about ready to write off his brother forever. They have issues long standing with each other. I know that I got hit with crossfire and said some things that I am pretty sure my MIL relayed straight to him (BIL) even though when BIL is not around, she does nothing but talk trash about him. I made the mistake of validating/joining in those conversations when I should have shut the hell up cuz it's not my family like I thought and never will be. Also, I'm well aware BIL has many "issues" that have zero to do with me.  Despite that, in the conversation where I tried to make amends with him, he said some awful and unnecessary things that can't be unsaid. We ""made up" sort of but it was one of those deals where I just ate crow and absorbed his crazy reasoning and BS and I'm not feeling the "resolved" thing at all. 

Pink, 

I am so sorry it was such an ugly time for you. The good news is that you and your H have come to a better understanding of it all.

BIL sounds toxic, but we all have crap and I am glad for you that he lives far away.  There is a lesson in there somewhere and can only lead to your growth in the long run. 

Take good care of you in your own comfortable environment.  (((Hugs)))

Just a memory from my early face to face room days and support from my sponsor. The important thing about eating crow is to first take the feathers off of it and cooked well often tastes like chicken.  That is really a thought and attitude tool for this member.  Unconditional love and acceptance helps that very well as I don't collect enemies anymore.  I love the ending of our meetings that counsel me not to gossip or criticize because then I would taking the problem with me and spreading it around which is not my intention or wish any longer.  We did that during the drinking days and when those days passed I knew I am free of them.  This program works and works well and with wonder when we work it and I take that to mean not only with an alcoholic.  Living only in the day I don't run scared of what might come tomorrow.  Take the feathers off.

(((hugs)))

Your post resonates with me as a fellow codependent. How others treat me can make or break my day ...... or week or month or ??

Being gay has nothing to do with your experience of course. But I relate to holding onto old ideas of making myself "different" or unique... the me vs. them mentality... For me or against me....  (separatist ideas that scare and hurt me.)

My thinking is clearly what causes me to suffer. It's not about snoring... or people sleeping through my pain. It's about ME sleeping...  through the pain of being hooked by my own painful thoughts and habits... incapable of seeing my life is "unmanageable" and what I need to do to soothe myself now.  

I felt dismissal and disregard and disrespect this weekend too. And I got a hefty serving of lie after lie after lie until I got emotional indigestion. I managed to end a conversation with grace though (miracle.) Exactly like you, I walked away thinking, thinking, thinking.......

And by evening, what had started out as a burning ember in my hand had been fanned all day by my focus. Be the end of the day, it had become full-blown anger (proving once again that what I focus on gets BIGGER.)

Your post helps me to see that anyone can talk to me in any manner they choose, everyone gets free choice. Even if I were to set a boundary and say, "No you can't..." people will either honor the boundary or pee on them. What do I do if they pee on my boundaries?? How is peace achieved then? Where is God when that happens?  who am I responsible to?

I get to choose how I take everything. I get to decide what is true. I get to decide what I'm giving "importance" to. I get to determine if this is about me or them. I get to decide what meaning to give it.

In this way, Life isn't doing anything to me (making me a victim) rather, Life is doing something for me, changing my character to pull me ever closer to the One who has all power.

God is power.

sometimes we make mistakes. And sometimes we shine. Either way, it doesn't affect how God feels about you or me. And that is what is so beautiful, this amazing unconditional love we could be focusing on instead of allowing ourselves to be hooked by illusion and dis-ease... people treating me in a manner consistent with how I think about myself.....

this is what causes suffering.  And this is what can be changed, that's the power we have.

Your post helps me so much to see that I too stand at the turning point today, to turn my will and life over (my thoughts and actions)  as well as the actions and words and attitudes of others and how I'm interpreting them.  I'm going to bundle myself up for a long walk now. I can choose peace instead, intoxicated by the Divine instead... which is probably God's will for me today, eh?

Thank you (((friend)))

Very well said 2HP. Now the concern is about my husband. This weekend may have tanked his relationship with his brother forever. At least it appears that way now. He also has to come to terms that BIL is locked in a sick codependent relationship with their mother and it wont change. He probably could use alanon too but he wants to start with therapy.

Some of all this mess does relate to their family system being damaged by alcoholism (husband's father recently deceased). Several grandparents...Basically a family of ACOAs.

Regardless, I have never seen my husband this sad before. I am glad I have enough program to realize it's not all about me and actually, it never was.